takes so long . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
takes so long . . .
5
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 5:20pm
I have posted a few on the abuse board and me and my ex-abuser/boyfriend are broke up. That is a good thing but I am still dealing with the grief of losing the relationship, even though it was bad. And on top of the verbal/mental abuse, he had cheated on me, too. We have been in an off-again/on-again type relationship for around 6 years. I just always had that pit in my stomach that I couldn't trust him, but I rarely found anything substantial. About 2 years into our relationship, we were living together and I discovered a girl's phone number in his wallet. At first he denied knowing her (?), then the story led to "we just talk" - but then I would smell perfume on his shirt when he got home from work. He is a cop so he would come home a few hours later than usual and always had a good excuse, i.e., he arrested someone late, etc. etc. I ended things and moved out. We were apart almost 2 years and he came back to me and I took him back. Things were okay for about a year and then I felt the verbal abuse and the lies really kicking in again. It has been a month now that I dumped him because I again found some phone numbers of girls that he claims a male friend of his gave him. I was going crazy, and on top of that re-living the pain of what I went through previously with him. I know, I know, I should have never taken him back. I gave him another chance and he proved that people really dont change. I know he is seeing someone but I am dealing with it better than I did after our first break-up. I was devasted and very obsessed with who the girl was, etc. etc. This time, i don't care who she is or whatever. But, it still hurts and I still wonder why he does this to me. I remember that one time his mother said to me, "there's always 2 girls. . . " meaning he has a tendency to have 2 girls going on at the same time in his life. After knowing all this, why isn't it any easier for me to move on? Shouldn't I be ecstatic to get rid of someone like this? But I am not. I blame myself and wonder what I did to drive him away, to cause him to keep looking for another girl to take my place. It's only been a month but going through the hurt sucks so bad. And he is out there enjoying his newly single self. I can't even imagine going out with another guy at this stage!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 5:44pm

It sounds like you could really benefit from counseling. Your ex's issues and behavior are SO not about you and what you did wrong (although of course abusers want you to believe that, that's how they get their power over you) and I hate to think you are thinking that they are!

The sooner you are able to accept that this is HOW HE IS, and he would have done this to ANYONE, no matter how wonderful or perfect, the sooner you'll be well on your way to recovery. Counseling will really help with that...but do be sure to select a counselor who has experience and expertise in dealing with abuse issues.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 9:12pm

First and foremost you need to take "yourself" back. And try to remember who you were before this man came into your life. For six years or how ever long you were with this person you lost who you were and allowed him to make you feel as bad as you do. He was cruel and abusive to you and I know after hearing things said to you enough times you begin to believe it and think that there is nothing else better. But you need to break yourself free of that belief and know that it was HIM and not you. You are a much better person than he is and he is a nothing but a self-centered and selfish human being who betrayed your trust and worst of all broke your heart. But it is entirely up to you to say NO MORE, I WILL NOT LET YOU HURT ME, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. The first step is to let go, easier said than done, I know. But it really is the only way for you to be able to successfully move on. Perhaps getting therapy maybe a good for you, are you getting that now? If not, something to seriously look into. Good luck to you. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

T.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 4:13pm
Thank you very much for both posts. I have been seeing a therapist but i don't think that it is enough. .. or maybe it hasn't been impressed upon me enough that I need to get out of this mess. I guess what bothers me the most is, is that even though I logically know that the best thing for me is to stay away from him - his mental abuse and all that goes with it, I always end up looking to what I did wrong or to what the new girl is doing right for him to kick me to the curb so easily. I know I should just be thanking God he is away from me. I have definitely spent the last several years thinking about him and that habit is so hard to break. It just feels so weird - some days I feel like I am moving forward and others I start to cry again. It just seems to take me unusally long to really let go. and obviously for guys like him, one day seems good enough to move on. It seems unfair and unjust to me. Maybe I shouldn't focus on that, but I do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 1:40pm
You wrote "his mental abuse and all that goes with it, I always end up looking to what I did wrong or to what the new girl is doing right for him to kick me to the curb so easily."--- If you have a choice at this point, you either continue to blame yourself for all the bad things your ex did to you including being abusive or you say "F**k you..I did nothing to deserve what you did to me!! I am now going to let go of you and be happy with my life without you.." He obviously shattered your self-esteem and demeaned you, over and over again and yet you still long for him??? I don't know what awful things he said to you, but I have no doubt it was awful. So how can you envy or wonder what the new girl did to deserve him??? I would pity the new girl cause he is her problem now. You now are free of his abuses and now you can start picking up the pieces he broke. But you know as well as anyone. That is your choice and you are the only one who has the power to let go of him forever. Here it is plain and simple. Would you rather have a life of complete misery with someone or a life of happiness being alone? You choose..Goodluck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 8:21pm

People do what they do because they want to do it. Desicions are made based on our own needs and wants. You EX wanted 2 women and he made the desicion of dating 2 women at one time. You didn't drive him away and you didn't make him look for someone else to take your place. HE did this on his own. His standards in life dictate that he can do that. He conducts his life in a way that makes him happy. He doesn't take into consideration his GF feeelings. He does what he does becuase he wants to do it. He's committed to himself.

You made the desicion to dump him because that's what you needed to do. That was the right desicion to do for your particular situation. You don't have to feel bad about it because you chose to remove yourself from a bad situation. You knew that it was/won't get any better. Next time, in a few years, when he comes knocking on your door you'll know what to do: "nope".

You're not prepared to go out and date. You need to heal first. Love hyourself and know that you're lovable and valuable as a himan being. Take up a hobbie or adopt a pet. Go out with your friends and enjoy being single. Reclaim your life. Don't let a man, OR any other person for that matter, define who you are.