suicidal

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
suicidal
14
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:55am
My fiancee and I just ended our engagement on Monday. I'm 39, a former teacher in Las Vegas originally from Chicago. I moved out here in August of 2005 to teach elementary school, only to be worked to death 80 hours a week by a principal who obviously trained under Hitler. I met my boyfriend shortly after arriving at Karaoke, where we like to frequent. He wanted to date about a month later, but having just arrived in Vegas, I wanted to sample the buffet (which is what I should've done). However, having gone through such a tough time at my new job, it was comforting to have someone near who was willing to emotionally help me through things.
Ever since leaving the school system, I haven't been able to get a call-back from any other job I've applied for, even though I have a Masters degree and have filled out more applications and applied for qualifying cards than I can count. Obviously, this has led to a certain amount of my depression, but what really hasn't helped was after Charles asked me to marry him, he was no longer affectionate and was reluctant to have sex. The only thing he wanted to do on the weekend, every weekend, was go to Karaoke, and if I wasn't in the mood to go, he'd want to go. Although I told him it was ok to go without me, I really wanted him to want to just stay home sometimes and cuddle with me and watch a few rented movies. He would stay home if I asked him, but I knew he'd be chomping at the bit.
We had a big argument on Monday when a man who owns a Karoke TV show out here wanted me to audition for his show. Charlie wanted to come along when he found out that I had a spot to audition. When Charlie showed up, the man told Charlie there weren't anymore spots. He looked at me like he'd wasted his time showing up, so I told the man to give Charlie my spot and I walked out. When I got home, Charlie said that he would've been fine to just sit and wait for me to finish, but I told him that this was not the point. I asked him why he had the energy to come out on a Monday when he had to work the next day, but never had the energy to put his arm around me or hug me or kiss me when I needed it?
The argument went from there and he's decided to move out.
I really love Charlie and I hope I'm not making him out to sound like a jerk here because he isn't. When I met him, he was fresh out of a divorce. We both agreed that the time we met probably wasn't the greatest for either of us. I'm still trying to get my career going and he just needed to be on his own for a while after the divorce. However, I'm going back to Chicago and I'm afraid that I'll never see Charlie again. I know he still loves me, but I just don't understand why he can't give me the affection I crave. He won't go to counseling, but then again, what man willing does? We still want to keep in contact, but I feel so lonely I can't stand it. I'm so tired of going through this my whole life. Every time I meet a man who wants to get close, I spend a period of time thwarting the advances. Then, when I reciprocate, they become cold fish. What am I doing wrong? What is it with men? Is it their mothers? I just don't understand anymore and I'm tired of crying and crying and crying everytime they decide they just want to be alone. I'm tired of working so hard to get all the education I possibly can and still get offered no more than $12 an hour! I'm tired of feeling I can't count on a single human being in this world for anything. I feel so cold inside and I don't see anything changing in the future either. My life has been like this for the better part of 6 years. Failed job, failed relationship, failed job, failed relationship. I think I'm doing all the right things, but one uncontrollable situation after another pulls the rug out from under me. I don't know how much more of a beating I can take, and frankly, I don't know if I want to take anymore of it. Whenever I try again and try again and try again, well...I just can't make anything turn to gold. I can't even make it turn to gold paint. Ok , I'm done ranting. Any advise before I jump?

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 3:17am

Please don't jump. I hear your pain, your sadness, your total desire to give it up, but don't do it. I hear your pain. I know it hurts. I know what it feels like to want to end it, and I know that this feeling will pass.

Someone very dear to me committed suicide 28 years ago. Today would have been her 72nd birthday. A few days ago I was the exact age that she was when she ended her life, by jumping. When you said jump, it hit very close to home. Her loss has caused me such much pain my entire life. I often wonder how different my life would have been if she had not taken that leap.

You have a lot to offer the world: intelligence, compassion, love, understanding. You have good love to give, and you WILL find someone who wants your love and will give you good love in return. Don't give up now.

If you're near a phone PLEASE CALL (800) 992-5757 IMMEDIATELY. DON'T WAIT. PLEASE TALK TO someone before you decide to do anything. If that # doesn't work for some reason, try /1-800-784-2433 or (702) 964-1221.

Please email me back if you can when you've done that ....

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 3:34am

If I could reach out to you right now, I would. But all I can do for now is give you some more numbers.

Please call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255. there are understanding people at both of those numbers. They will listen to you and support you.

It sounds like you don't have any support right now. No friends or relatives to turn to? It sounds like everything in your life has gone wrong, all the most important things, love and work. Everything seems hopeless. I hear that. I've been there. Please call those toll free numbers so you can discuss your options. Please hang on. I know it's hard to believe that when you're feeling this way, but things can get better. This pain is not endless.

Also, take a look at How to Survive the Loss of a Love at:
http://mcwilliams.com/books/books/sur/

((((((((big hug))))))))))))




Edited 5/26/2006 4:01 am ET by iamdelightful
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to:
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:15pm

Please don't hurt yourself.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
In reply to:
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:37pm

Please remember TIME WILL HEAL and you will be completely free of the bad emotions over time. You wont see it right away but its true, simply look at the other posters here. The pain, the hurt, the emptiness, the loneliness will go away...

It sounds like you've really had some major hurdles in your life, most that you've already jumped over. Why would you not want to keep jumping until you reach that finish line of happiness. You sound like a beautiful, intelligent person who has accomplished a lot in her life. Now that there's a few more bumps in the road you don't feel the desire or excitement to keep driving and see what's around the next turn?

I hope you don't mind if I share a short story about my mother with you...

