With tears and a broken heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2005
With tears and a broken heart
32
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 10:02am
The title of this discussion is what I signed off an email to him with. I am so very sad right now. I feel different levels of sadness from time to time, from having a really hard time to being in pain with tears rolling down my face (like right now) to feeling merely wistful :( Whichever form it's in the sadness is constant. It'll be alleviated sometimes if a friend makes me laugh, but I feel sad again immediately after. It's Tuesday morning, and I left on Friday afternoon, so the breakup is very new and fresh. It also doesn't help that I sent him an email last night saying that it was a comfort for me just to be emailing him, to have indirect communication with him, I also wrote in the email that if it made him uncomfortable he should tell me and I wouldn't email him anymore, and he replied and in BOLD TYPE (I just read it a few hours ago) asked me to please not email him anymore, also that he changed his mind about packing my things for me, and that he was going to change the locks, and there's only one day when I can come get my things. WAAAAAAAAH! I'm in a crappy little room until the end of the month, after that I don't know, I've had to ask my dad to help me get a cell phone, I haven't had to ask my dad for cash for almost two years, I'm also going to the pawn shop for the first time in a while :( and everybody (except for the one friend I told about our problems) thinks we were doing really really good, with mutual respect and the whole nine. Wwe were engaged, I still wore the ring (on my right hand) until this morning, it's in my pocket now. I still loove him and he still loves me. But he's not asking me back, and this breakup is final. Please, any responses would be greatly appreciated! I work graveyard shifts and I get incredibly lonely, depressed and sad. The internet hepls me stay sane, and makes me fel supported. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 11:48pm

Hopefully, by the time you read the remainder of the postings, you will have some feeling of closure, when you talk to him. The problem, is finding closure is not going to come from him, it has to come within, yourself. You see us, women, are emotional creatures, and were able to express ourselves, and talk about our feelings openly, and with no problems. Men are sometimes not built like that, and us women, need to accept that, and allow the men to deal with there feelings and emotions the way they want. We can't force them to talk to us, or make them tell us, why? They have to be ready, and when there ready, they will express themselves. Whatever you do, don't force the issue, and make him feel pressure. It is not a good thing, and it would make the conversation hard on him. I know your hurting, and the pain is unbearable sometimes. But take it from me, I never thought, the day would come, when my heart would stop hurting. I was in so much emotional pain, I didn't know what too do. When reading your posting, I could feel and remember those times when your typing your words, and the tears just streamed down your face. It brought back alot of memories. But today, I no longer feel that intense pain, I just remember. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I remember the pain, and I can feel it, but it fades away quickly. If you haven't learned anything from these posting, is that, everyone here, has experienced some type of heartache. But the one thing I learned from these posting, is that, TIME HEALS YOUR WOUNDS!!!!!!!!! I never thought the day would come, when I wouldn't feel that intense pain in my heart. It has happened, and you know what helped me survived, besides these postings, and my friends. The Lord, and his son Jesus Christ. I won't get religious, but praying, and asked God to help me heal my broken heart and soul, because I didn't know how to do it. I needed help, and no posting, or conversation with my friends, could take the place of praying, and allowing God to hear me. These postings and my good friends, did help alot, because you need someone to hear you and let that pain out, but just silently praying everynight, and during the day, was the key for me. You don't have to do it, but you can at least try it. It will help, and that is guaranteed!!!
You will get thru this, I know it seems like you will never feel normal, and the pain will never go away, but it will, take it from me, since I just went thru 7 mos of soul searching, and heartache. I learned alot from my relationship, and during your time alone, and hurting, evaluate yourself, and start a journal. That helped me as well. I sometimes like to read my journals, and see how much progress I've made. I'm being honest, when I say, I'm still in recovery, and I still think of my "ex", and I still have the urge to call, but you know what, after all I've been thru to get him out of my system, I tell myself, it's ok to think of him, and have those urges to call. They are normal feelings, and that person was in my life. Once you allow a person to enter your life, they are a part of you. That part will always be there, but in different capacities.
My "ex" is no longer in my life, but he played a big role in the woman I am today. I want to thank him, but I won't. It's no longer in my hands, God is dealing it for me. Trust in God, he will handle all your worries.

Take care, and one more thing, you can never mend your heart, if you remain friends or have contact. Those are key components in healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 11:37am

(I apologize for not posting sooner. I have been so busy at work and this is the only place I have internet services).

Blondie, I took ALL of your advice with regards to speaking with him on Thursday evening. The first thing out of my mouth was "I do not want you to think I am going to try to persuade you to stay with me and I want to thank you for coming over and just allowing me to get some sort of closure so I can move on". Chit Chat for about 20-25 minutes and then I told him I appreciated the offer of trying to remain friends but that there was no way I could just be his friend since we had just been in a relationship for 7 months and I still had very strong feelings for him.

