support or advice please...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
support or advice please...
5
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 12:33pm
Just broke up with my boyfriend about 2 hours ago... I think. I have no idea what we're doing or what I feel about it. On the one hand, I knew he wasn't exactly good to me at times, and that we had our problems. But on the other, we were good friends before we got together, and have a lot worth working for (I thought, but who knows these days). Things had gone badly over the last couple weeks. I'd brought it up a few times and we'd had our chats-- he feels responsible, says he 'doesn't feel he's doing right by me', that he's not nice enough to me. He needs to sort the rest of his life out as well, I know this and so does he because he's generally unhappy. But he's also my best friend. Do we have to go through everything alone?

Now, after spending the past night and day (so much for work...) together talking things over, I think we've just broken up. Well, officially we're just taking time off, but how do you know whether in that time off you genuinely want someone back or you're just missing them for that hole they fill in your life/time? How do you know if they're worth working for? And how can I convince him I am if it turns out he is to me???

Very confused, and definitely hurting. Wish I could call my best friend to give me a hug, but I can't anymore. Please give support or advice if you can-- I've been very lucky, and never really been hurt or had a bad relationship before, never had a confusing/complicated break-up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:09pm
Hi maefaire, i can relate to you. I've been w/ my ex for 6 years (2 living together) and then out of the blue he wanted a break (no OW here too, he was/is unhappy about himself, in a crisis). I said i didn't believe in breaks, specially after such a long time together so we broke up. I wasn't really happy in our r/s due to some problems, don't really know if he's the right one for me. Fast forward one month and i'm still confused, i mean i know i miss him and love him, but i don't know if it's worth working things out. He wants to get back together though. My best suggestion to you is just wait it out a little, i'm seeing a therapist to help me clear my mind up, maybe you should give it a try too. Try NC thing for a while, it'll give you time to really think about it all. I know your pain and confussion, it so tough. Just hang in there and try to see what's best for you.

Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:16pm
Now your posting may have just confused me, almost as much as you are confused right now. You say that you and him were best friends before you started dating, that sounds great! Those are the best relationships the ones that you didn’t just jump into, the ones that you actually know your partner, and fell in love with them over time and experiences with them. But then a huge question jumps into my head, why is one of the major problems between you and him the fact that he is "mean" to you? That makes no sense, it sounds to me that its more taking you for granted. You did say he needed to sort himself out and he was unhappy the majority of the times. Well let me tell you first off, he needs to man-up and stop taking things out on you. Because I will tell you I know before you even confirm it, that when you were friends, and before you took it farther he was never mean to you, and took things out on you, because he knew you wouldn’t take that sh*t from him. But now that you have all these stronger emotions and feelings for him you'll take the crap from him, wanting to be there for him and help him. It seems to me that, and here goes another saying " No one can help you, if you can't even help yourself" How can you make him happy, if he doesn’t even make himself happy? What is he upset about job, money, security? After a certain age, most people get highly upset, and moody, or get that "lost feeling" if they don’t have a certain amount accomplished like a home, good job, nice car, family, children etc. Come on you know we all have a little materialistic view on life. So what’s his issue, because he’s not helping himself, and it seems like he is only hurting you. And what is a "break"? That’s what I would like to know, and your listening to a person who has had a whole lot of them, trust me, and they still don’t make any sense to me. The real key is communication. Does he feel like you are holding him back from accomplishing what he wants to get done? Let’s face it most men fear multitasking? Having to worry about someone who loves them, and oh yeah themselves!! (I know it doesn’t make too much sense) I just want you to be strong, and know that everything happens for a reason. This may be a good time for you to focus on yourself, your work, god, etc. But try to give him some time and for yourself realize that you are a grown woman who can be by yourself, and you don’t need anyone. Its hard, I know, but remember we were born into this world alone, and we will die alone, no matter if you had kids, husband, bank account with millions of dollars, etc. you cant take anything but yourself to the after life! (I guess with the exception of twins : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:18pm
Hi maefaire,

Sorry to hear about your break-up. It sounds like you definitely need some time apart. And I think in time you'll know whether or not you want him back, or he's worth working on the relationship for, based on what HE does.

I hear a lot more negative in your post than positive..... he wasn't exactly good to you at times, things have been bad the past few weeks, he says he doesn't feel he's doing right by you.... well what is he willing to do about that? Has he said what kind of changes he's willing to make? You shouldn't have to convince him of anything. He should want this relationship as much as you do & be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

And I understand about wondering whether you miss them, or just feel somewhat "empty" by the space in your life they no longer fill. I think in time you'll know. Sometimes that emptiness is better than being treated badly... & you soon realize that you can spend your time in a much more positive, healthy & happy way!

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2000
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:11pm
I related somewhat to your post. My BF and I broke up 3 months ago. I did the breakup because I started feeling that we were just too different. He has kids, I don't, he was still way too angry at this ex-wife after over 2 years, he used the words "dumb b*tch" too often to describe women, he didn't feel he should have to pay anything to live with me, the list goes on. I made it rather impossible for him to dispute the breakup because all I said was that we were too different and that he needed this time to spend with his kids. (He is 10 years younger than me.) His response was "and to think a couple of times I was going to ask you to marry me. He stayed with me a couple weeks until he got his own place. I took him out to dinner for his BD and bought him a present. By the end of the evening he was calling me a F**king B*tch and said to keep my f**king present.

He did call a few times but left no message and when he did get in touch with me, (after 6 weeks) he apologized for the terrible things he said to me the night we broke up. He said I was right about a lot of things and he is changing his ways. He never said he wanted me back and I assumed he didn't. He called me one night to tell me he was bored and lonely. That doesn't mean he is missing me, it means he was making a booty call!!

Anyway, I made the break because I felt he wasn't right for me. Just because I am lonley doesn't mean that all the things he did no longer exist. We did have fun together and he was always very affectionate. But the fact was, he just wasn't right for me. If someone isn't right for you, then stop wasting your time and theirs. It has taken some time for me to stop thinking about the good times, but the fact remains he's not begging me to come back and I'm not calling him. I also know that it is his loss. He told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. I belive that to be true. I'm alone now, but I think I'm better off that way for now. It means that I can work on some of my issues and clear my path for someone who is right for me.

You have to ask yourself, If he came back, would it be the best thing for you or would it just be a temporary fix? All the reasons you broke up would still be there. I'm biting the bullet, working through my loneliness and looking forward to living my life free of someone who wasn't right for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:53am
Hi guys.

Just wanted to thank you for all your advice & commiseration. I'm feeling alot better now, and it's only one day after! I am hoping things will get even better as time goes on. Am making sure to keep my life busy in the meantime.

You're right-- there was a lot of negativity in that post, but you have to remember that negative things cause break-ups (or time off, whichever). Positive things are what kept us together and what made us good friends, and I hope we can get them back somehow, whether as friends or as part of a relationship. But the fact is, I still miss him and I hope things work out one way or the other.

I'll probably see him on thursday, so wish me luck.