Is there ANYONE who can relate to this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Is there ANYONE who can relate to this?
4
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 10:48am
I had been in an eight year relationship with a 54 year-old man, living 90 miles away, with his mother. He is an ex-minister, who quit the ministry when his wife divorced him ten years ago. At that time he moved in with his mother to get his bills paid. It all made sense, so a relationship began. For the past five years he has spent every weekend and holiday at my home and went back to his mother’s to stay during the week. He bought me a $2000 engagement ring about a year ago and said even when we married he would continue to live during the week with his mother because it was close to his work. There are many people from here that carpool to where he works but he said he could never do that.

His mother is 84 years old and has his dinner ready when he gets home, does his laundry and even buys his underwear. He provides no support for the home, just spends his money on himself and at auctions collecting junk. Seven weeks ago he called me on Thursday night, the night he usually gets here and told me he wanted to come get his things. He said he saw the big picture and it would never work out so he wanted to end it. In just the past year he had painted my whole house, the garage floor, and bought a big screen television. The weekend before he called he had been squeezing me so hard I could barely breathe, telling me how much he loved me.

This man called me on his way to work every single morning for the past eight years. He called as soon as he got home from work, and then before he went to bed. This was relationship where I had met his entire family and saw them countless time and visa versa. How could he do this? And over the phone? I am confused and heartbroken, but I will not call him. He said not to make it harder than it was and I refuse to let him know how much I am hurting. I made a big enough fool out of myself when he told me he wanted to come get his things. I had heard not one word from him although he has driven right past my house to go to Auctions that were down the street. I have heard his mama bought him a big barnwith a small house beside it, in which to keep his junk, 15 miles from my city. Why when he lives 90 miles away with her? This makes no sense to me. I have been through a few breakups and a divorce but this is the strangest thing I have ever heard of.

I am hoping someone can see something here that continues to elude me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 11:51am
Doesn't sound strange to me........

The guy isn't self-aware, self-responsible, self-sufficient, secure and successful.

Basically, he was waiting on you to provide him with all the benefits and options of a relationship - without the obligations and requirements. HE was waiting for YOU to buy him a separate residence whre he didn't have ot live with you and be impacted by you - justcome over and have sex and conversation - then go on about his business. He doesn't "want a relationoship" - he wants companionship and sex. But he lacks financial stability and self-acceptance.

His MOTHER bought him that separate residence - so that he's not impacted by having to live with her, so that he has the facade of "independence and success" - that insures that his alliance is with her and he'll remain at her beck and call.

If you wanted him - you should have placed a bid sooner!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 1:34pm
Well Erin...you seen have to figured him out quite easily. What you say makes complete sense, but it still hurts so much that he could dismiss me so easily. He was also a coward to have ended an engagement and eight year relationship over the phone. I feel in order to have closure I need to face him and tell him what I think, but then would that really help anything? I am afraid I would just start crying and make a fool of myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 4:05pm
Sweetie, I know you're hurt, but there's no point calling him a coward. I think what Erin is trying to tell you is that this guy never had in mind a relationship between two equals committed to sharing a life together. And, honestly, you knew or should have known that YEARS ago. You have to ask yourself why you were okay with this arrangement in the first place, and were even willing to acquiesce to having a part-time husband. Dr. Laura used to say, you can't be mad at a gorilla for eating a banana. This guy wanted to be with you only insofar as it was convenient for him, always prioritized his needs, and was quite lucky to find such a willing doormat (sorry) in you. He hasn't changed, and you never insisted on a normal close, caring, intimate relationship between equals. You told him it was okay to spend the rest of your lives in a part-time relationship, where meeting his needs was the only agenda. No fair now to be angry at him for doing more of what he's always done. Your anger would be better directed at figuring out why you settled for this guy as your idea of Mr. Right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 9:33pm
You are right in that I should have seen how he was years ago and I guess I did really. I let the fact that he had been a minister, who had to resign because his wife divorced him, make me think he was a good person with good character traits.

While he did want to remain with his mother during the week where he was close to his job, I didn't go along with being married and him doing this. I told him that I would never agree to an arrangement like that which is why we were not married last year when he bought the ring. He kept saying it was like we were already married and I kept waiting for him to leave. I had become very frustrated and kept trying to talk to him about it.

I feel like so stupid for not having ended the relationship before he became such a part of my life. I did love him and thought he loved me also. I guess there is no fool like an old fool.