There's nothing I can do now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2004
There's nothing I can do now...
7
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 9:12pm

Hi everyone this is my first time on messageboards but I feel that maybe someone could help me feel better or put things into perspective for me.

Ok my whole situation started in April of this year when I broke it off with my b/f of over a year. I did this just so I could have some time to work on myself after going through a mini depression. I started treating everyone around me like crap and I knew he shouldn't be treated that way if we were together-hence the spilt. Well although it was tough we stayed in close contact as if we were just casually dating....going out maybe once of twice a month. We did this through August and he still had deep feelings for me as I did for him but I didn't want to rush anything so we just stayed friends. At the end of August we both started school and became busy...so busy in fact that he thought I no longer cared and didn't have time for me. We continue to talk and I asked him one day in Oct. to go do something and he lays the whole thing of "I've been seeing someone" on me. Well I burst out in tears from the shear fact that I started developing strong intense feelings for him before he told me this but we never got together to talk about it yet. Anyways after I stop crying I tell him that I love him so much and don't understand how his feelings changed so fast when I was his entire world...He told me that he really likes this girl and anything with me would be a risk. He also said he was numb inside and didn't know his true feelings. The next week he tells me that she loves him and he thinks he loves her (granted a month in the relationship). Going on to this past Sunday....he came over and he was acting really weird and was teary eyed. He wrapped his arms around me and we just sat there embraced on the couch for a long time....when I kissed him and it kinda led to other things. Afterwards he said it felt wrong and that told him that he doesn't have any feelings for me....I think its b/c he cheated on the gf. Anyways he hasnt called, emailed, texted me since. Whats going on......I feel like I am stuck b/c I am head over heels in love with him like I was when we first started going out and there's nothing I can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 10:13pm

You are going to have to heal your heart on this one.... you were just friends, never had a conversation about seeing other people, until he sprang it on you, never talked about getting back together and you never talked about being exclusive again, right? Now you have to grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.

I'm going to make some comments about your post, breaking them down, as nicely as possible, just food for thought....

::Ok my whole situation started in April of this year when I broke it off with my b/f of over a year. I did this just so I could have some time to work on myself after going through a mini depression. I started treating everyone around me like crap and I knew he shouldn't be treated that way if we were together-hence the spilt.

I've never understood the 'breaking up' to go through something on your own...I mean if you are in a relationship, that is long-term, then the two of you should work through it together and offer each other support. A change in location or a change in status doesn't usually make things better.

::Well although it was tough we stayed in close contact as if we were just casually dating....going out maybe once of twice a month.

Casually dating, but no one said, this means we can see other people?

::We did this through August and he still had deep feelings for me as I did for him but I didn't want to rush anything so we just stayed friends.

So he had no clue how you felt and you didn't care to enlighten him, you hid your true feeling for him because you were afraid to rush into anything? So basically, he felt hurt/rejected and didn't talk about it either, is my guess.

::At the end of August we both started school and became busy...so busy in fact that he thought I no longer cared and didn't have time for me.

Either of you put a priority on the relationship at this point, and since he had deep feelings, but felt rejected, he probably started meeting other people at school and started dating and didn't tell you about it.

::We continue to talk and I asked him one day in Oct. to go do something and he lays the whole thing of "I've been seeing someone" on me. Well I burst out in tears from the shear fact that I started developing strong intense feelings for him before he told me this but we never got together to talk about it yet. Anyways after I stop crying I tell him that I love him so much and don't understand how his feelings changed so fast when I was his entire world...

It wasn't a change so fast - it was slowing down, being an item, to casual dating, to you wanting to take it slow and not rush, to being busy with school, meeting others, feeling the rush of romance with someone else.

::He told me that he really likes this girl and anything with me would be a risk.

I think he's right to worry about the risk with you.

::He also said he was numb inside and didn't know his true feelings.

So now he's conflicted when you express your love, something he's been waiting for, but it didn't happen before he got involved with someone else.

:: Going on to this past Sunday....he came over and he was acting really weird and was teary eyed. He wrapped his arms around me and we just sat there embraced on the couch for a long time....when I kissed him and it kinda led to other things. Afterwards he said it felt wrong and that told him that he doesn't have any feelings for me....I think its b/c he cheated on the gf.

That could very well be....he's feeling guilty for cheating on her. And he should.

::Anyways he hasnt called, emailed, texted me since. Whats going on......

He's made his choice.

::I feel like I am stuck b/c I am head over heels in love with him like I was when we first started going out and there's nothing I can do.

Sorry you have to go through this. I wish you all the best on your healing path.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 11:09am
I know this hurts....but it sounds like he really does care for his gf and that he's trying to distance himself from you so you don't have a repeat of Sunday night. I know it's hard but you need to accept the fact that he's found someone else and loves her and try your best to move on. THe longer you give in to the temptation the longer it's going to take to get over him. I think it's best if you do cut off contact with him until you're over him....and you need to not have sex with him anymore as that probably only gives you false hope and confuses you more and it isn't going to make him come back. I know this seems hard but I think it's the only way you're going to be able to move on. Just stay busy and come post as often as you need to. Good luck!!











Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 3:54pm
Thanks for your input....your right on many of the things you said. We both never said anything about our feelings during the summer until after it was too late. I am just wondering if he is trying to convince himself that he's over everything by going out with her or if he really doesn't care about me anymore. Either way I am not handling it at this point. I don't know how to get through it. I feel like I caused all of this and now I am being punished.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 3:58pm
Thanks for letting me know what you think. I guess I am thinking he's pouring himself into this girl b/c he doesn't want to deal with getting over me. Maybe he is over me....I don't know. I just thought I was more to him than that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 11:24pm
I think at one time you were much much more to him but when you moved out and were trying to deal with your issues that he probably took it to mean you were no longer interested and that's why you wouldn't come home and so he moved on. It's sad and I'm sorry you're going through this....but you'll make it and we're here to help. Good luck and stay strong!!











Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 10:57am


It seems that you were kinda going off the idea of having him as your partner, months ago. you have both been busy building separate lives, and surely you didn't think this situation could last forever.

So he has met someone new, someone he wants to spend time with, and yes, has feelings for. I am sure he does feel extremely confussed, and does still have feelings for you, but the reality is, would you have felt like you had fallen for him all over again if he had not met someone else?

It is common to want something more, when it seems to be moving away from us.

Let him go, remember the good times you had, but let yourself move on, recognise this as a lesson. Then hopefully the next person you meet, you won't always be too busy to see.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh, good luck...

Debbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 4:55pm
I understand where your coming from but I truly felt these intense feelings before I knew he was with someone. After hearing that news however I couldn't deal with it b/c in my heart I feel like he's making a mistake. Anyways thats life and mine sucks