Taking a "break"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Taking a "break"...
6
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 11:48am

I really don't understand this concept, and I'm not sure what to do from here. My boyfriend? and I have been together for just over a year, and we currently live together. Last week we had this incredibly long talk (which he started) that was all about something not quite right in the relationship. So we? decided to take a "break" for awhile and see how things go. I don't know what happened - we both had been doing the normal things, and then all of the sudden, no intimacy, and this distance between us developed. I still really love him, so this is killing me... he says he still has feelings for me, but he doesn't feel connected right now. And he didn't want to end the relationship without trying something first...so I guess this break is what he's trying. The first night I slept on the couch (mostly so I could cry and be by myself, but also to show him what it would really be like if we weren't together.) And then the next night I broke down and went back to bed (the couch is really really uncomforable lol.) I just kept hoping that it was a bad dream and he would cuddle with me. Which is kinda what happened. Now things are all messy because we've slept together like 3 times in the week since this happened - that wasn't even "normal" for us when we were first dating. But it's been incredibly wonderful - more so than before, and we both feel really happy afterwards. I can't tell if this is his last little party, or if we're beginning to reconnect - like he's seeing that those feelings are there. We've had a lot of financial difficulty and both changed jobs recently so there's been a lot of outside stress. Just before all of this he started talking about moving out of state, and made it seem like he wanted me to go. (You know, "I'll drive the moving truck, and you can follow in the car...what kind of couch would you like since we'll be needing a new one?" etc.) And then I started to quietly look for jobs in the new place, and then this happened. Did he get scared because I actually wanted to go?

I don't understand what this break is...I mean, nothing has really changed - we still go out together, and still sleep together...all we're missing is the title and "I love you's" now. Even so, I've been preparing for the break up. He knows I've been looking for other living arrangements and I explained that by saying that I'm preparing myself in case we decide not to live together anymore. I wanted to make it clear that it's not what I want, but I'm not ignoring that it could be a possibility either.

I'm probably handling this all wrong, and this is probably his way of pulling back his own emotions before leaving me so that it will be easier...but I can't help but hope that this is more like a vacation than a breakup. Any advice? What can I do to show that I still love him without looking like an idiot who "needs" him? So far I've just been taking it day by day and trying to be happy. Help?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 11:48am

Ok, this may take a bit, but bear with because I know exactly how you feel. My "boyfriend" and I are currently in a similar situation. When we decided to take a "break" it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but it has turned more into a "breakup." Although, I know realize that it was definitly the right decision.

(let me give you some background)
Last year I got divorced. When I started dating my "boyfriend" I had only been divorced for a few days. My ex-husband cheated on me and the relationship had been over for a while, and I knew I wanted to date him, we just waited until the divorce was final. We had a great time together, we had an awesome relationship. However, he could see that I was not completely over what my husband had done. After being cheated on, I now had a few issues (like trusting and jealousy) that I had not had in any previoud relationship. So, we decided to take a "break" I didn't want to, and he didn't either, but he felt like it was the right thing. For the first few weeks, nothing much changed. We didn't live together, but we continued to talk every day, we still hung out a few times a week, and we still slept together. And all those things made us just hang on to each other and want to get back together. But the problem was, was that we needed time apart, because I really did need some time to be me again after being with my husband for 4 years (not married for 4 years--we were only married one, but we dated for 3) So, we started talking less frequently and seeing each other less often. And at first it strained the friendship we had before we ever even got together because all we did was have the relationship talk. We have now been broken up for almost 5 months and we still talk and our friendship is getting stronger. We spend the night together maybe once or twice a month and we both still have feelings for each other. We have started getting closer the last 2 weeks and things seem to be getting a lot better.

So, here is my advice to you. If you want things to work out, let them just happen. When I started pushing, is when our relationship got strained becuase he said that I needed to be patient and let things work themselves out. And as much as I hate to admit that he was right, he WAS right. Things here lately are a lot better. I have not only missed him, but I have actually realized how much I really care about him too. Also, don't throw out the idea of meeting other people. I met this guy about a month and a half ago, and he was really really awesome. I didn't turn into anything, BUT, it made me really miss my "boyfriend" and when he found out about this guy, it lit a fire under his ass and started to come around a little, when he realized that I wasn't just sitting around waiting for him. Although it is hard to not be together especially when I don't know what we are waiting for, it was the best decision for us at the time and I do think that now it is just a matter of time before we get back together.

Good Luck to you and I hope this has helped at least a little bit. BTW, the whole concept of "a break" makes no sense to me either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 9:05pm
I think looking for other living arrangements is a good idea.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 8:59am

Thank you all for the advice...

The thing is, we both knew that we couldn't afford this place without each other when we moved, and talked about it before hand. We decided that if anything happened, we would keep living here until the end of the lease. He did see that I was looking for a new place, and got pretty scared because he thought I was leaving now. I just told him that I would keep my promise to stay until the end of the lease, but I was considering what to do after it's up (end of August.) Since we've already "blended" our finances, it's pretty hard to now separate them. And I've realized that between my two jobs, I don't make enough money. (I do make decent money, I just have a lot of bills.) I'm already working myself stupid, and still couldn't make it on my own. Yuck!

I constantly have this feeling that I have to keep him entertained...when I get home, he asks what are we going to do tonight? And after working two jobs, all I want to do it sit at home and do nothing. But he gets bored sitting here and asks me what to do. Every idea I come up with is turned down...so I'm confused. If he's that bored, why doesn't he go out by himself, or with friends??

Even though our relationship hasn't changed, it seems evident to me that we don't really have one anyway. And I'm pretty upset about it, because I really care...and I can't see anything I did to change things or that I've done anything "wrong." I'm still the same person he fell in love with over a year ago...how do I remind him of that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 7:12pm
Not to scare you, but the "relationship" you do or don't have right now, sounds ALOT like what started happening in my relationship with my ex-husband before he started cheating on me. I am not saying by any means that that is what is going on. I am not really sure at all what I am trying to say or what advice to give you, but trying too hard to make him see things he may not want to, could make things worse, that is what happenened to me. I wanted so badly for him to see that I hadn't changed and that I was the same person he fell in love with, but it wasn't me who changed, it was him. And it drove us further apart, and eventually drove him into another relationship.
I hope things don't go this way for you. Good Luck.
kate
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 2:17pm
I understand what you are going through. I am there to. My boyfriend told me that same thing, and that he wants to find his feelings for me, and he knows what he did was very hard on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:25pm

With all the blended finances, commitment to living together, common household appliances (ok, I added that last one), etc., it sounds to me like you have a relationship closer to marriage than just live-in BF/GF. In a relationship of that level of commitment, perhaps you should consider couple's counseling? Obviously, when you moved in together, you both had the idea that this was a SERIOUS relationship, and you've tied yourselves together a lot through those acts. Not that finances and leases can't be sorted out, it's just that they represent a high-level of commitment on both of your parts, and I'd hate to see that lost just b/c of doubts/frustrations/honeymoon-period's-over feelings.
I dunno... counseling's just a suggestion. Maybe it's not worth saving... hard to say from my point of view.
Leaving it as a "break" sounds like a messy situation, though. I think I'd prefer a more "Hey, buddy, you're either in or out of this relationship" approach. And it doesn't sound like you're happy with the "break" either.
Ultimately, do what's best for YOU! Do what will make YOU happy.

Much sympathy for all you're going through,
~S