With tears and a broken heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2005
With tears and a broken heart
32
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 10:02am
The title of this discussion is what I signed off an email to him with. I am so very sad right now. I feel different levels of sadness from time to time, from having a really hard time to being in pain with tears rolling down my face (like right now) to feeling merely wistful :( Whichever form it's in the sadness is constant. It'll be alleviated sometimes if a friend makes me laugh, but I feel sad again immediately after. It's Tuesday morning, and I left on Friday afternoon, so the breakup is very new and fresh. It also doesn't help that I sent him an email last night saying that it was a comfort for me just to be emailing him, to have indirect communication with him, I also wrote in the email that if it made him uncomfortable he should tell me and I wouldn't email him anymore, and he replied and in BOLD TYPE (I just read it a few hours ago) asked me to please not email him anymore, also that he changed his mind about packing my things for me, and that he was going to change the locks, and there's only one day when I can come get my things. WAAAAAAAAH! I'm in a crappy little room until the end of the month, after that I don't know, I've had to ask my dad to help me get a cell phone, I haven't had to ask my dad for cash for almost two years, I'm also going to the pawn shop for the first time in a while :( and everybody (except for the one friend I told about our problems) thinks we were doing really really good, with mutual respect and the whole nine. Wwe were engaged, I still wore the ring (on my right hand) until this morning, it's in my pocket now. I still loove him and he still loves me. But he's not asking me back, and this breakup is final. Please, any responses would be greatly appreciated! I work graveyard shifts and I get incredibly lonely, depressed and sad. The internet hepls me stay sane, and makes me fel supported. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 4:59pm

Aww hugs to you!! You are doing great thru all of this even though you feel like you are barely getting by some days. All I can suggest is pray pray pray, take it all to Him and pray for guidance and strength. Sweetie, right now you can't do anything else but work on acceptance. He isn't going to change his mind right now, and your understanding it isn't going to change anything either. You don't have to like his decision or agree with it or even pretend to be ok with the fact that he decided to end things. You can cry and get angry and vent, and then cry some more. But it will get better!! Hold on to the fact that you Will get through this, and there is something or someone else out there for you!! Keep praying, and ask for peace, and your tears will stop soon!

