suicidal

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
suicidal
14
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:55am
My fiancee and I just ended our engagement on Monday. I'm 39, a former teacher in Las Vegas originally from Chicago. I moved out here in August of 2005 to teach elementary school, only to be worked to death 80 hours a week by a principal who obviously trained under Hitler. I met my boyfriend shortly after arriving at Karaoke, where we like to frequent. He wanted to date about a month later, but having just arrived in Vegas, I wanted to sample the buffet (which is what I should've done). However, having gone through such a tough time at my new job, it was comforting to have someone near who was willing to emotionally help me through things.
Ever since leaving the school system, I haven't been able to get a call-back from any other job I've applied for, even though I have a Masters degree and have filled out more applications and applied for qualifying cards than I can count. Obviously, this has led to a certain amount of my depression, but what really hasn't helped was after Charles asked me to marry him, he was no longer affectionate and was reluctant to have sex. The only thing he wanted to do on the weekend, every weekend, was go to Karaoke, and if I wasn't in the mood to go, he'd want to go. Although I told him it was ok to go without me, I really wanted him to want to just stay home sometimes and cuddle with me and watch a few rented movies. He would stay home if I asked him, but I knew he'd be chomping at the bit.
We had a big argument on Monday when a man who owns a Karoke TV show out here wanted me to audition for his show. Charlie wanted to come along when he found out that I had a spot to audition. When Charlie showed up, the man told Charlie there weren't anymore spots. He looked at me like he'd wasted his time showing up, so I told the man to give Charlie my spot and I walked out. When I got home, Charlie said that he would've been fine to just sit and wait for me to finish, but I told him that this was not the point. I asked him why he had the energy to come out on a Monday when he had to work the next day, but never had the energy to put his arm around me or hug me or kiss me when I needed it?
The argument went from there and he's decided to move out.
I really love Charlie and I hope I'm not making him out to sound like a jerk here because he isn't. When I met him, he was fresh out of a divorce. We both agreed that the time we met probably wasn't the greatest for either of us. I'm still trying to get my career going and he just needed to be on his own for a while after the divorce. However, I'm going back to Chicago and I'm afraid that I'll never see Charlie again. I know he still loves me, but I just don't understand why he can't give me the affection I crave. He won't go to counseling, but then again, what man willing does? We still want to keep in contact, but I feel so lonely I can't stand it. I'm so tired of going through this my whole life. Every time I meet a man who wants to get close, I spend a period of time thwarting the advances. Then, when I reciprocate, they become cold fish. What am I doing wrong? What is it with men? Is it their mothers? I just don't understand anymore and I'm tired of crying and crying and crying everytime they decide they just want to be alone. I'm tired of working so hard to get all the education I possibly can and still get offered no more than $12 an hour! I'm tired of feeling I can't count on a single human being in this world for anything. I feel so cold inside and I don't see anything changing in the future either. My life has been like this for the better part of 6 years. Failed job, failed relationship, failed job, failed relationship. I think I'm doing all the right things, but one uncontrollable situation after another pulls the rug out from under me. I don't know how much more of a beating I can take, and frankly, I don't know if I want to take anymore of it. Whenever I try again and try again and try again, well...I just can't make anything turn to gold. I can't even make it turn to gold paint. Ok , I'm done ranting. Any advise before I jump?

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Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to:
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 9:12am
thanks for letting us know you're OK!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
In reply to:
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 8:50pm

Hey Julie,

I'm VERY happy to hear that you've given yourself some time to sort through things & are creating new paths in life to make yourself happy again. Maybe a break from your guy & change of location is what you need to remind yourself how good you really deserve to feel. You strike me as a very brave woman... you left home & moved to an unfimilar place & opened yourself up to various new expierences. I'm sorry that things didn't work out as expected but as long as you're comfortable with the move & remaining friends thats a great start to a possible beautiful new begining. I'm a newbie to the board too since I had a recent break up & I think that these forums are wonderful since it lets us know that we're not alone in this chaotic world. Although we have family & friends, an unbiased opinion and some feedback at 2am usually helps during these rough patches in our lives. I know my mothers story just reinforces that we all have the innate ability to pull through, we just have to want to! Good Luck to you & know that we all deserve to stick around & see what's beyond that next turn.

Desperatly missing her spell checker...
Regina :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
In reply to:
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:00pm
Boy - sounds to me like your problem is that you are sticking yourself in a job and relationship that is destined to bring heartbreak. This guy may be great in many ways, EXCEPT the ones that are most important to you. You are not being unreasonable in wanting affection from a lifetime partner - it's not as if you want him to be 7 ft tall and he can't grow anymore - all you want is some attention and affection, and he can't or is unwilling to give you that. He is not the right guy! He may be nice and handsome and successful, but he is missing a fundamental component that will make you happy. And girl, you know you can't make someone be something he's not. If you are considering moving back to Chicago, you've already figured out that you need to offer your skills to a community that appreciates what you have to offer. Obviously, that's not happening where you are now. You haven't failed at anything! You have just not yet found the guy who fulfils you (and you deserve nothing less) and the job environment that complements you. So my cockeyed advice is - rather than focus on what has been (or not been) why not focus on what's out there. There are new adventures waiting for you, that great job is out there and the perfect guy for you. You need to go find it. Sitting around in your samne old situation is not going to change anything - it is just delaying the great life ahead. Get excited! New opportunities are waiting for you to come along. Remember, there are millions of men and millions of jobs - you really only need one of each! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
In reply to:
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:10am
I found this letter and read it it was not written for me ..... but thank you for writing it ..... it came home to me a bit there are ppl out there much worse off than me..

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