Well, he called Thursday when I had been home from work for 5 minutes. Looked at the caller ID and the number didn't register so I went on and picked it up. He asked me if I was going to be home for a little while and I said yes so he said he was going to run on over. (MAJOR shock because I HONESTLY did not think he would call let alone come over to mY house which is a 25-30 minute drive). We talked for almost an hour and he kept telling me it wasn't me it was him that he JUST DID NOT WANT A GF at this time. That he had never been married, engaged or made any kind of major commitment in his life. I NEVER cried (surprised at that one) or got angry. I did however raise my voice once when he "misunderstood" what I had typed in the response to his e-mail that he sent me to "break-up". Well, as he was leaving we hugged and kissed each other on the cheek. He called my cell phone on Sunday while I was at church but didn't leave a message so I didn't return his call. I came to work yesterday morning and guess what...an e-mail from him. I responded about 3 hours later. Then he responded again before he left work with some chit chat and then told me to have a great evening. I've been awake since 3:00 this morning thinking about him and missing his evening and morning calls. I never gave in to picking up the phone. Come to work this morning and ANOTHER e-mail from him. My friends are telling me it is "killing him" cause I have left him alone and not called him or tried to get in touch with him. I went out all weekend. Spent A LOT of time with my friends and got out and enjoyed nature this weekend. So, my question is to you all......WHY is he trying to get in touch with me now?????

So what would you all do? I have accepted the facts that he doesn't want a GF or me as his GF at this time. I have started the closure process and left him alone.
I still love him VERY much and as bad as I want him back in my life I just can't do it. (I don't even know if that is why he is calling and e-amiling)...my friends say he is trying to keep his pinky toe in....you all know how these men are. I do not think I can trust him with my heart again. He promised over and over when we first starting seeing one another that he would NEVER break my heart and would treat me better than anyone else ever had that I had dated.

Out of the 7 months we were together, 5 were GREAT. The last 2 were not. I wish I would have known about this site back then. I wanted to get some space/distance for a little while cause things in our relationship just didn't seem right and I was starting to feel unhappy. (He and I NEVER, EVER fussed or fought...I just didn't like the same routine every weekend the same things. What he wanted to do and NEVER what I wanted to do) When I finally found the site I was questioning why he never made love with me anymore, even when I would try to initiate it. Going from 3-4 times a week for 4.5 months to the last 1.5 months we were together was 1-2 every other week and then it dropped to 1 time in 3 weeks. I felt in my heart and in my mind...something wasn't right. And, all the articles and literature out there about this issue...heed the advice. One reasoning was "it really may be you". And it was me, he had been contemplating the break-up since June 5th and finally did it on July 11th. In that amount of time we only made love 2 times. I thought maybe it was his age and he was having issues with LL, but he didn't really want to be on an intimate level with me anymore.

So, if anyone has any advice....PLEASE let me know!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 8:28pm
oh sweetie-
i know how you feel and it hurts so much i know. my boyfriend and i just ended our relationship on thursday night (my story is on the board under needing support)
so i am feeling the sting really bad right now too. i don't really even know what to say except you are NOT alone you will not feel this way forever and things will get better- this is what people keep telling me, and i know it is hard for me to believe right now too- i also e-mailed my boyfriend and he didn't even have the respect to write me back at all. i know how bad you are hurting and i am truely sorry. i feel so lost too. the only thing to do is share how you feel, know that this is a place where you will get support, and just keep telling yourself that yes you will heal.
take care
~ash
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 8:42pm

He's keeping in touch because HE is ok with keeping in touch with you...HE made the decision to end it, so he's fine. He isn't taking into account that YOU are not fine with the contact...so it's up to YOU to look out for yourself, and cut off contact.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 2:02am

Heyneyoweh,

I loved reading your post. Why? BC it let me know that you are closer to greatness. Why?
BC you are in your mourning stages, this post may be too late, but I hope you have gotten better.
Let me tell you something. It is good that you cry and are angry and that you get your hurt out. If you dont cry and get it all out, the doctors will be cutting it out of you later. Yes emotions can manifest in the physical later in life. Go ahead, and cry.. it is good.
You remind me of when I was hurting. I found out that only man I wanted to be with was marrying someone that I knew could never compare to me. She will never be half of the woman that I am today, heck she will never be an eigth of the woman I was when I was born!! LOL!!!
Anyway. since you didnt put any details about your situation on the post, I will encourage you to the best of my ability.
I am first glad that you emailed him, or at least communicated your feelings to him. You had the last word basically. I probably wouldnt have done it over email. I did mine face to face. I was not looking for a reconciliation of anything. I just wanted him to know how I felt, and that was that. Even though I felt I was dying on the inside. I did not want to let him go. He was mine, and now he is about to be someone else's.
You are the bigger person first of all, you stood up to him and you let him know what was up. Good for you. You are healing now.
Focus on the fact that God has a better man for you. He put you in this situation to learn and to toughen up and to prepare you for the next big thing, and he is preparing your future man in the same way. We cant be with good man ,and be weak! You have to hurt, you have to cry, we need tough experiences to help us grow and develop into the next stage of our lives. God wants all of us to be great!!!

