Terrible, painful, regrettable contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Terrible, painful, regrettable contact
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 5:39am

My ex and I had contact, the first time for i think about eleven, days, the first time since the break up. HE initiated the contact, it was awful. Quick recap I broke up with my ex in anger one nite (after a week long of his distance and anger at me for no reason), then the next morning we decided to try and work things out, but then he got angry and distant again so I broke up with him again. I know I know, very very immature and stupid but he has done it to me before, I have forgiven him for so much. After a broke up with him the second time he just hung up on me and wouldn't talk to me when I said I didn't mean it, it was in the context of "is this wat you want, you want to break up...fine we're broken up", he knew i didn't mean it and that what we had said earlier in the day (that we wanted to try and work things out) I really meant.

He told me he couldn't take me back and couldn't try to work things about because 1)- I broke up with him (which he has done to me before and which I have forgiven) and 2)- Things were getting too serious, that was why he had been so distant, angry, and that we saw the relationship in two different ways, me serious, him not so. WATEVER THAT MEANS! It feels like a copout, like I gave him an easy way out, i know if he really loved me he would try to work things out and wouldn't let words not meant ruin everything, but at the same time there were reasons that I broke up with him, but the pain of the thought of being without him outweighed any reasons that I wanted to break up once it was done (if that makes sense).

He came online today (though I have deleted him I have not blocked him from my contact list), and asked me how I was...small talk, to which I replied coldly. Then he asked if I had been speaking to an old male friend of mine (who he had jelousy issues with at some points but had worked very hard on them). I felt like he was asking in a sarcastic way, an angry way, like he was angry that I had spoken to my male friend. To this I replied 'why would you care" and then he went off about how this is all my fault and I ruined everything by breaking up with him and that I'm such an immature person because I don't want to be friends and blah blah.

He is so awful, he is so terrible, I don't know why he is trying to torture me but its working. THe whole way through the relationship he always said it was getting too serious, that he wanted to tone it down, he told my friend that was the reason he couldn't continue with the relationship because of the seriousness, yet he is trying to turn it around and make me feel awful, blame me....i'm sure it makes him feel better too.

I know at this stage it doesn't matter who ended it,its over, we both have reasons for it being over and its the right thing for it to be over but he still has to hurt me, he still has to keep telling me i ruined something special etc. I want more than him I do, i can see his faults especially after that, his vindictiveness, i thought he loved me, he knows right now after this that im sitting in my room crying, why does he want that for me, why does he want to make me feel worse.

I cant help it, this is definitely the worst day so far i cant stop, im a mess. I know its right, i know its right but it hurts SO MUCH and I have to see him at uni this week, will this pain ever go away. Even seeing all this i still love him, i still care about him and I KNOW HE DOESNT DESERVE MY LOVE AND CARE.

I am in so much pain, I have been doing so well up to this point. Let this be a lesson, no contact really is the best way. I have now blocked him, promise to not speak to him at uni and just try to pretend he isnt there.

I feel broken. Oh wat a day. Thanks for listening I really needed to get that out. TOday I feel like i never want anybody else ever again.

Sandy




Edited 7/17/2006 5:44 am ET by sandybabos