takes so long . . .
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takes so long . . .
| Fri, 11-03-2006 - 5:20pm |
I have posted a few on the abuse board and me and my ex-abuser/boyfriend are broke up. That is a good thing but I am still dealing with the grief of losing the relationship, even though it was bad. And on top of the verbal/mental abuse, he had cheated on me, too. We have been in an off-again/on-again type relationship for around 6 years. I just always had that pit in my stomach that I couldn't trust him, but I rarely found anything substantial. About 2 years into our relationship, we were living together and I discovered a girl's phone number in his wallet. At first he denied knowing her (?), then the story led to "we just talk" - but then I would smell perfume on his shirt when he got home from work. He is a cop so he would come home a few hours later than usual and always had a good excuse, i.e., he arrested someone late, etc. etc. I ended things and moved out. We were apart almost 2 years and he came back to me and I took him back. Things were okay for about a year and then I felt the verbal abuse and the lies really kicking in again. It has been a month now that I dumped him because I again found some phone numbers of girls that he claims a male friend of his gave him. I was going crazy, and on top of that re-living the pain of what I went through previously with him. I know, I know, I should have never taken him back. I gave him another chance and he proved that people really dont change. I know he is seeing someone but I am dealing with it better than I did after our first break-up. I was devasted and very obsessed with who the girl was, etc. etc. This time, i don't care who she is or whatever. But, it still hurts and I still wonder why he does this to me. I remember that one time his mother said to me, "there's always 2 girls. . . " meaning he has a tendency to have 2 girls going on at the same time in his life. After knowing all this, why isn't it any easier for me to move on? Shouldn't I be ecstatic to get rid of someone like this? But I am not. I blame myself and wonder what I did to drive him away, to cause him to keep looking for another girl to take my place. It's only been a month but going through the hurt sucks so bad. And he is out there enjoying his newly single self. I can't even imagine going out with another guy at this stage!

It sounds like you could really benefit from counseling. Your ex's issues and behavior are SO not about you and what you did wrong (although of course abusers want you to believe that, that's how they get their power over you) and I hate to think you are thinking that they are!
The sooner you are able to accept that this is HOW HE IS, and he would have done this to ANYONE, no matter how wonderful or perfect, the sooner you'll be well on your way to recovery. Counseling will really help with that...but do be sure to select a counselor who has experience and expertise in dealing with abuse issues.
Sheri
First and foremost you need to take "yourself" back. And try to remember who you were before this man came into your life. For six years or how ever long you were with this person you lost who you were and allowed him to make you feel as bad as you do. He was cruel and abusive to you and I know after hearing things said to you enough times you begin to believe it and think that there is nothing else better. But you need to break yourself free of that belief and know that it was HIM and not you. You are a much better person than he is and he is a nothing but a self-centered and selfish human being who betrayed your trust and worst of all broke your heart. But it is entirely up to you to say NO MORE, I WILL NOT LET YOU HURT ME, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. The first step is to let go, easier said than done, I know. But it really is the only way for you to be able to successfully move on. Perhaps getting therapy maybe a good for you, are you getting that now? If not, something to seriously look into. Good luck to you. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
T.
People do what they do because they want to do it. Desicions are made based on our own needs and wants. You EX wanted 2 women and he made the desicion of dating 2 women at one time. You didn't drive him away and you didn't make him look for someone else to take your place. HE did this on his own. His standards in life dictate that he can do that. He conducts his life in a way that makes him happy. He doesn't take into consideration his GF feeelings. He does what he does becuase he wants to do it. He's committed to himself.
You made the desicion to dump him because that's what you needed to do. That was the right desicion to do for your particular situation. You don't have to feel bad about it because you chose to remove yourself from a bad situation. You knew that it was/won't get any better. Next time, in a few years, when he comes knocking on your door you'll know what to do: "nope".
You're not prepared to go out and date. You need to heal first. Love hyourself and know that you're lovable and valuable as a himan being. Take up a hobbie or adopt a pet. Go out with your friends and enjoy being single. Reclaim your life. Don't let a man, OR any other person for that matter, define who you are.