testosterone bites.. so does breaking up
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 11-07-2005 - 11:27pm |
hey everybody...
as most of you on here im freshly broken up n decided theres no better place to go than cosmo to vent n hopefully find sum consolation...
for any1 whos hurtin n looking for a stupid love-gone-wrong story ... heres the scoop:
***this is the long drawn out version... basically for my own venting purposes... if any1 wants to cut right to the breakup.. its at the bottom :p*** for ppl who really could care less about every last detail of our relationship, skip to the juicy breakup
ive been (well was) with my guy for almost a year.. it would have been a year in two weeks... im 19 and so is he. He was my first serious boyfriend... my first everything... maybe thats why this hurts so much. When we met he was a busboy at a local diner i used to have breakfast at... then one day he asked for my number..When we first started dating i wasnt sure that i was looking for a boyfriend.. but everything just kinda fell into place.. we went out, again and again, had fun, talked all the time, kissed n became a couple... evrything was perfect between us... we were one of those annoying couples that were so damn mushy a guppy could puke.. then a month in he told me he loved me and asked me if i did... i said no, not yet... and that was my answer until 3 months in when i finally felt it and told him that i loved him too. Then he freaked out came to my house n told me he didnt feel it anymore.. the day b4 valentines day. i was completely crushed but knew id get over it... the next day he told me he wanted me back and that he loved me... after 3 days of him begging me to take him back and telling me he made the biggest mistake.. saying he just got insecure because i had been telling him 4 so long that i didnt love him that he felt he couldnt live up to my expectations and that since i had made such a big deal abt waiting to tell him i loved him he got scared.. sumn sumn sumn who knows what... but i took him back because i felt like we still had more to offer eachother and that we could still be happy...it still hurt a bit to think that he did that..but everything after that felt so perfect and we were so in love... whatever the hell "love" is supposed be... it just seemes like we really appreciated eachother after having lost eachother. then at around 6-7 months he asked me to sleep over... but my parents were really not okay with it (we both live at home so i still need to follow the whole "my house my rules" thing... and even then.. its just a matter of respect)... He told me he wanted intimacy... not just to fool around and bring me home... he told me he wanted a real relationship and wanted to hold me all night and wake up next to the one he loved and that eventually he would get tired of having what he felt was an 'imcomplete relationship'... I told him a would but that he needed to understand that my parents werent okay with it, so i needed sum time to try to get them to change their minds... cuz i still had to go home to that the next day... finally after 9 months he said he wanted more from our relationship and that for him spending the night was a big deal and that it was really important to him... so i got into this huge fight with my parents on the phone when i told them i was sleeping over and it caused alot of tension between my parents and I.. then for the next month i slept over almost every week.. then i started university and didnt have as much time to sleep over so i told him to stop asking me to spend the night (he would ask me everyday .. over and over). I wanted him to stop because i felt that when i said no he would be hurt and i didnt want that.. and i also didnt want to feel pressured into spending the night if sometimes i didnt want to.. i could see that it hurt him a bit but he told me he understood and that he'd wait for me to ask. Ideally we would have been able to spend either friday or saturday nights together.. but he works at a club on those nights... so it wasnt an option. anyway i guess i figured he didnt care anymore since he stop asking.. so i never asked to stay.. then 2 months later (2 sundays ago) i was goin to ask him because we had barely seen eachother all week and i really missed him.. but i was goin to ask him on the way home to 'surprise' him or wtv.. i thought it would make him happy.. but he asked me first so i said yes..
***N now 4 the beginning of the breakup***
Then one day (last tuesday) he tells me no matter what hes goin to the gym at night since he hasnt been in a long time (he was a gym fanatic)so on the way home he told me he was gonna b busy writing a paper for the next 2 days.. so we couldnt c eachother.. n i said aw okay.. that sux.. but what ya gonna do... n then he started saying 'well dont u want me to stay?' and im like.. well of course i do but u told me u wanted to go to the gym nomatter what... n then he asked me y i cant ask him to stay.. and told me he feels unwanted... so i told him i obviously wanted him to stay .. but he can make his own choices.. then we were watching tv n i asked him if he really felt unwanted, and he said sometimes yes...So i asked him why, and he said that he feels like he puts so much more effort into the relationship, and that he thinks he loves me more than i love him... and that he always has to fight to c me n i dont give him enough 'quality time' (ie.. sleeping over) and that he feels like he has a part time girlfreind and he wants more from the relationship. So i tell him i do love him.. and that i want this to work... and then he says he feels like i dont care abt him so he says "i love you and i dont".. okay what the hell is that supposed to mean?!?! and then he says... "but right now i love u so much" an im like, me too i want this to work .. and he says "i dont know if it can... i wan a serious relationship and i dont think ur as seriosu abt me" or sumn like that... so he leaves and says "je t'aime ma belle" (hes french so i dont know if we have some kind of communication barrier....but whatever). so the next day i tell him i need to c him.. and im telling him i want it to work and that i love him and i was crying like such a baby.. and he says he loves me too but he cant keep feeling like hes the only one working to make our relationship work... and that he wants a couple of day to think abt it (the same amount of time it took me to take him back the 1st time). So the next day we dont talk but he texts me 'goodnight'. I didnt answer because i was so hurt by the things he had said (that sometimes he didnt know if he loved me) he also said that none of this would have happened if i has asked him to spend the night first cuz then he would "know that i care". ..and then friday.. no call.. saturday no call...(i was gining him the three days he wanted).. but then by sunday i had enough and i thought that some1 who loved me wouldnt put me through this... so i went to his house on sunday afternoon, woke him up, and told him we needed to talk. I told him i wanted a break from this relationship and that we both needed to figure out what we wanted,,.. i said if u love me y are you hurting me like this... and then he said he loves me so much and is his mind he really wants it to work, but he doesnt know if ill ever give him the 'quality time' hes always been asking for. he was crying so much and said hes done so much for the relationship...and i wanted nothing more than to hold him and hug him and tell him everything is okay.. but how can i do that when he cant even tell me if he wants to b with me? then he was begging to let him drive me home when i left... that he didnt want me to walk... but i wouldnt let him cuz since i felt he had been so mean to me ... and he asked me how long i wanted to take a break for.. and i said i dont know.. as long as it take for us to figure out what we want out of eachother. So he told me to call him when i knew what i wanted... n i told him to do the same... I really miss him.. i know it sounds stupid but i feel like theres this huge gap inside me and i really miss him... but every1 is telling me i need to stand my ground and he needs to know that he cant tell me he doesnt know if we can work... and then not call... he cant walk all over me.. and break up with me .. TWICE.. and think thats its okay... i know this seems childish... but its so much more than just "whos gonna call first". breaking up shouldnt b a game... some kinda of a power thing to get the other one to do what u want.. n i feel like thats what hes doin... I still love him and i want this to work.. but i dont know how i cant b with someone who hurts me like this.. and the worst thing is he tells he that im hurting him!! that he feels rejected!! what the f*** is wrong with us! i just want things to be okay i uno if they will be.... i cant belive how much i miss him and it killing me not to hear his voice and feel his lips. i dont even know if he just wants this to work because i told him i wanted a break... man this sucks... i dont know what to do
