Surprise Break-Up

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2005
Surprise Break-Up
8
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 8:55pm

Me and my boyfriend were approaching our one year anniversary which is in a few weeks. We contemplated breaking up once before ealier in the summer because he wasn't to sure of how faithful he could be and he didnt want to cheat on me.We ended up stayin together because I didnt wasnt ot break up nor did he want to even ponder the thought of me dating other guys.

As were approaching the end of the summer he calls me a couple days ago with the same "I want to sow my wild oats" bit. He feels that this relationshp could make it to the altar, but he doesn't feel he has had that chance to "sow his wild oats."I mean the relationship is goin well but he feels that his temptation for "other girls" at this point is very strong and that he may end up hurting me.

So he basically wants to go on a break for a while just to sow his oats and eventually get back around to me when he's done. What is going on with him? He said I did nothing wrong.I'm hurt by this but I don't want to spend this break crying over him while he's sowing away.Do you guys htink I should just live the single life and wait for him? I do want to get back with him,but this was kind of a harsh move on his part.Should I take him back when HE's ready?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 3:07am
The fact is that he wants freedom to do his thing and do it until he's fed up doing it. It may take a while from a few months to a couple of years. He was honest with you, we have to give him that. He didn't go cheating and cheating, but he told you his temptation is too big so he decided to go have fun and he set you free. I know it's sad and such, but it's his desicion. Now you have to decide what you'd do with your life. IMO, you should go on with your life. Date other guys and spend time by yourself. If he decides to go back to you, then you can decide if you want him in your life again. In the time he's sewing his wild oats" you could be meeting the love of your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2005
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 3:25am
i like that last sentence...yea im just going to go thru with it to respect his wishes althought i dont like it. but he wants to remain friends. basically he wants us to be the same except we dont have sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 11:53am

<<>>

You didn't mention this in your original post and this changes the situation a bit, in a my view. The week of NC is fine in my view, as he's set a dateline to get back to you and tell you his desicion: he'll be back OR he's not coming back.

BUT assuming that you two broke up and that he's told you that he wants to be friends on a long term basis with no dateline set to "date" again I'd think deeply about it and focus on what's good for ME and not for him.

Being frinds after a break up is not easy for the party who is still in love. Asking you to remain friends is something you have to think about. He wants time to think about himself and such, BUT he wants to remain friends with you; he assumes you will but he's not taking into consideration your feelings. What do you think about it? You say you don't like the NC thing but that you love him so you'll do it. BUT can you be friends on a long term basis under the circumstances? Is it good for you and feelings? Can you handle seeing him and not being able to kiss and hug him, let alone not be intimate with him? Asking you to be only friends isn't fair to you and it's selfish of him. You also need time to get over him before you can be his friend. The day you don't feel jealous of him or feel hurt by him talking about how other look or his GF, that day you can be his friend. NOT before. Think about this situation, as you may also need time to decide. Are you willing to be friends because you love him? Adhire to his wishes in spite of your feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 1:01am
NO WAY honey! You are your own person, and don't have to have a relationship on his terms! This is a pretty common thing though. I don't know why that is..but I don't think you should give him the satisfaction of being able to call all the shots. That's just my opinion, as I'm a firm believer in following your heart and learning your own lessons. I know I've had to in the past. Anyway, it might be time to do some healing and spend some time taking care of you..then you can decide if he's who you really want or maybe there's someone else that might be a better fit for you. Stay strong and take care :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 8:00am
Hi! Here is MY opinion on your situation. Regardless of what you feel, you need to at least show him you can move on. As long as you wait and he knows you're waiting, he will never see what life is like without you because he will know that he has a fallback. I wouldn't even keep in contact enough to be friends with him. If he wants space, give him space, no stipulations. My guess is he wants to "stay friends" so he can call on you if in a few months he doesn't find anything better. Is that really what you want to be to somebody? It hurts like hell, trust me, I know, but you really have no choice but to move on. You can't let him know you're waiting. MY ex tried that and as soon as I seemed like I was moving on, he suddenly misses me. Hm.. funny. You have to give him space and let him see you're worth it. In the meantime, have fun! Just think... you can take up the WHOLE bed if you want, don't have to listen to anyone snore or wake up to morning breath :) Don't hang on, if it's not there, it's not there and you hanging on isn't going to change that. Eventually you will feel better, but until then life will suck. Make a list of everything you dislike about him, it might make you feel better, he's not perfect ya know. If he thinks he can find something better or have more fun elsewhere, perhaps you can too. Again... just my opinion :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:58am
I am not a relationship expert but would like to give you some heartfelt advice. Don't wait for him on his terms. If you do that now, he will always think you are willing to do that. Live your life how you want to, go out, have a some good times with friends, stay home and watch a movie, what ever makes you happy. But I highly suggest you don't wait by the phone for him to call. When and if he becomes ready to come back, let him know how this has affected you and what you expect from the relationship now. If he thinks you are at home waiting for him he won't worry about loosing you forever, but if he knows your not waiting for him, it gives him something to consider while hes out "sowing his oats."
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 11:50am
Thanx you guys for your advice. Yea I'm definitely goin to move on.. He says he's goin to keep in contact with me no matter how much I do or don't keep in contact with me cuz he doesnt want to lose me. Basically he wants to have enough contact with me so that when HE is ready he can come back. I told him it won't be that easy. He won't be able to just walk right back into my life. If I am dating someone at the time then he is gonna have to work as hard as they are to win me over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 12:25pm

Hello???? Am I missing something here, but when did this become acceptable at all?? Girl, he is letting you go so he can screw other chics. I take it that you two have slept together.... and he is saying that isn't good enough so he's going to find other girls to sleep with. And not let you get too far away, paleeez. And don't be flattered that he is going to insist on keeping in contact... uh NO! You put your foot down, he is willing to give you up or actually move you outta the way so he can get his groove on , and for his own selfish jealousy isn't going to follow the no contact rule? THIS IS INSANE
He doesn't love you, this isn't love. If he isn't ready for a serious relationship or whatever fine, but he wants something and you aren't it. He is immature, and is feeding you alot of crap, sugarcoating it, so you feel special, "just wait right here and I'll be back, I just gotta go be a man for abit" If he can't be the man with you and love you with his everything than walk away. Leave him be, I promise you deserve way better. If in fact he does come back than what does that make you??? Second best, third, fiftyeth??? I sound harsh, but DROP THIS LOSER. I know you said you are moving on, please please believe that and don't hold on to that crap of I need to be friends, or maybe we'll make it to the alter after I get my rocks off for a few years without you. Phhttt, Hugs and please block him, delete him, run far away from him, restraining order, he is so unhealthy for you. Just remember when you feel sad, he gave you up first, now you are standing up for yourself and going to find a man who will love you for you and who couldn't imagine living a day without you

Just my opinion
Grace