Teacher/Student Fling-Grieving for years
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| Tue, 06-27-2006 - 5:57pm |
I couldn't find my message after I posted it, and am trying again. Sorry if this gets double posted! :(
I don't believe I can tell this story without mentioning my history, so I'm sorry if I end up writing a quasi-novel. I believe I mentioned my situaiton on these boards under a different ID a couple of years ago, and was told I had a "very active imagination." The thread was deleted after harsh criticisms from another user appeared. Nothing much has changed since then.
I'm 24 years old with a bachelor's in biology and psychology from the University of Georgia, so you'd think I'd know what to make of my circumstances... but I'm just as confused and agonized as ever.
During almost the entirety of high school and half of college, I dated David. We were to marry upon graduation, and although we went to different colleges, I made the 70ish mile drive to see him every weekend, and occasionally during the week.
While David had left his dorm one morning to set up meterological instruments around Atlanta for a research project, I decided to check my email. As I disabled the screensaver on his computer, I was greeted with a giant, full-window view of the online personals site, Match.com. I was instantly upset, believing that he was using it to meet other women "on the side." As I read his profile, three words caught my eye: "Male seeking Male." I burst out into laughter, because I assumed it was a typo. I thought I was exacting revenge on him by changing parts of his profile to sound unabashedly "gay."
When he returned, I confronted him, and thought I could get more information out of him by saying that he'd better tell me everything he's been doing, or I'd leave him on the spot. I was expecting "Oh, I met a girl online," or something to that effect. So, imagine my bewilderment when my significant other of 5 years tearfully uttered "I think I might be gay."
Upon hearing that, I sprinted to my car and drove back to UGA, and never saw him again, although we did talk several times through instant messaging... the conversations were never pleasant, because I'd either be reacting, full of spite, to his confessions of realizing his homosexualtiy three years before I found out, or mixed feelings of pain and disgust at hearing of his many sexual rendezvous with other men in the area.
Having been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and depression at 15, I found myself with no friends, no one to talk to, and no support network. I always got so nervous around people, even with medication, that I often avoided it at all costs.
So, instead of talking to anyone in "meatspace," I reached out to all of my online buddies in "cyberspace," as it is the only social venue I feel remotely comfortable in. I even emailed a teacher at my college, "Brian," having found his email address on an old syllabus. I didn't talk of David at all. I disguised my need to reach out to him in asking which professor he recommended for the follow-up course to his class.
After a few emails (he had a yahoo account, and yahoo messenger services as well), we began chatting in real-time online through yahoo messenger. Brian and I played Yahoo Games online, pool and their version of scrabble, also while chatting, into the wee hours of the night. At some point, we agreed to go see a movie, and set a "date." I was 20 years old. Now, because of my severe social anxiety, I panicked right before he arrived, and took a week's worth of my tranquilizing medication, klonopin (in the same family as Valium and Xanax). It proved to be too much, because I have no memory of the movie, going to the movie, or returning to my apartment. I only vaguely remember the two of us sitting on my bed and watching a Leno segment. We fumbled through some old papers from his class, chatted, and suddenly, I became aware of us sitting rather closely.
At this point, I was still recovering from my generous dosaging of klonopin...which reacts in the body similarly to alcohol, although it does not alter cognition. I'm not certain how physical contact was initiated, but I believe we decided to arm-wrestle (as a lame excuse to touch eachother), and I ended up sitting on top of him as he lay recumbent on my bed. One thing led to another, and you know how that goes...
Subsequently, the relationship took a bizzare, reverse progression. Typically, one would meet someone, begin talking, dating, kissing, and eventually...sexing. As our "thing" (I don't know if it even qualifies as a relationship) progressed, we became less intimate, and it seemed to have more to do with his resolve than mine, as I *really* liked this guy. I remember on the last "date," I reached over to kiss him, and he turned his head so that the kiss landed on his cheek. The next time we talked online, he kept gave me the "you're a really nice person, but we're very different" routine. He also apologized "if gave a different impression." He said he was glad that we could still be friends because he enjoyed spending time with me, that perhaps in time he could verbalize what he meant by saying we were different, and said "or perhaps I spoke too soon."
Despite what he said, he began to cut off all contact with me. He stopped returning my emails, would sign off of his messenger service whenever I signed on. I finally received a short email stating that he had changed his mind, and that he didn't think we should be friends anymore. A week later, he moved to Atlanta to teach.
I'd never been so hurt. On top of David's coming-out fiasco, the wounds from "Brian" seemed to cut especially deep. And despite feeling like "Brian" had ripped my heart to shreds, I idolized him. Although he didn't know me well, I had watched him flawlessly teach three times a week for a semester, seemingly brilliant and all-knowing, and I suppose, was fooled into believing him a friend.