Hugs
Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 11:45pm
Wow! That is such great advice...everything you said was so true. It is so selfish to expect to be friends. I was with a guy for 2 years, we found out he was bipolar after the first year and things were definitely more difficult after that, but we had our good times and I supported him all the way. We decided to stay friends after we broke up a couple months ago but were still technically together, he called me constantly, always wanted to come over and said "he missed holding me and still loved me so much" barf...within 7 days of that statement he told me on one of our daily phone calls that he had a new girlfriend he just met a week before (at a mood disorder treatment program), and a week later his friend told me they were thinking about moving out of state together ( he has 2 kids, she has 3 and just got divorced 2 months ago, I have no kids) Its just such a mess, I feel totally betrayed as this all happened in the past month. I did everything for him, since he wasn't working towards the end. Anyway, the point is, you have to be strong, count on friends and family for support, and get through the pain. People like my ex and his new gf use new relationships to help them through the natural human emotions that we all have to go through: grief, loss, and anger. Going through these feelings is hard work, but I firmly believe it makes you a stronger person who will be capable of having a healthier relationship when the time is RIGHT. We are all going to get through this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:05pm
How come some days are so easy and others so hard. I woke up at 2 this morning thinking of my EX. That put me in a "mood" for the entire day. I get to work and he sent another e-mail. I chatted back and then told him I missed talking to him and that I missed him. That if he wanted to call me this evening.....I'd really like to talk with him. BIGGEST mistake I could have ever made. He didn't even respond to it. Oh well, I guess I'll see if he calls tonight. I just wish I could get over him so much faster. I have prayed and prayed to GOD above to heal my heart and to help me move ahead. I'm in good shape for a few days....then I crumble. How did you get over your ex so easy??????
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:54pm
Oh sweetie, "easy?????" It was far from easy, and I made all the mistakes and wrong moves that you can make in a breakup! Mine was dragged out for over a year because I kept in contact, and took crumbs from him, kept my hopes up, continued to sleep with him, cry over him, pine, you name it, I was soooo sad. I prayed and prayed too, and everytime I would walk away he would call, and it would start all over again. It definitely sucks when you dream about them or wake up with uncontrollable thoughts of them, it's like it stays with you the entire day. Hugs to you!
There will be times You start to break through the sadness and find things to smile about and enjoy some things again, and then sometimes you can be sad over it again and it all comes rushing back. I was overwhelmed sometimes at work and wanted to hear from him and tell him how much I loved him still. I stayed up everynight hoping that would be the night he would show up on my door step like he had done before. For a long time I pretended to be ok, and at home when nobody was around, I would cry and cray and be so mad at God for allowing this. WHy? But I went through that , and stopped asking why, and began to say over and again, Let go and Let God, he has something better for me, I don't know what or who or when, but I believe and have faith. Thats the hardest part, trusting that it will get better.
It is frustrating to try and figure them out. I learned finally that nothing I did would change their mind and make them love me. THAT is acceptance, and it sucks. I felt defeated, like there was something wrong with me, and what does that girl have that I don't? But those thoughts are so negative, it keeps you down. Sometimes you have to force yourself to stop the thoughts and think of something else. I would write in a journal everything I was feeling and close the book and do something to take my mind off of it. At work I would write emails (unsent) to him, sometimes 3 or 4 a day and then they tapered off. I got through it, somehow, wet swollen eyes sometimes, and not very gracefully, but good news is, I did. I wrote my last unsent letter in march and before that was only one in february. I tell you this to show you, that its time that ends up healing all. With some effort, acceptance and no contact. I'm one of those that kept adding and blocking him on IM... and that doesn't help. So one and a half years of loving this man, I have moved on. Now I don't think it would have taken that long, had I paid attention to the wise folks on this message board, but I had to go through it all, and run into the wall several times and fall flat on my face to finally get it. I do wish you healing, and more grace than I had, but know that you will be ok, and so many here care about you. I hope I've helped even the slightest bit!
Try to not talk to him, if you can, if you have told him how you felt, put your heart on the line, then there is nothing else you can do. Don't let him string you along with his confusion. You deserve better than that, and tell him that.
Hugs
Grace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 11:37pm
Listen to her, she is right, and if it takes you longer to get over this guy, then so be it. During the painful ordeal, you will discover things about yourself, and think and think, that your so mentally drained, but the process is a part of the healing, and your learning valuable lessons for the new man in your life. That's right, the "ex" is preparing you for the new man, and you will be a better person the second time around. You need this time by yourself, to heal, and draw closer to God. God is not going to fix things overnight. You have to walk on the hot coals, and cry and feel the pain, until the coals have cooled off. So take this pain, embrace it, and go thru it. It's the only way to heal properly, and you don't want to carry all the pain and baggage to your new man. It would be a disaster, and your back to square one. YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS! I know it doesn't seem like it, but you will. Take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 12:53am

HMMMM, I see some have read my posts.....I love that you all are learning.....

Breaking up is never easy, I know we have all heard that...but it is true. We are women who are emotional and love to care and nuture, this is fine..
LADIES, these relationships that dont last, are tests! God wants us to be STRONG, not weak. We were made to support a man, and be one who he can draw strength from. We are supposed to be his ACE, he strongest support pillar. Now, how can we support our future husbands if we had no tests, trials, quizzes, midterms, and finals??? No education?? How can you pull someone up, if you havent been down?? LADIES, you are going through this so that you can be strong, so that you can have a story to tell to other women and your future husbands!! God is preparing you!! And while you are sitting here and hurting (which is fine, its a process) God is strengthening you, and He is also strengthing your future HUSBANDS!! You may not know who is right now, but you better believe that both of you are battling right now. Your hurting over a loser, and your future husband is hurting over a female loser!! LOL!!! Ladies, you are being tested!! I am sure your future husbands dont want a weak wife!!! Get strong! Get tough!!
I am going to say something else, that I learned from some nasty and painful break ups...Cry....punch a bag, throw some non-breakable things, get it out. Dont hold it in, the doctors may be cutting it out of you later....Dont hold hurt in, by NO means! The Bible says that laughter does good like a medicine...get a movie and laugh!! Go to a comedy show and laugh it all out!!!
Also, something important. I was in a break up situation, that really hurt me, I was sittin here crying, wasnt eating, hurtin really bad. This guy had moved on, hangin with his boys and talking to other chicks. Then it hit me! I am sitting up here crying and not eating and all of this, wasnt going on with my girls, not talking to nobody! THIS GUY WASTN CRYING AND HURTING AND MISSIN NO MEALS OVER ME!!!!
Ladies cry, but dont cry too much, keep eating, and going out with your girls!! Cause I promise you, 99% of the time-- he aint hurting over you!!

