In such pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
In such pain
6
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 6:42pm
My boyfriend broke up with me last night and since then it has literally felt as if I had a knife in my heart. He was the first man I loved--and I'm 36!! We'd been together nine months. Nope, not all me, but I did screw it up. I became completely emotionally dependent upon him. I'd never been loved and had someone before really...he became everything to me. Stupid, stupid. Eventually, he went from love notes and staring into my eyes to eventually telling me I was emotionally needy and that he felt trapped. I also would have emotional outbursts with him--my friend told me that I was expecting him to complete me emotionally and that he was bound to fail. She's right, but too late. On his end, his work became all-consuming, he became increasingly obsessed by his road biking. He told me that he had nothing to give me--and then went back and forth for two weeks until I thought I'd get an ulcer. Last night he ended it. Said that he loved me but that he didn't want to hurt me further and that he didn't have it in him to be in a relationship anymore. Took his stuff out of my house (practically lived here) and left, saying what an a-hole he was.
I'm so trying to hold it together. But not only do I still love him, I'm fairly alone. No family, few friends, many very sweet people at my job who care about me but no one I see consistently. I'm so sad, scared, lonely. I'm a mental health counselor and nearly cried while listening to my clients today (ironic). Went to yoga class and soaked right through the lavender eye pillow. Yes, seeing a therapist tomorrow but...I feel so lost and well...abandoned. I know I need to work on myself and have NO desire to date again any time soon--already being in love kind of inhibits that one. This is such a challenge--and I'm so tired of hurting and struggling to maintain hope.
Any words of advice? Yes, I know--I'm a therapist--but god knows I can't heal myself.
Thanks...
--Amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 6:58pm

i'm so sorry to hear this...well even the doctor need their own doctor right?

i know its hard..but dont think its end of the world...just remember "LIFE IS TOO SHORT"...everybody went thru this your a therapist so you know what i'm talking about.

things happen for a reason...this time respect his decision..let him think...LET HIM REALIZE WHAT HE LOST...

dont worry things will be better....good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 10:04pm

Hi Amy,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. When I read your post, you reminded me a lot of my situation early on with my now ex again boyfriend. I was completely emotionally dependent upon him and had unjustifiable emotional outbursts. We got back together, I would be better, but still had some of the old emotional stuff that would creep in every now and again. It's not good, and all we can do is learn from it, really. I feel like I learned and improved, but not enough in the end because I was never able to stop the outbursts entirely.

Did you seek therapy when you first realized you had the unhealthy emotional dependence on him? I think it's definitely something that we can unlearn, so there's some hope at the end of the tunnel, but I know it seems very far away for you now.

One thing I observed about your post: you said that he became consumed by his work and mountain-biking -- not having any additional details about your situation, he was probably feeling trapped by your behavior and he was spending time away in order to avoid problems. I'm not sure what triggered your outbursts, but if they were anything like mine, they would make any man want to run in the opposite direction.

That's what I think is going on here. Of course he would want to be in a relationship with you right now if it were do-able for him; he does love you. But, he cannot fulfill all of your needs, and this
scares him.

It's a good idea you're going to talk to someone tomorrow. I'd be curious what type of advice he or she gives you.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:41pm

Whatever your profession, you're a human first of all, so no worries.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 8:33pm

Hi there
I really appreciate your heartfelt reply. Are you a therapist? If not, perhaps you should change your profession :O)
To answer your question, I didn't really think about how unhealthy my dependence on him emotionally was until it all went so bad. I don't get it--I was in some sort of love fog.
I just thought, finally, I actually get a happy ending. I've had more than my share of heartaches and bad knocks and I thought this was over. Very naive.
Saw this new therapist today (referred by the therapist I was seeing for three years--time for a change) and think this might be good. She agreed that I need to find fulfillment within myself, not in just other people. I'm finally at the point where I have no desire to fill my emotions up with a man because...I'm still in love with my now-ex and...I really need to work on my sense of self. Emotional pain SUCKS!! But I'm really going to work on this.
And yeah, I think you were on the mark about my boyfriend. He also has some emotional issues I think. His road biking and racing I think meant more to him than his three children! Who needs potential emotional pain when you can get all you need--safely--from cycling and work. I try to remember the unhealthy parts of our relationship when I feel those terrible pangs for him.
How did you get over your boyfriend?
And again, thank you for your wise and kind words.

--Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 8:41pm
I am in the same boat. We had what I thought was a perfect relationship. No problems at all. I thought he was perfect. No flaws. He thought I was wonderful. I was blissfull. It was heaven. Today, his closet was cleaned out and I had a note, completely out of the blue that he was going back to his wife. How will I ever be able to trust anyone again????? No one, I am sorry, but no one will be as good as him. How could they - he is perfect. (except for leaving me). I really don't want to live, but I am intelligent enough to know that there is a life in the future. It is just getting in that bed tonight where we held each other so tenderly is going to tear me apart.
We must be strong!!! Let them see we are strong and survive without them!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 8:44pm

Thank you very much for your very wise and heartfelt reply. I'm learning I guess. No men for quite a while for me. This will be tough but I think necessary to avoid repeating mistakes over and over and...
Thanks again.

--Amy