Dont ever settle. And dont dwell on the bad or the email response he gave you. You said what you had to say, and all he said was dont email me again...?? OK Leave it at that..become greater than you have ever been....I have a personal thing that I do, since you talked about the engagement ring. I have this medium sized plastic box with a top I keep in the closet and it is filled with EVERYTHING that my past bf have ever gave me..well just the cards, letters, ticket stubs, jewelry and all that...(not the tedddy bears-they r too big) I keep that stuff in the box in the closet...Why? BC when I get married to the REAL man that can handle this REAL woman, after the ceremony, I am going to burn it all!!! Just me and my husband... a little goodbye to all the mess, lessons and tears....I have kept that box since i was 15 (well at least the letters and stuff, the shoe box was tearing)I am nine years older, and it is funny to go back to the box and look at that stuff, and be like, I use to cry over him?!! EW!!! He wrote that to me??! OOH I cant believe I talked to that jerk!!!

Get out a piece of paper and write his name at the top, draw a line down the middle on the left list all the good traits about HIM (not the relationship) on the right, the bad traits about him. You may be surprised.
Then on a new sheet of paper, write down what you need then want in a man....fold it up, and pray over that and evernight. In the mornin and throughout your day say, "God, I know you have the man for me out there for me, send him to me"...dont stress the mess heyneyoweh...we women need to be strong for our real strong men!!! God is preparing you for him...believe it and recieve it!!!

blessed12005

PS I love giving advice, if you or anyone else wants some advice email me at blessedsingleone2005@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 2:03am
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2005
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 12:19pm
Hi, I think the best way to help your situation is to take control and to do that, you have to remain strong. Clearly he doesn't want it right now and you can't give him the satisfaction of knowing you do. Turn the hurt into anger and the anger into action. Don't sit at home, go do something. Don't talk to him, and if he tries to talk to you, tell him you are BUSY or IGNORE it. Don't even email him or respond to what he sends, block them if you can. Once you get to being angry, you will realize that he's not worth your time, energy or tears. But YOU are the only one who can control how YOU feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 12:31pm

Wow, Ladies add me to the list, this story sounds so familiar. My bf dumped me 13 days ago, because after 7 years he wants to be single, he doesn't want a gf, and wants to answer to no-one. We have had no contact at all since then. I think about him day and night, and I want to call, text, email but I am not going to. I know how hard this is for you, I know all about your pain and I know what it's like to be awake at 3am.
I don't know about keeping contact with your ex. Some of the replies I was reading are so right. How can you be freinds with some-one that you had a relationship with, and were intimate with?? It does prolong the pain and I know if it was me, I would always be looking for some sliver of hope that he wants me back.
Time and distance, give yourself some. It doesn't help to drive yourself crazy wondering what you did, why he left, or how you could have done things differently. Just remember, you did nothing wrong except love him. Men don't like talking about the relationship, and you might not ever know. Try to accept that and move away. Tell yourself you are worth so much more. You deserve to be happy and some other man will love you more. This is his loss. It will be interesting to see how many of us go back to the men that dumped us?? I know I am not going to be one of them THIS time.

I hope you feel better and back to your old self soon, hugs to you, and remember you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 11:57pm
How old are you and how old was he... maybe you were both at different times and places in your life?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 4:23pm
Last week was the second full week since me and my BF split. Second weekend I spent going out with my friends. I did "okay" and didn't cry any. Well, I come into work on Monday morning and there's an e-mail from him. Small talk...but still. "Checking to see if my car was starting okay". I didn't respond to it. Another one this morning and I responded to it "like a dummy"....He told me if I wanted him to help me with some things...he'd do them. I missed him like crazy on Sunday. We used to spend the entire day together after I got out of church. Then he'd stay that night and go to work from my house on Monday mornings. I find myself that I am missing him the most when we used to spend the weekends together and now I am spending the time alone or with my girl friends. I would just like to get inside his head and see what is going on. Sunday-Tuesday were ROUGH this week. I relived and thought of EVERY conversation we had ever had. Especially the ones of him telling me "I was the best thing that had happened to him in a very long time", "Why couldn't we have met years sooner?" and my favorite "Your the best I've ever had". Still remember and play back in my mind the night he held my head, kissed me and told me he'd never break my heart. For me to place that much trust in someone by giving them my heart.......I really thought he was being genuine. How can a man just turn their feelings off for their lover of 7-8 months and "just want to be friends?". He told me the night he came over and we had the "closure talk" that it was HIM not ME....but I have never been or felt SO REJECTED in my entire life. I continue to question myself on what did I do wrong and what could I have done differently that wouldn't have made him make such a drastic decision in our relationship. I have not seen him AT ALL since 7/14. I don't even know what I would say if I did see him somewhere. He came by my house last week and dropped some things off but I wasn't at home. If anyone out there has any advice for how I can mend my heart sooner.......PLEASE let me know. I've cried Sunday-Tuesday and it has taken EVERYTHING I have to not pick up the phone and call him.