My mother & my father married at 18 and didn't have me until they were 23 and shortly after they decided that the marriage wasn't right since they had seperate goals. My father remarried 7 yrs later and my moms life went haywire. She desperatly wanted a "father figure" in the house since I only saw my father every other weekend. She began dating a wonderful man that fulfilled her every desire & more. Once they wed after 3 yrs of dating, his Mr. Hyde dissaeared & Dr Jaykll came out. After 1 day of being married he put his fist through the door when he became angry.... a few days later, those fists went straight to my mother. He abused her in ever way and when she tried to leave, he threatened to kill her. Her boss wound up firing her since she called out of her high paying insurance job due to her inability to walk 5 days out of the month in addition to her bruised face 1/ 2 the month. She called the cops on many occassions after having brusied & broken body parts however he was a fellow officer and he never received any punishment. After a few months, we left and she was trying to pick up the pieces of her life. Along the way she met another man who helped her through those times when she felt like a broken woman. (She also applied for numerous jobs and had to take one that was 1/2 her salary of her previous job. Although she never wanted to get re-married, she still had hope that there was a few "good guys" left in the world. After a few yrs of friendship, they began dating, and eventually bought a house & moved in together. Her new beau was great to everyone except me, he began sexually abusing me & I stayed silent since I didn't really understand what was happening. After a coupld yrs, I figured out what he was doing & told my father. He sat down with my mother and told her what was happening.. she was in pure shock & total denial... afterwards, the man went to jail, I moved in with my father , and my mom became severly depressed (she also lost the house since she couldn't deal with any aspct of her life at that time). A few weeks later that depression turned turned into a sucide attempt but thankfully, my grandmother stopped by the house unexpectedly, saw her, and called the paramedics before the pills took a serious effect.
My mother wound up going to the Carrier clinic and after a few months, tried to rebuild her life. Here we are, 17 yrs later, and I couldn't imagine life without her. I will never fully understand what happened to her or even how she had the strength to work through it all, but SHE DID. I'm extremly grateful to the clinic as well as her innate ability to persivere & overcome all the obstacles she had put in her path. Now, my mother is in her 50's, she finally was accepted for a job that pays very well & she loves it. She's been dating a wonderful man for the past 5 yrs and has a very close relationship with her friends & me. A few weeks ago I asked how she worked through all that's she been through since I was recently devistated after my 2+ yr break up... which made my heart ache sound so pety, and she said that although life doesn't turn out how you hoped or planned or even expected, it's a life well worth living since you never know what will happen next. Although there were life lessons she had no desire to learn, she's glad she did and it enables her to be a better person to those who she truly loves & that love her in her life.

Guest, you have the world at your finger tips even though right now it may not feel like it. Please don't give up and don't lose all the work & life lessons you've aquired thus far. Keep pushing through and know that that your hard times are just that...times. Times that come & go...with the great and not so great.... belive in yourself since I know everyone on this board & people in your life believe in you. Don't stop fighting!

BIG HUGS & SUPPORT FOR YOU through this rough time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
In reply to:
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 9:12pm
Pplease let us know you're ok......
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
In reply to:
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 8:25am
Hello, and welcome to iVillage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
In reply to:
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 1:11am
Thanks. I've had time to chill out. This week was so hard, though. The hardest week of my life. I've never really loved anyone like him before. He's a good man, but he just didn't have the affectionate nature that I need. Also, because things weren't working out for me here, I was losing my self-confidence and taking it out on him. He needs some time to just be on his own for a while, especially since we started living together so soon after his divorce, and I'm going to be a teacher in Chicago and get some counceling so I don't keep snapping for little things.
We're genuinely going to remain friends and have every intention of getting back together once we're over this hump. We don't want to lose at least our friendship, but he said if we kept on the way we were going, we wouldn't be on speaking terms, which is true.
Thanks for your support. I was bed-ridden with grief this week, but I've been able to at least start packing some boxes today. Thank you ,thank you again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
In reply to:
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 1:26am
I'm alright everyone. I have family back in Chicago and I'll be ok. Thank you everyone for your support. It was so hard to get through. I've never been so close to just wanting the wheels to stop. I think I'm just too chicken to go through with it anyway. If it didn't happen fast and painless...well, that's about all I have to say about that. I'm alright though. Thank you all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
In reply to:
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 1:38am

rehina22, I have to honestly say that you're post has sincerly touched me. I hope you don't mind if I print it out and look at it whenever I feel this way again because you're mother is an amazing woman to have endured all she did and she still has a positive outlook on life. I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I was raped when I was 19, and still haven't really dealt with that experience. When I get home to Chicago and get myself settled in a new teaching job, I'm going to finally get some much-needed counceling. My boyfriend and I are still remaining friends, but he knows that he needs some issues that he needs to see a councelor for, too. His father left his mother when he was very small, so abandonment is his issue. Lashing out is mine. We'd like to get back together again in the future once we have our heads on straight a little more, but for now, we're going to remain best friends, which is what we were before anyway.
Thank you once again and please tell your mother for me that her testimony will be a source of strength for me for years to come.

Julie

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 2:00am

Thanks so much for coming back and letting us know you're ok. I was really worried about you! I'm glad you registered too ... but that name! It's so negative it makes me weepy. I wish you would change it to: readyforlove. (On second thought, maybe I'll change mine to readyforlove, because that's what I am.)

I'm glad to hear you plan on getting some counseling. In my personal experience, it always helps to have someone to talk to. Keep those hotline numbers ready in case you're ever feeling like you might want to hurt yourself.

Welcome to our community. If you read some of the posts here, you'll see we're all going through a lot of the same sh*tty stuff ... but we're surviving.




Edited 5/29/2006 2:06 am ET by iamdelightful

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