Is there any hope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Is there any hope?
3
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:06pm
Ok this is my first time ever doing something like this but I am feeling so confused right now I don't know what to do! I am currently "seeing" this guy for about 4 months now. We started out just friends, when i met him (at work) I already had a boyfriend and he knew about him (because i told him). Anyway, he would flirt with me daily and I would flirt back but I knew nothing would ever become of it because I was so in to my (then) boyfriend. Well the boyfriend and I eventually broke up and I started getting closer to the new guy (I'll call him Mr. J) we started hanging out, going to dinner, talking a lot on the phone about nothing and ultimately started sleeping together. As time went by, I started to develop feelings for him but he insisted that we just remain friends due to the way that we met. Ok, i was fine with that because I told myself that technically he wasn't really my type anyway. As months went by I didn't see anyone else but him thinking that we would develop a serious relationship, but he would always remind me that he wasn't interested in a relationship with me, that he wanted to take things slow to see how things went. But would also tell me not to let him hold me back from doing whatever I wanted to do! I would let him know how i felt about him but he would never really let on to how he felt about me. This was so frustrating! I know that I am a good woman with a lot to offer and I just don't understand why he doesn't want to commit to an exclusive relationship! Well feeling rejected and unloved, I had a moment of weakness with my ex boyfriend. He had been calling me trying to get back with me to make things work sending flowers to my job etc....but I kept ignoring him because I really wanted things to workout between me and Mr. J. So I foolishly went to dinner with my ex, and actually had a great time! It felt so good to know that someone actually wanted to be with me in a "relationship way" and not just a FRIENDSHIP way and after four glasses of wine, I did the ultimate and slept with him! I really regretted it the next day, but I regretted it even more when Mr. J found out! That really put a damper on our "friendship". He ignored me for awhile, then he said that he couldn't trust me ever again and that I broke his heart! well how could that happen when he never gave me his heart in the first place?! He blatantly told me to my face that he didn't have any feelings for me anymore and he looks at me differently now. It's so hard because I have to see him everyday at work and some days he acts really nice to me and comes over to my desk and acts like he misses me, but most days he is very distant and barely says hello. He still calls me in the evenings but our conversations are mostly short and meaningless. He just asked me to go out tomorrow to a movie but I think it's because he's bored and I'm just familiar and convenient. I fell for him so hard and I don't know how to deal with this. I want to let him go completely because I know I deserve someone that just wants to be with me, but everytime I tell him not to ever talk to me again, I end up right back in square one! Is there any type of hope for this "whatever you want to call it?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:17pm
Hello, It sounds like you are going to have to be the one to set the boundaries here b/c Mr J is not. He sounds like he is all over the board, and you deserve better. And he is playing mindgames - he's your friend with benefits (per his rules) and then you broke his heart?! I would not go out with him - I would try to have a truly platonic work relationship with him and move on. He may have felt jealous (not heartbroken) when you slept with your ex and is reacting to that - you deserve better! You know that you do. And you say he is not your type? It sounds like you are lonely - and pursuing anything with this guy who is not treating you right will only make you more lonely. I would try to spend more time with friends and forget about him! Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:45pm
Thank you so much for that quick response! i was actually hesitant about doing this but I actually feel better. I am really going to try to take your advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 5:34pm
i was in basically the same situation with a few minor details like the way we met and i didnt get with my ex but with another guy i met and trust me its not worth it in the end for you, i ended up convincing myself that i could get this guy to want to be with me in an exclusive relationship and it never happen! he ended up living with me for 6 months and then giving me some bull sh#$ excuse just a couple days ago why he was moving out and making it to be my fault. and on top of that he pretty much got my best friend to stab me in the back. you can try and salvage a friendship with Mr. J but only you know if its even worth a try. he only wants you when he cant have you, like when you got with your ex he saw that maybe you would go back to your ex and then he couldnt have you but when your available he doesnt want you. i know exactly what you feel like even down to the point where you dont know what to call the whole thing! trust me theres no hope in changing this guy and you are just going to get more hurt in the end than he is!