I was so devestated by this blow, that I sunk into a deep depression. I stopped attending class and my grades suffered; I stopped going to work, and was fired. A week later, I took the rest of the Klonopin I had, and ended up being hospitalized for a week.
I never returned to my "usual self." I began abusing benzodiazepines, painkillers, and alcohol. I got so upset, and had nowhere to direct my pain, so I began cutting myself when it seemed intolerable. I was to be hospitalized 7 more times for overdosing, cutting, and drug abuse. Eventually, I was diagnosed with full-blown Borderline Personality Disorder, which includes self-injurious behavior, repeated suicide attempts, black and white thinking, intense but stormy relationships, emotional disregulation, and severe problems with impulse-control. I'm currently taking anti-psychotic, mood-regulating, anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety medications. I can barely function anymore.
I've had other relationships since "Brian," but have always held him in the back of my mind. It's been 4 years since our "fling" occured, and I have neither layed eyes on him nor have had contact with him. My feelings have remained unchageable, however. Recently, some new pictures of him surfaced on the internet...he's gained weight, and lost all of his hair. I was, at first, tickled, hoping it was some cosmic/karmic revenge for having rejected me. But I soon realized I had never based my feelings on his looks, and would take him back in a microsecond were he to ask... and just sunk back into depression.
I realize the obvious: he doesn't like me, he never has, he has no interest in me, I shouldn't have had sex with him so soon.
What I don't understand, is why my feelings remain so strong four years after-the-fact. Usually when I develop an infatuation with a person, it fades upon losing contact. I'm convinced I would die for "Brian."
Avery Phoenix

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To be honest with you, "Brian" sound like an A$$ who took an opportunity to use and abuse you. He is scum of the earth. Unfortunately, in a way you have to blame yourself by taking all those pills. You cant blame him totally since you made the move...Being under the influence is not an excuse. If I was you I would look back at that, reflec, feel embarrassed and NEVER do that again.
As far as your ex coming out...unfortunately it happens but you have to remember, while I do not condone this, it must be very hard for someone who is gay to "come out". They may want to do what ever they can to prove they are not....including date the opposite sex. Now with the internet, which makes it worse, it is easier to explore and be curious. I understand why you would be upset but years ago it was not "IN" to be gay like it seems to be today so you have to understand. Cut him alittle slack.
You need to see a better Psychiatrist. Put you on better meds and not have you take Klonopin all the time. I have panic disorder too, I take Lexapro and I ONLY use Xanax when I feel REALLY Bad!!!!!!!!....remember NO ONE EVER DIES FROM A PANIC ATTACK!!! You should be seeing someone who can figure out your triggers and help you learn to control certain behaviors.
I honestly do not know what else to say. I cant feel completely sorry for you. The thing with Brian could have been avoided...if you were that nervous about see him..guess what that was sign, you should have avoided the whole situation...never date your teacher or boss. Watch who you decide to tell your problems to also...he was not the right person to do that with.
I am not trying to be down on you but you do have to take responsibility or your own actions.
I didn't mean to place all of the blame on the teacher. From the outset of our "conversations," I knew I liked him, and assumed that was being reciprocated. I know taking so much Klonopin was not the ideal thing to do, but conviction, it seems, is a luxury of those on the sidelines. If I were to avoid every situation that made me nervous, as you suggested, I would have to resolve to live the rest of my life in absolute solitude. :( I do believe he could have been more direct in his intentions. When I'm given mixed messages, I stupidly tend to favor the signals I want to believe, and disregard the others.
That I should "cut" David "some slack" for using me as his cover, and misleading me for 3 years sounds a bit harsh. Why should anyone have the right to make his life convenient and comfortable at the expense of someone else? Nevertheless, it was a break-up easy to get over... at least I knew it had nothing to do with me personally.
I don't have insurance, so the only pscy care I can receive is from a local facility that only dispenses medications, and has group therapies. I cannot bring myself to even go to a group because of the anxiety, and was told that borderline personality disorder isn't treated there.
I don't know why I'm so hung up on Clay, and for so long. I spend most of my hours curled up in the corner of the house downloading unrequited love songs.
I have nothing going for me right now. My degrees are worth nothing in the town I now live in, not that I can hold a job anyway. I'm $25,000 in credit card debt, $20,000 in debt from student loans, God know's HOW MUCH in hospital bills (9 hospitalizations in 4 years, counting overdoses, detoxes, and kidney stones), broken leases and contracts... and no income to boot, and I haven't got a soul.. not even family... on my side.
Conviction is a luxury for those on the sidelines.
