That telling moment ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
That telling moment ...
5
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 12:39am

Have you ever had a moment in your relationship where the light bulb comes on for you ...


My BF and I broke up in May - then after 4 of the worst months of my life - started to reconcile in Sept. Started dating and taking it slow, as the reason for the break up he said was that "we were too close" and we were "acting married." After about a month or so, he gave me a key to his place, gave me a movie membership card to the local place and told me that I should just stay over all the time like he used to do at my place. So I did, and then after some stressful things happened in his life a couple weeks ago, he needed "space." Just a weekend he said ... instant panic mode in me because thats how the last break up started out. Well just like I thought a weekend turned into a week, which turned into two, and now I've lost count. He needs to "figure things out."


An issue that I have had is with my self esteem, as shortly after he broke up with me in May after being together two years, he starting hanging out and then sleeping with a girl who was married and apparently also sleeping with other men besides him and her husband at the same time. And he is also now best friends with this girl's old best friend. Some of the issues that have come up since we've been back together is that I get insecure when his friend is around, and very frequently he's acted like I am dumb or silly for being that way, or lets me know in a not so direct way that I need to get over it because he won't keep dealing with me being emotional about it and he's not gonna stop being friends with her. This also included a time that I got upset about all of this and he has her come over to explain their friendship and I had already been crying, she starts crying and he comforts her and not me. And a few times has come to her defense but not mine.


So if all of that wasn't telling enough (I know what ya'll are thinkin!!) during these couple weeks we'd had a part I got a little upset because I was sitting at home doing nothing and his friend was over all the time. So he decided we needed to talk after I got upset about her being over. The next day we talked and he said "I am never going to get married again, and I never want to have anymore kids again." Now these are both things he knows I want, someday not right now but someday, and he is absolutely ruling them out ... not saying "I don't think I'll wanna get married again, or its a possibility I won't wanna have kids again." He said NEVER. NEVER EVER.


At that point, I said to myself that I was gonna be fine no matter what happened and I WILL NOT let him ruin my self esteem again, nor keep me at home. I WILL NOT become a stressful, anxious wreck like I was when he broke up with me the last time. Because I would rather be alone the rest of my life, and have kids by myself, than to be with someone who is DEFINITIVELY RULING OUT TWO THINGS THAT ARE SO IMPORTANT TO ME.


Sometimes I wonder if I hang onto crap relationships that are no good for me, just because I have some deep seeded need to have a man around since my dad wasn't really around, nor a man, in most of my life thus far. I wonder because I wonder if its an issue I need to fix in me so I can make better choices in men next time around ...


But I believe that I am worthy of someone who will love me and want to marry me and want to have kids with me and won't push me away whenever there's a problem and will put me first as the female in his life.

Lisa


Lisa

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 9:11am

Hi, a few things:

1. ....."After about a month or so, he gave me a key to his place, gave me a movie membership card to the local place and told me that I should just stay over all the time like he used to do at my place. So I did,"..... Don't do that in the future, even if it's their idea. Have your own rules and boundaries for how much time you spend together, and especially how quickly. Guys always push for more time together, and then back off because they're the ones feeling smothered. They do this to themselves regularly, so save them the trouble of asking for a break by not getting too comfy too quick. I realize it was your ex, but at that point you were starting over, so it counts as the beginning. Just don't do it.

2. You're upset about the new friend because she not only represents a part of his life that you'd rather not have to deal with, but he also respects her and treats her better than he does you. There's absolutely no reason to get angry about this, but there is major reason to walk away or simply pull back. If he cares, he'll ask what's going on, and if he doesn't, he won't and you'll have your answer, tough as those are.

3. You're right in thinking this comment of his is his way of breaking up again.

4. ....."Sometimes I wonder if I hang onto crap relationships that are no good for me, just because I have some deep seeded need to have a man around since my dad wasn't really around, nor a man, in most of my life thus far. I wonder because I wonder if its an issue I need to fix in me so I can make better choices in men next time around ..."..... Nah, you already know it, and just simply knowing it and acknowledging it will help you to deal with it better next time. All women somehow are looking for a man that reflects their feelings about their father. They may tell themselves that they are looking for someone not like their dad, but in order to do that, they must first compare the guy directly to their father or father figure. So it's not necessarily an "issue you need to fix" it's pretty normal.

5. ....."But I believe that **I am worthy** of someone who will love me and want to marry me and want to have kids with me and won't push me away whenever there's a problem and will put me first as the female in his life."..... This is all the personal tools you need right here. Print it up real nice and pretty, and put it somewhere you'll see it everyday.

Good luck to you, you'll be just fine.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 9:53am

Thanks Sandra for your help and encouragement.


You're right, I shouldn't have stayed over his place like that, I should have set the boundary since we were starting over. I even think I tried to do that but gave into his pushing for it. :| Lesson learned ... but wouldn't have worked out with him anyway since he'd never want to marry me. LOL.


I agree about the issue with his girl friend, not worth getting upset over, but definitely worth not accepting. I absolutely do not have a problem with him being friends with her, and I've even tried to be friends with her myself. But I have a problem with him treating her better than me in many cases, or comforting her because he deems her hurt more important than mine, etc. I think that she tries to take jabs at me (I mean her old friend was the girl that he was messing around with while I wasn't around). She'll take suggestive pics of her and him, that are supposed to be jabs at the old friend but I think she's trying to kill two birds with one stone ... And that he would allow her to do such things that I will end up seeing is just another reason to add to my list of why he's not good to me and I deserve better.


I'm not a bad person, I've NEVER done anything to hurt him, quite the contrary I've probably been too accomodating, but I definitely deserve someone who will put me first and my feelings first and will treat me with love and respect and not as a secondary thought.


Lisa

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 4:00pm

Hi Lisa,


I would say you've had a few 'lightbulb' moments. While they can be painful, they are also very enlightening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 4:38pm

"Sometimes I wonder if I hang onto crap relationships that are no good for me, just because I have some deep seeded need to have a man around since my dad wasn't really around, nor a man, in most of my life thus far."


NOPE! I was in a crappy relationship and still wanted to be with him after some crap and I living the the same house(while not

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 5:07pm

Hey Carrie -


Thanks for your support and enlightenment too. You're right, him comforting her when I was having an issue was also a very telling moment. I think that was one of the first big ones and it kinda took me by surprise that he would do that. And I was a little intoxicated at the time so I think at first I convinced myself that I was overreacting a bit ... but after some serious thought I realized I wasn't. She also made a point of letting me know one time when I called him "My (insert name)." She said um no he's "my (name)." I was thinking um excuse me? He's my boyfriend and I've known him WAY longer than you have. But that was just one of many of the jabs she tried to take at me along the way ... I didn't stoop to her level and have always tried to be her friend. But yeah then when he told me he never wants to get married or have kids, wow.... as my sister said "um thank you for the ginormous waste of time."


Thank you for the reading suggestions. I'm really proud of myself that I'm so calm about all of this when I was such a wreck last time... I just know that as much as I hate dating, I would rather even be by myself than to continue with someone who will rule out those things that are important to me and will treat me so poorly over a friend.


Lisa