talk? really need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
talk? really need advice
5
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 2:59pm

Do any of you think it is wise to have a talk with my male friend about my feelings now that he is happily falling for this new girl in this life? He has always liked her but could never ask her out because they were co-workers. Now that he has a new job he has asked her out and he's been on a high ever since. It's been almost four weeks.

After speaking to my therapist today, he suggested I call up my friend and meet him to talk and air out my feelings with him. I have been hanging out with my friend since we ended a romantic dating relationship this year. We dated for three months. I was not the girl for him. He had tried to allow his feelings for me to grow but it never happened so he ended the romantic part and we remained friends since. My problem is my inability to open up and one of the reasons why he lost his attraction to me. My therapist thinks this is a good test for me to get rid of some of my inhibitions and not worry about what my friend thinks.

I have always had romantic feeligs for my friend. I have tried my best to move on by dating other guys but my friend always remained in the picture and my feelings for him never went away. In fact, they have grown but I have never allowed him to know this.

Will I lose his friendship after talking to him? He will be the one to decided if he wants to keep our friendship. I can't just let our friendship naturally drift because he has someone new in his life. Should I express these feelings?




Edited 11/23/2005 3:30 pm ET by jens128
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 9:25pm
If you can express your feelings and be ok with the outcome being rejection, then go for it. If not, then I'd be concerned that you would be extremely hurt if he doesn't return the same feelings.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 7:15am

Opening up with your friend does not mean that he is going to propose a romantic relationship. It just means that you will release all the feelings and emotions that you have for him. It will set you free in a way. I suppose that's why your therapist recommends you to do that.

On the other way, you are already prepared for the outcome because you know that he is interested in other girl, so you won't really get disappointed. I don't think he will end the friendship, on the contrary, maybe he will feel flattered about it or he will offer help so you can move on. I think that anybody values honesty and you are being honest with him, so I don't see how he can possibly reject your friendship.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 3:26pm
Thanks. I still haven't talked to him about it yet and I haven't heard from him since the Sunday before I posted this message which is a week now. I supposed he is so head over heels for her that he has forgotten about me. Everything is so new for him right now and he is on such a high. He just started a new better job, moving into a better new apartment and has the girl that he has liked for a long time. Things are real good for him right now. I am afraid to mess that up for him because I truly want him to savor this moment of happiness. It's as if he is given a second chance to start his life all over again. I am so torn. Maybe I will just tell him how I feel when he calls again instead of me calling him to have the talk. It's just that having such a talk seems so final and you are all right, I am not sure if I am 100% prepared to lose his friendship although I know it is best for me to move on. I can't seem to work up the courage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 5:28pm
I am hurting so much right now. I just discovered that he is already planning on sleeping with her after dating her for only three weeks and on only 5 dates. We didn't even sleep together after dating for three months. I don't think I can talk to him now.



Edited 11/28/2005 5:32 pm ET by jens128
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 5:09pm

Good for you for not sleeping with him. In my last (almost 3 months) we also were not intimate.

I know this must be really hard but I would be honest with him esepcially if he is divulging such details (it must hurt to hear it) and he may think twice about telling you some stuff.

Friends do move on though, especially when they hook up. Like the other poster said if you can have low expectations. I am sorry you are going through this. Don't be too hard on yourself.