"Smart guys are hot. Smart guys who are in a position of authority over us are way hot. So professors, if they are remotely good-looking and have even half a personality, are going to be in a league of their own. Very hard to knock them off that infatuation pedestal."
I could not have said that better myself. I was head-over-heels before he ever knocked on my door. And no, he did *not* know I had taken any medication. He's actually a very sweet guy, and I never believed that he took advantage of me (which has made forgetting him almost impossible).
I was reeling with emotions from my recent break-up with the gay guy (and I, too, do not have a problem with other's sexuality... only when my long-term partner's sexuality is not compatible with mine, and he's sneaking around whilst still seeing me in order to hide his identity). BTW, 2 weeks after I found out he was gay, he started IMing me (despite my protests) about *exactly* what he did with this guy, and that, and how he suddenly realized he was never attracted me. It was really hard to take coming from the man I had planned on marrying in 2 years.
I don't pretend to know what pathologies when into sleeping with my professor. Poor impulse control (typical with borderline personalities), the first experience of lustful sex, the first encounter with a sexually-compatible mate, being with an older man who subconsciously reminds me of my father...? Who knows?
I do know that my feelings on the matter now are unheathly, and I don't know what to do with them. I haven't even brought it up in detail with a psychiatrist/psychologist, because when I do mention it, they instantly and insistantly want to know who it is, where he works, what department he's in, etc. and I would never in a gagillion years want to jeopardize his career and have him hate me more than he probably already does.
I've moved out of the realm of infatuation, and really believe I'm obsessing. I find myself occasionally scouring the internet for any new morsel of information about what he's up to. I feel like a creepy cyberstalker, but the curiousity is overwhelming. I lie in bed and go over every memory I have about him, think about what I'd say to him if I ever saw him again, download songs with lyrics that remind me of him, re-read old emails and IM conversations. He's still on my buddylist, I know his email addy, but I never contact him, despite the urge to. I want to believe this will all blow over, and that I'll "get over it," but my last conversation with him was 3 years ago...and the feelings have not diminished in the absence of contact at all.
Avery Phoenix
PS, Sandra: Whoops, I meant "Brian"
I said it was hard to knock them off the pedestal, not impossible ;)
Your gay ex was really selfish in telling you all about his escapades.
Have read your post several times. It's an eerie feeling that so much of what you have to say sounds so much like myself. I am currently going through a very similar situation; although I was going to attempt suidcide a few days ago, but just didn't have the intestinal fortitude to go through with it. And, yes, it does take an extremewly brave person to go through with suidide. You should also be aware of the fact that not only in recent medical literature, but also in the popular literature, that most of the ant-depresants on th market can cause psychosis and suicidal behavior. I can certainly vouch for that because it was happening to me. I was on Klonipin, Xanax, Resperidol, the whole gambit of meds. And I too had my demons to face with alcohol as well.
So, you know my history from your heart-felt e-mail to me. As much as I hate to admit to it, and it's been going on two years for me, I still would (foolsihly even though I know now more than ever it ain't a happening thing) take my ex back. In spite of all the many hurts and damage she has done to my life. Be thankful that you don't any kids children involved. That's when it really starts to hurt.
My first year of going through the divorce was incredibly horrific. I needed to lose weight as I had gained a considerable amt of weight due to low esteem. However, my first month of being put through an absolute hell I dropped 60lbs. That coupled with the fact that I was waking up every morning crying profusely, and just plain puking my guts out; even with no food in my stomach because the thought of food made me sick. So, I vomitted exudate from my stomach.
Before I was able to get some of money from the ex, I was literally starving aned had to beg for food. A few years ago, I was making close to six figures (and spent it ALL on my ex and son). Well, back to my episode of begging an uncle for a meal to eat. After eating a TV dinner he made for me, I went back to my apt. and sat in a chair crying my heart out (again). I wound up hurling the TV dinner dinner all over myself. When I look back at the moment in time, I just can't believe how low a person can stoop to. Although I am doing a tad better than I was at that moment, I still am having an extremely rough time. I'm sure you can relate to this: most of your friends have abandoned you, and everyone is so full advice. All the wonderful cliches such as things will get better with time, yada-yada. Easy to say when one has a family, money in the bank, a good job, etc. Let those people who are so full of advice walk in your shoes and I have no qualms that they wouldn't be so quick to give advice. They haven't been there and done "that."
Well, only a few more weeks in this apt. before I get evicted, and I don't even know where I might wind up. But for sure, I am getting out of FLA. I lived in FLA for over 30 years now, and trust me on this, it's a great place to visit, but an absolutely lousy place to live/try to make a living in. Particularly South FLA.
