they have found him a wife
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they have found him a wife
| Mon, 08-20-2007 - 11:30pm |
I work abroad and tend to be in mid term contracts (6 -9 months) I have been in a lot of short term relationships that have ended before I have wanted them to. 5 months ago while working abroad I met a wonderful man who is from Guinea in Africa and he is muslim I am Canadian of Haitian descent. We truly love each other, in July I left East Europe where we both were working to take a another job. We are in different time zones but I still hope our relationship would work and eventually we would find employment in the same area. My boyfriend is Muslim and he told me that in his culture his parents choose a wife of the same faith and same culture. In July he told me he would not go against his parents wishes when that time came, but since then we continued to speak to each other and to be totally involved in each others lives. On Saturday he told me his family had found someone and if were to move Canada his family would send the future wife there. I am devastated and despite his sadness he will not defy his parents as he is the eldest of the family and must set an example and he fears that if he went against this decision he would regret in the future. I am completely devastated, living in new place, and he is my rock. I am not in country where I can go out to distract myself. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to let go and I would like to make plans to see him again. I am at a lost of what to do can hardly concentrate on work or get through the evenings without crying...can anyone offer me some advice?

I think it's pretty clear. He's indirectly broken up with you.
Look at it this way. I am roman catholic. I remember last year, I was asked out by a good friend of mine who also happened to be Muslim. We had a lot of fun together as friends. Technically as two people, we'd have been pretty compatible. Except his religion and his mother. His mother was insanely religious. She would disown him if he married outside of his religion. So I turned him down and it was hard.
The long and short of it is that you learned a hard but valuable lesson here...different religions are a ticking time bomb, no matter how much you love each other, unless both parties are willing to compromise. He's stated in no unclear terms that he is not going to risk being offending his family to marry you. It's harsh, but he's clearly put you in your place in his life, and it's not first.
I don't really have an answer for 'how' to let go. You find your own way to let go. Try no contact. Seek closure perhaps by telling him that if he seriously considers this arranged marriage, your relationship is over and see what he says. And LISTEN to what he says, instead of being muddled up in his "i miss you and love you, but it wont' work out". No matter how much he's hurting or missing you right now, he's not taking the necessary step of standing up to his family so the two of you can be together.
cheers
Susanna
hmm..I am dating a guy that is Muslim too and prety religious at that. Not gonna give any background, it's irrelevant but there is one thing that could relate to your situation. Even though he met my parents and spent time with them I haven't met his. They do live somewhat far away but regardless, it might be because they ar very religious people.
My question to you is: are you religious? Would you maybe be willing to convert to Islam if need be? Is it something you discussed with him at all?
When I think about it I can't believe that the religious affiliation can present such a problem but in all honesty people are different as well as their perception on what is important. I don't know...
This one is really tough..wish I had some words of wisdom but converting is the only solution I see here. However, even if it came to that, would his parents still want to be the one to choose his wife?