Teacher/Student Fling-Grieving for years

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Teacher/Student Fling-Grieving for years
15
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 5:57pm

I couldn't find my message after I posted it, and am trying again. Sorry if this gets double posted! :(

I don't believe I can tell this story without mentioning my history, so I'm sorry if I end up writing a quasi-novel. I believe I mentioned my situaiton on these boards under a different ID a couple of years ago, and was told I had a "very active imagination." The thread was deleted after harsh criticisms from another user appeared. Nothing much has changed since then.

I'm 24 years old with a bachelor's in biology and psychology from the University of Georgia, so you'd think I'd know what to make of my circumstances... but I'm just as confused and agonized as ever.

During almost the entirety of high school and half of college, I dated David. We were to marry upon graduation, and although we went to different colleges, I made the 70ish mile drive to see him every weekend, and occasionally during the week.

While David had left his dorm one morning to set up meterological instruments around Atlanta for a research project, I decided to check my email. As I disabled the screensaver on his computer, I was greeted with a giant, full-window view of the online personals site, Match.com. I was instantly upset, believing that he was using it to meet other women "on the side." As I read his profile, three words caught my eye: "Male seeking Male." I burst out into laughter, because I assumed it was a typo. I thought I was exacting revenge on him by changing parts of his profile to sound unabashedly "gay."

When he returned, I confronted him, and thought I could get more information out of him by saying that he'd better tell me everything he's been doing, or I'd leave him on the spot. I was expecting "Oh, I met a girl online," or something to that effect. So, imagine my bewilderment when my significant other of 5 years tearfully uttered "I think I might be gay."

Upon hearing that, I sprinted to my car and drove back to UGA, and never saw him again, although we did talk several times through instant messaging... the conversations were never pleasant, because I'd either be reacting, full of spite, to his confessions of realizing his homosexualtiy three years before I found out, or mixed feelings of pain and disgust at hearing of his many sexual rendezvous with other men in the area.

Having been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and depression at 15, I found myself with no friends, no one to talk to, and no support network. I always got so nervous around people, even with medication, that I often avoided it at all costs.

So, instead of talking to anyone in "meatspace," I reached out to all of my online buddies in "cyberspace," as it is the only social venue I feel remotely comfortable in. I even emailed a teacher at my college, "Brian," having found his email address on an old syllabus. I didn't talk of David at all. I disguised my need to reach out to him in asking which professor he recommended for the follow-up course to his class.

After a few emails (he had a yahoo account, and yahoo messenger services as well), we began chatting in real-time online through yahoo messenger. Brian and I played Yahoo Games online, pool and their version of scrabble, also while chatting, into the wee hours of the night. At some point, we agreed to go see a movie, and set a "date." I was 20 years old. Now, because of my severe social anxiety, I panicked right before he arrived, and took a week's worth of my tranquilizing medication, klonopin (in the same family as Valium and Xanax). It proved to be too much, because I have no memory of the movie, going to the movie, or returning to my apartment. I only vaguely remember the two of us sitting on my bed and watching a Leno segment. We fumbled through some old papers from his class, chatted, and suddenly, I became aware of us sitting rather closely.

At this point, I was still recovering from my generous dosaging of klonopin...which reacts in the body similarly to alcohol, although it does not alter cognition. I'm not certain how physical contact was initiated, but I believe we decided to arm-wrestle (as a lame excuse to touch eachother), and I ended up sitting on top of him as he lay recumbent on my bed. One thing led to another, and you know how that goes...

Subsequently, the relationship took a bizzare, reverse progression. Typically, one would meet someone, begin talking, dating, kissing, and eventually...sexing. As our "thing" (I don't know if it even qualifies as a relationship) progressed, we became less intimate, and it seemed to have more to do with his resolve than mine, as I *really* liked this guy. I remember on the last "date," I reached over to kiss him, and he turned his head so that the kiss landed on his cheek. The next time we talked online, he kept gave me the "you're a really nice person, but we're very different" routine. He also apologized "if gave a different impression." He said he was glad that we could still be friends because he enjoyed spending time with me, that perhaps in time he could verbalize what he meant by saying we were different, and said "or perhaps I spoke too soon."

Despite what he said, he began to cut off all contact with me. He stopped returning my emails, would sign off of his messenger service whenever I signed on. I finally received a short email stating that he had changed his mind, and that he didn't think we should be friends anymore. A week later, he moved to Atlanta to teach.

I'd never been so hurt. On top of David's coming-out fiasco, the wounds from "Brian" seemed to cut especially deep. And despite feeling like "Brian" had ripped my heart to shreds, I idolized him. Although he didn't know me well, I had watched him flawlessly teach three times a week for a semester, seemingly brilliant and all-knowing, and I suppose, was fooled into believing him a friend.

I was so devestated by this blow, that I sunk into a deep depression. I stopped attending class and my grades suffered; I stopped going to work, and was fired. A week later, I took the rest of the Klonopin I had, and ended up being hospitalized for a week.

I never returned to my "usual self." I began abusing benzodiazepines, painkillers, and alcohol. I got so upset, and had nowhere to direct my pain, so I began cutting myself when it seemed intolerable. I was to be hospitalized 7 more times for overdosing, cutting, and drug abuse. Eventually, I was diagnosed with full-blown Borderline Personality Disorder, which includes self-injurious behavior, repeated suicide attempts, black and white thinking, intense but stormy relationships, emotional disregulation, and severe problems with impulse-control. I'm currently taking anti-psychotic, mood-regulating, anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety medications. I can barely function anymore.

I've had other relationships since "Brian," but have always held him in the back of my mind. It's been 4 years since our "fling" occured, and I have neither layed eyes on him nor have had contact with him. My feelings have remained unchageable, however. Recently, some new pictures of him surfaced on the internet...he's gained weight, and lost all of his hair. I was, at first, tickled, hoping it was some cosmic/karmic revenge for having rejected me. But I soon realized I had never based my feelings on his looks, and would take him back in a microsecond were he to ask... and just sunk back into depression.

I realize the obvious: he doesn't like me, he never has, he has no interest in me, I shouldn't have had sex with him so soon.

What I don't understand, is why my feelings remain so strong four years after-the-fact. Usually when I develop an infatuation with a person, it fades upon losing contact. I'm convinced I would die for "Brian."

Avery Phoenix

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 11:24am

run290,


Your post concerns me very much because it seems you're considering suicide as an option to ending the pain you're experiencing.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 8:35am

Hi run290,


I'm very concerned because your post mentions ending your life, I strongly encourage you to use the resource numbers that Sandra has posted below, and that I'll repost in this message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 8:38am

Hi averyphoenix,


Your post has me very concerned, do you have someone in real life that you can talk to that can help you work through your feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 9:57am
I hate to say this but, I have and it doesn't really help. It's not their fault. There's no one who can really help me. If I want to live, I know I have to do the work. It's just I feel so desolate at times, I can't get over the despair. Life is so harsh and cruel for everyone and there are just a few fleeting moments of joy to try to hang on to. It's just like, is all the pain worth those few moments when they come to a horrible end? Sorry to be so negative, but I am being honest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 10:00am
I'm so sorry that you found calling the counselors wasn't helpful.

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