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT FOR ALL HEART BROKEN LADIES::
I am going to make all of you do a homework assignment:

1. Go out and buy a 3-ring, college ruled notebook
2. Date and log your feelings and thoughts right when you get in the bed at night (it wont take that long)
3. On a clean sheet of paper in the notebook, title the first line...My future Husband/Man
and write down ALL of the qualities that you want and need in your future man..number them and go down the list.
4. On the next page or pages...title that page your ex boyfriends name and divide that sheet in half (vertically) on the left hand side title the first line Pros....on the right title that Cons... and go to town listing the pros and cons of Bobby or Jimmy..whatever his name is...

Keep logging in your notebook. Why? You will see how much you've grown over time..you will see that you DO and WILL get over your situation..You may also learn that your ex has more cons than pros!!!

Keep praying and seeking God for direction and knowledge ladies.....He is the only one that can heal your broken hearts...

Blessed1

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 1:23am

You know, I did those same exact suggestions and you know what, it helped alot, and it allowed me to evaluate myself and my feelings, and take notice on what I did wrong in the relationship and with my 'ex". I now have 3 full journals, of painful memories, and some happy ones as well. The beginning of the journals, I wrote so much pain, that it's sad when I go back and reflect on those days. The words bring tears to my eyes sometimes, because I was very sad, and an emotional wreck. I still write in my journals, but not as often, and I'm writing less and less about him and the relationship. So I know I'm doing sooo much better than the beginning of it all. It has been a painful journey, and it will be something that will be with me forever. I have a permanent scar on my heart, but the scar is healing, and as of today, it is still mending together, slowly, but the process is something I need to go thru. I want to be a good woman for my new man, and I vow to cleanse my heart and soul of the ex, before I move forward to my new man. He is out there waiting for me, and I can't wait until I meet him, and be able to enjoy him, and of course he will enjoy me. LOL.

You are good with your words, and like you said before, God will mend this heart. He's taking me thru the most life changing experience I've haven't felt in a long time. But it's for my good, I do know that. I still think of the ex, and I miss him, and I just want to know how he's doing, but I can't go back there. It is too painful, but I'm surviving, and I do know, that one day, this will be all over, and all the lessons I've learned will be remarkable.

Continue to post, I like to read your comments. Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 1:57am
Do my homework assignment I posted....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 10:08am
I have, and it does work...................
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 10:17pm

This probably won't be a popular response, but I just can't help but say the following. First and foremost, men are very different from women. I know it's obvious, but it needs to be taken into account when trying to heal. Most men do not hurt from breakups which they initiate. The "it's not you, it's me" is THEE OLDEST line there is...don't buy it. Honey, it's you. Don't get me wrong. I am in NO WAY saying that there is anything wrong with you. I believe that he broke up with you because he is looking or has found someone else. That is the number one reason a man will break up with a woman. If he can find someone better for himself, he's going to. If this really is the case, he will NEVER-EVER admit it. He does not want to be in a situation where he has to deal with you being even more hurt and sad. Men will avoid that type of emotional interaction at any cost. He sees the little white lie ("it's not you, it's me")as the most humane way to break up. It takes the pressure off of him and it helps soften the blow for you.

The absolutely best thing that you can do for yourself is to improve your life. Take this time to work on your body, career, whatever...just work on yourself. Set a realistic goal, outline your plan and spend each day working on meeting your goal. Above all, do NOT call him. If you ever decide to call him, make certain that enough time has passed and you are willing to accept anything you find out about his life.

Good luck! Remember - you should be the most important person in your life...treat yourself well.