Taking a break and no contact...........

Avatar for halliej25
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Taking a break and no contact...........
2
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 5:03pm

I have posted here before about my issues with my boyfriend of over a year. Some of the posts I’ve read about feeling lonely even in the relationship I can relate too but a lot of us was soo good and happy. I had my suspicions that he had been talking and texting someone from his past that he dated briefly before me and chose me over her. I confirmed my suspicions by looking at one of his phone bills and was really hurt, but that never ‘proved’ anything, I was just in such a bad place the last few weeks because I knew he was keeping things from me and while probably not deliberately hurting me, ultimately it did hurt to feel like the man I spend so much time with felt the need to keep things from me and not do the honorable thing and discuss them.

So anyway, I won’t belabor the point but I told him yesterday that obviously things were not improving while in the relationship and that we needed a break. He didn’t want the break (I guess that’s in a small way reassuring) but he did agree we needed it. He wanted to work through our problems and I said I think we are beyond the point of working through them together, we need time apart and he has to not only figure out what he wants but take active steps to improve on it and take action. It goes deeper than him maybe talking to some girl he dated, he’s been unhappy about a lot in his life: his health, work, boredom….but I guess I feel like we all go through things and I have gone through things but still have been able to work on the relationship but he sometimes is choosing the easier path and not actually working on himself.

So he said he was terrified of losing me and that’s why he never wanted to take a break, he knew I would meet someone soon or that an ex would be interested and he’s scared because he doesn’t want me to date anyone else and this space isn’t about him pursuing someone it’s about him figuring out things. He said I’m the one he wants to be with, to end up with, to marry, that he envisioned this time next year us looking at apartments together to move in and that he wants to be married and have children but he is struggling at the same time with turning 30 next year and commitment and stressed that he thinks some time off will be enough to figure that out.

Of course I have no idea, I have to take this time also ( since it was my decision) to see if I can really trust him again and what I think about ‘us’. I am trying to be strong and have done a great job today except when he emailed me to tell me he’s nauseous and hurt, I didn’t respond though which is good. I didn’t even know what to say, because I am beyond hurt so instead I cried it out in the bathroom and returned to work. I still didn’t respond and have decided I won’t today. Of course I still want him to come back to me but only if he’s truly taken the steps he needs to work on things. I also have decided that if he does come back, I need to come up with conditions for us ( like counseling and a few other things). I guess I just wonder if I continue not to respond, will he just forget and go away or will he know that it’s because we need space? We talked out everything last night, probably had the best conversation we ever had, and continued into this morning but do I send a ‘final’ email this week and say “I’ve been thinking and the best thing is to take real space for a while with no contact at all. We both need to figure out what is going on in our heads and hearts in order to have a chance of a strong relationship together. I believe we can get there and be happy again, but we can’t fall into the same patterns and routines as before and have to start new. If you decide that’s what you want in your future, then you know how to get in touch with me. If not, then please do not contact me.”

Is that good? Too much? Should I say nothing at all and let him get the point? I know this last one no one can answer but how long is long enough? Was he just saying all that or is he really going to work through this stuff to be with me. I know no one can tell me but I would love to hear anyone’s stories about such things…….

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:16pm

Hi, I'm sorry to hear it's come to this, but you sound like you feel it's the right thing to do. However, this sounds to me like a breakup (with the possibility of getting back together) not a break. So yes, I'd say that no contact is best unless and until he is .

Is there any reason you didn't try couples counseling first? I guess I'm just not sure I understand how issues like the trust issue are going to be resolved separately.

Sheri

Avatar for halliej25
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:03am

That is a good point, I almost brought it up about counseling right now but I just realized I need space and honestly I think time without me to miss me (or not) is what he needs too. I was the one who called it a break, not break up, and he then asked if we could just call it ‘space’ and time apart to sort through things and he said that there is no doubt that we will be back together, this is probably the wake-up call he needs to figure things out. I don’t think it should take a break or space to wake him up to what we had together and that he was hiding things, but I know from stories that friends have shared with me or been through that sometimes space before true commitment (moving in, marriage) has helped them figure out if this is really the relationship they want to pursue. Of course it works both ways and that is the scary part, I think that’s why we didn’t have this conversation earlier, though we should have.

Time apart can mean that you figure out you are better off not getting back together. It’s hard to think of that now since it’s only been one day but I guess I have to prepare myself for that outcome too. He said that he knows right now I am the woman he wants to marry and grow old with, have children with, loves me like he has never loved anyone but at the same time he is struggling with knowing that and getting to the next step of commitment. While I appreciate his honesty in that conversation, I don’t know how I can completely forget his selfishness in hiding his communication with an ex…possibly for months and I have no doubt they hung out. Plus he admitted to not telling her about me. He never admitted that they hung out though, but I just know they have. That’s the part that hurts the most, I am actually quite an open minded person and as much as it would have hurt to hear, I would have a lot of respect, trust, faith in him if he had approached ME first and said hey, I’m struggling with things/commitment, I love you but I might need space to figure things out rather than be deceitful and have me, his loving girlfriend but also have regular communication with an ex.

I think he’s surprised that not only did I find out (on my own, through snooping a little) but I took action. He’s used to getting what he wants and even tried to change the terms of the ‘space’ to weekly dinners, still talking and emailing. I was strong and said no to all of it. He still wants me to go away with him in two weeks and be a part of everything as if things are normal, he was like I think I’ll realize in two weeks how much I miss you and I have to figure things out. He asked me not to date or meet someone, he’s terrified of losing me. In my mind though, since I was the one who took action, I think he’s just trying to keep some kind of control. It’s not that he doesn’t love me, but he loves me while also wanting to control the situation and I took that away from him, finally, and feel surprisingly good about things considering my heart is broken. I think I had been prepared for it for so long, plus I have amazing friends and family who have seen me through every step of the way and supported every decision so that helps tremendously. While I know he has told maybe one or two people, if anyone, he is very private. He emailed me yesterday (the very first day of ‘space’) telling me how hurt he is and he’s feeling sick all day and wasn’t sure if it was okay to contact. I was actually surprised he opened up to me that much, but I didn’t respond. Instead, I went to the bathroom and cried and then kept on working. I don’t know how I would get through this without my friends, but I also realized I’m much stronger than I had felt the last few weeks. That’s a good thing to realize. Of course, I would still love a guarantee that he’s hurting, doing the things he needs to do and is planning to come back and I am still wanting to contact but I have resisted, today is only day 2.