Taking a break = Break up?
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 06-10-2007 - 6:03pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together 5 months (we dated for 1 1/2 month 3 years ago). We moved in after 3 months and there have been bumps in the road definitely. We have the normal arguments just like any couple as we get to know each other better. At the time we moved in together everything seem to be convenient as we were both living at home at the time. So it made sense for us to live together and have our freedom...at times I felt we moved too fast but things worked for the most part. Even though we live together we don't see each other that much because we have opposite work schedules. Sometimes he'd go to his parents and I go to mine to get a break from each other but when we are together we enjoy each other's company and we sure laugh a lot.
Then all of the sudden on Friday we were just laying in bed talking about the state of our union and he brought up the fact that for the past couple of weeks he had this feeling that he didn't see us long term. He told me it was due to witnessing his parents' fighting constantly since he was a child. For religious reasons they stay married but don't get along and are miserable. He's mentioned this to me many times before that his parents relationship affect how he viewed relationships and commitment. But I kept telling him that every relationship is different and that he shouldn't let his parents' marriage dictate everything he felt about love because my parents have a very unstable marriage too but I still believe in the positive things about love/relationships. I told him that many people come from disfunctional families end up happily married. He said he didn't know one therefore he didn't beleive that. The thing is that I didn't even bring up the "M" word. On many occassions I told him that I didn't want to get married or have kids/family anytime soon, not within the next 5 years anyway because I've got my career and school to focus on. For me, I don't look that far into the future when I am in a relationship b/c what I learned is that the pictures I had in my head were always exactly opposite of how they turned out. So I stopped doing that but he does and he is now bugging out.
I was upset because I felt that our relationship was imbalanced, I gave my all to make him and us happy. He only did enough to keep the relationship going. I told him that I'd rather end the relationship than be with him when he couldn't be with me 100%. He apologized and said that I didn't deserve this and that was why he was afraid to tell me how he truly felt. I told him that I appreciated him being honest with me. I'd rather deal with the pain now than be in denial and act like we're completely happy. He mentioned taking a break and I said a break leads to a break up. I let him know that if we're breaking up again this time we're never getting back together again because I can't put myself through another cycle of pain like that. I've never loved anyone like I love him but I gotta protect my heart too.
I ended our relationship on Friday night, packed up all my things (this was around 2 AM Saturday morning and we had to get up at 5:30 AM so I just stayed and slept through the night...hardly slept though).
So when he was getting ready to leave in the morning he told me that he wanted to talk when we saw each other again. I said to him "you told me how you feel so what is there to talk about?" He replied by saying that "you shouldn't make a decision in 12 hrs. Just leave your things here don't take them with you." So I said fine we'll talk when we can. I came back to the house last night to grab my laptop and he was there so we talked briefly cuz he had to go. I thought about it all day yesterday and I let him know I would be willing to stick by him for a little longer for him to figure this out because he stuck by me when I went through personal issues that could make or break our relationship so I felt that it was only fair for me to give him a little more time. He said he didn't know where to start to work on this. He's talked to friends about it and they told him that we must not be a good match b/c if we are he wouldn't be feeling that way. I asked him what he thought of that comment and he said he didn't care what person X or person Y had to say. It's how he felt about every relationship he's had. I told him if he won't work on getting that issue out of his system he'll never have a good relationship with any girl. He said he knew that and didn't want to end up a lonely old man.
I also asked him if it was because he wanted to be single and just date around? He said no, he knew what he had with me.
I told him the best people to talk to were his parents and Jesus. He told me that he knew that I am the best thing that ever happened to him yet he couldn't get past that feeling. Just Friday morning he said he was so lucky to have me and that I am the best girlfriend ever and later that day everything just came crashing down in front of me. I was so angry, hurt and felt resentment towards him by this and I asked if he even loved me and he said yes and he knew how good we are together but that was still how he felt. He also asked me that why we're apart if I could come up with any solution to help him.
We parted ways last night and he gave me a hug and kissed my head and told me he'd call me later on in the night after he talked to his mom. Since then I haven't heard a word from him or even a text message. I have been trying my best to leave him alone and I am doing good so far. I want to leave the contacting up to him when he feels he's ready to talk. He confused the heck out of me because of the positive way he felt about me and us but could he still have this fear? I know our relationship is fairly new we are still around phase one where people figure out if this is what they want. He said this relationship is the most healthy he's ever had and wanted to fix his problem. Am I right by staying by him for a little longer? Prepare myself for the worst?

Welcome to the board mangobd,
I'm not sure if you read this, but check it out:
When he asks for space (aka, "a break")
So last night he texted me and asked me what I was doing and I just responded I was studying and haven't heard anything else. I am just going to let him be and when he's ready to talk we'll talk. I don't have a good feeling about this at all so I've been preparing myself for the end. I just want to be as honest with myself as possible and will accept it for what it is and walk out of this with my self respect and dignity in tact.