Is there any hope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Is there any hope?
4
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 10:17am

Hi -

I've read many messages here before when things with my bf were rocky and it helped. Things got better with my bf and now they're back to being rocky. SO I hope that my posting here will help me figure things out in some way.

I love my boyfriend. We've been going out for about a little more than a year and a half. We're both 24. We've been through a lot. We took a break for a while when he went off to study abroad and when he came back, he said he realized he wanted to be with me and no one else. Fast forward a few months, we're back at figuring out if we should be with each other.

He is the nicest, sweetest, most thoughtful person I've ever met. He's been a great boyfriend and it seems like I'm ruining this for both of us. I have problems from my past that I dont realize come out and make me act badly towards my bf. I realize maybe after a day or after talking with friends that I was wrong in the way I acted. And then I would go to him and apologize. And things would be fine.
Then I did something so stupid. First, I got mad at this: I was coming back to my home after spending 4 days with my family and I wanted to see him. He was sick and he said he wanted to see me but I couldnt stay that long. And what do I do? I get mad at him and wished that he would miss me so much that he'd want me to stay over. I was totally not understanding and not sensitive to his situation. I apologized for that. And then the next day, I get mad at him for not wanting to celebrate his upcoming bday the way I wanted him to.

What is wrong with me???? I apologized for that, but he's just at the point where he's been hurt many times doesnt know if he wants to be in a relationship where I hurt him and then apologize and then do it all over again. I've been trying really hard not to overreact and not to bring my problems of insecurity or control into the relationship. But it seems that its not good enough. And I really dont want him to be in a relationship with me if he sees me as a person who apologizes but doesnt do anything about it. But I do, and I dont think he sees that Ive come a long way in trying to calm down and not overreact. Or maybe he does but its not good enough.

Don't get me wrong, we really have a great relationship other than the fighting. My bf tells me that its hard for him to let go of me because of everything we've been through and all that we've shared together, and that there's so much more to me that he loves besides these random outbursts. I told him that I cant promise I will never overreact but I can promise as I have promised that I will work hard at not being an ass and instead being understanding and accepting.

It kills me how much I miss him. I will be okay with his decision if he decides to break up with me because I think if I was in that situation I wouldnt be with someone who constantly apologizes for things.
His birthday is coming up and he still wants me to celebrate it with him but I dont think that'll be possible if we're in this situation.

What should I do? I don't know how much more I can apologize? I dont know what to do to show him I care about him so much and that I've been and still am trying to be more understanding. And I dont know even if I should still do that cause he may have heard it too often.

He says he's happy with me and then these random unpredicted thinngs happen where I react so differently than he expected and he gets hurt by it and is therefore unhappy at that time.

I dont know what to do!!!!

Thanks for reading this long message. It's my first so , sorry if I rambled. I also don't have many girlfriends to talk to about this, so if you guys can help, I would be so grateful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 10:27am

From the examples that you have given here, it sounds as though you are acting a very controlling manner in this relationship. This is where you have to start changing your actions. The more you try to control him (ie making him do what you want and see you when you want) without regard to how things effect him, then you will push him further away. When these incidents happen, stop yourself before you react. Think through the issue and pinpoint why you are angry. If you find yourself being angry becuase he does not do, act or say what you would want, then you are being controlling. Stop yourself from lashing at at this point and deal with yourself, because this really is your issue and not his.

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 10:40am

Thanks Yoga girl -

You are so right. I can't deny that and blame him. It's totally my problem.
It really has nothing to do with him and I need to take myself out of the situation when I feel like I'm about to overreact.
And I know I can do that because I don't want to lose him because of my stupid habits which I can change.

I realized I do have a control issue. I worry about things constantly and then I feel like if I have some control over it, then situations wont turn out as bad as I imagine. But I've created exactly what I fear by trying to take control of the relationship. I have to realize that trying to control things doesnt help any situation.

But now I'm not sure if it's too late to do anything about it to save our relationship.

I wish there was an easy answer of what I need to do to make it better. :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 1:11pm

Hi r2boston,


Welcome to the board. It think it's a good sign that he still wants to celebrate his birthday with you and I hope that you will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 2:24pm

Thanks so much for your response Cl,

I will go to his birthday with no expectations. Just reading your response made me laugh at myself that I would freak out about him not wanting what I wanted for HIS birthday.

Doesn't that happen to anyone? When you behave in a certain way only to realize after the fact, after people are hurt, that what you did was so stupid but sometimes you just cant help it if your brain or your body reacts in a certain way in certain situations?
That's why I do believe therapy will help me greatly - to pinpoint those exact moments when I react and figure out what triggered my reaction.

Thanks for the suggestions of calming down and really thinking "what's the worst thing that could happen if things dont go my way?" That's key.
I will try to go with the flow, and not try to worry so much and control things.

I guess it is easier said than done, but I just have to try my hardest.