Avery, you sound like a very special caring person...really, you do. I don't have the faintest ieda what you look like, but it my sincerest hope that I could possibly find someone like you to build a life with. You have heart, girl:-)
If I've learned anything over my brief years, it does take incredible "intestinal fortitude" to commit suicide. Thanks to the insisting of one of my ex's, I owned several guns and even have a permit to carry them - I got as far as having a 9mm loaded and cocked and in my mouth, but could not go through with it. The instinct to want to live is still really strong, even when wallowing in depression.
I've had four would-be fatal overdoses in four years. With the first three, I called for help and recovery was rather uneventful. It was only a couple of months ago that I got a job 110 miles away in Athens, GA as a microbiologist. After a few weeks of commuting, I moved up there, signed a lease, signed contracts with utilities and paid deposits. I had no family and no friends, and ended up losing the job within two months. After I was fired, and realizing that I was going to be evicted in a couple of weeks and lose everything, I called my mom for any kind of support. She was angry with me, blamed me, accused me of doing things I did not do (such as being late for work, horsing around, not taking anything seriously). I was losing every battle on every front, and blurted out, "well, I'll just throw myself off of the balcony!" She responded with, "we'll have funeral bills to pay then!"
I locked myself in my apartment for a week, didn't eat anything, didn't answer the phone. I was taking 20-30 painkillers a day, every day, by that point, and was glad to be numb to the world. I quickly ran out, and started going through withdrawal. Since I couldn't get a refill, I turned to a full bottle of xanax... took 100 2mg bars, 100 tylenol, drank an entire bottle of whiskey, and said goodbye to the world. I have no memory of anything that happened after that, but lost consciousness, and was barely breathing. Knowing my past history of suicidal gestures, and not being able to reach me by phone, my parents had called the police and filed a missing persons report. They happened to show up soon after my overdose and hauled me to the emergency room where I had to be intubated, as I was not breathing on my own. An EKG revealed my heart was not functioning regularly-I had a "delayed QT response," which meant I was in danger of cardiac arrest. They had to administer mucomyst for my liver because the enzymes were dangerously high, and even talked of possibly having to give me a liver transplant. THey put tubes down my nose to pump charcoal in... it was all very dramatic, apparently. I was in the ICU for a week. When I came-to, I found myself in full restraints, and was told that I had become so belligerent I had to be sedated.
And yes, antidepressants can cause psychosis, especially when they are mixed with xanax (particularly prozac and xanax)... there are well-documented cases xanax/prozac-induced psychosis. I have learned that the hard way, too. On one occasion, my mother told me I sat on the floor in my bedroom and starting spraypainting a manilla envelope with gold spraypaint. I didn't put anything on the floor to protect the carpet, either. When she asked what the hell I was doing, I calmly informed her that I was "decorating." I then hung the enevelope on the clothesline; there's still a square on my floor from the incident. I have no memory of it. I also start rearranging things in weird ways, and then never remember it... like putting a bunch of collectible glasses in the cupboard with the drinking ones... and then confronting my mom later about why she'd go and do such a thing. It's a bizzare feeling.
I exhibited NONE of this behaviour before I became hopelessly heartbroken. I don't know if it's just a coincidence, or if my sanity was broken as well.
Mrntprfct, your post meant a lot to me...especially your initial post on another thread. BTW, howdy to a neighbor down south in FLA... hot enough for ya? ;)
So, you think your parents are so terrible? My mother was having an affair with my stepfather practically right after I was born. Was never told that my abusive stepfather was my real father. After completing grad school, I was shaving and then I looked in the mirror and noticed how I didn't look like ANYONE in my family. Then all of a sudden certain life events began clicking in my mind. I discovered that my father wasn't my real father, and everyone else including my half-brothers knew most of my life! Took me 20 years to find my bio father, a clinical psychologist, and a real jerk. In any event, I wrote my mother and step-father a 2-line letter just informing them that I had met my bio father (was in my 40s). Well, they not only disowned me, but insisted that I pay them for raising me...I wound up signing over my house to them because of all the death THREATS from them:-( Now I have NO family, not to mention the fact of my recent divorce and son turning against me.
It's extremely hot in FLA. Been here for many years and never could get use to theat, particularly in the summer.
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't recommend the Tylenol approach. Is the gun thing better?
Before you act on your feelings, consider visiting the Suicide Crisis Center here at ivillage at: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcrisis
There are many women there who have similar feelings, and they may be able to help.
Also try these hotlines: 1-800-784-2433 and 1-800-273-8255. They're available 24/7.
Speaking as someone who lost someone I loved very much to suicide, it's really a lousy solution because it leaves you completely without options and wrecks the lives of those left behind. You CAN do better, and your life can turn around. Give yourself a chance to experience a better life.
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