Think I am ending things since it's getting complicated and not going anywhere...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2002
Think I am ending things since it's getting complicated and not going anywhere...?
6
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 2:06am

As me & him have quite a lot of common friends, there are not many people I could talk to about my recent relationship problem, so I thought of writing here... 
Between, as I'm not a native English speaker, please bare with my bad English Embarassed (I'm from Hong Kong)

I met him at a friend's party 3 months ago and we were quite interested in each others. I'm 28 and he's 30. Some of my friends were his classmates and they've known each others for over 10 years. Thought we were both single and available from the beginning...  I got out of a short term relationship a year ago. And he said that he got out of a long term relationship for 2 years, found out it wasn't the case a few days ago. 

Our workplaces are just 2 blocks away, so we've started seeing each others at lunch hour / after work like 2-3 days a week since we met. Things might have gone too fast and too far on the first 2 weeks, it was just out of control - it turned into some kind of friends with benefits relationship after one drunk night and we kept on like this. We still met once or twice a week. Guess both of us weren't sure if we wanted a relationship, trying to keep the atmosphere casual and friendly, we've never initiated any conversations about where we stand.  

So we went on so casually for almost 3 months (we didn't date any other people in these 3 months). I started questioning myself if that is what I really wanted.

So... what exactly happened a few days ago:

He suddenly texted me that he was not in the mood to be intimate with me a week ago, and asked if I could just hang out as a good friend. I went out, asked what's been happening and he said he has to be honest with me. He got out of a 3.5 years relationship half a year ago, it was a domestic relationship, his ex was 7 years older than him and she has a 13 years old kid with her ex-husband. His ex left him as she was looking for a mature man to get married and take care of her, so she had betrayed him for an older man and broke up with him. She's recently broke up with the older man and back in touch with "my guy", begging him to get back into a relationship with her.  

He said he was 100% sure about rejecting his ex, but he just felt bad because his ex was consistantly crying and begging every one or two days. He looked quite depressed when I met him, and I felt like I had to leave him alone and let him be on his own for some time after this meeting. He said sorry to me about not being able to treat me as a date (more than friends) today and hope he could get back into good mood and date me soon. He even asked if I wanted to hang out the day after the meeting for movies and dinner again. I declined and said it might not be appropriate, maybe he should just take a rest at home and figure things out. 

So I texted him at late night, after the meeting, telling him how I thought about our "relationship". I told him that I actually liked him a lot, but things started off awkwardlly as a friends with benefits like thing, I didn't want to ruin things or give up the chances to see him, so I avoided to have "the talk" with him to clarify where we stand. I also wrote him that I couldn't just be a plantonic friend when he wasn't in the mood, and I couldn't just switch back to his "date / so called girl friend" when his mood is back. I asked him to take care and let's chat again if he would still like to see me.


I didn't get any reply, not even a word from him and it's been 4 days. 
Things should be officially ended.

Guess there's nothing more I can do? All I can do is to move on.. right? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014

Hi, I think he feels bad for his ex, it seems her hardship plays heavy on his mind. It could be he still has feelings for her he is hiding or he could be attracted to the comfort they shared. Now he is second guessing himself and why she really wants him. That is a lot to work through. 

Your message to him gave him a clear understanding that you didn't want to be half in. I read into it that you wanted him to figure out a direction and let you know. You left him an opening for contact. I am not sure what kind of response you were looking for, perhaps you wanted confirmation he was more firmly attached to you.  

I feel he is trying to figure out where he truly stand with his ex and will see where that goes, before he ever contacts you again. I wouldn't hold my breath that he is coming back, comfort has a lot of pull sometimes. 

Walk away knowing you did the right thing and if you are meant to have him in life, he will come back into yours and you can start off on better footings. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You did have a FWB situation, and there was never any discussion of a REAL relationship.  Just because neither of you saw anyone else during that time (or YOU saw no one else......you aren't sure about him or what he did) doesn't mean it was a real relationship.  Three months isn't even long enough to be a real relationship.  You said yourself it was too fast.  You did the right thing, if he feels so sorry for the ex that he has no time for you, then he's still hung up on her, and anything you get from him will mean that you're his second choice.  The fact that he lied to you in the beginning says a lot about his true nature.  He said what he thought he had to......and it worked.  Had he told you the truth, you probably would have known it was too soon to be involved with him.  First he lied, then he went running back to the ex.........so if I were you, I wouldn't even invited him to "talk" to me.......i'd be done with him.  The only reason he feels he has to "console" his ex is because he still has feelings for her.  You know that.  Find a man that's not still attached to an ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014

Maybe you didn't get a reply because he didn't get the text.  I love texting but certain things should be said face to face so the feelings are conveyed appropriately.  Once you have this discussion, then you can figure out what is best.  Just friends or more than friends.  

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  We here are mostly Americans.  We may not compleatly understand exactly your feelings.  But  much is universal.  I have had FWB.  I can say having someone leave for a better deal then when that fails come back to you is very difficult to handle.  He is most likely very confused and upset.    

   It is for you to plan out what you want for your life.  Having a lover can be wonderful.  Having a FWB that drains you or keeps you trapped is not healthy or good.  In America we have other dates while having a FWB.  It is not supposed to be exclusive.   Now if you wish for a exclusive relationship, then that is what you can pursue.  If you have decided to end this relationship then may i suggest dating for fun and pleasure, but not as a relationship.   It takes time to regain equlibrium.  

   

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2002

Thanks all for your advice! So, I still haven't heard from him, and I am def not hoping for that anymore. 

I realized that I've forgotten to mention the most important information, was that.. it was my birthday 2 days before I last met him, and we went on a very long discussion on how to celebrate my birthday when we meet. I was extremely happy and looking forward to the date, and all in a sudden, he told me about "not being in the mood because his ex kept begging him, blahblahblah and made him so annoyed about everything".

So he didn't even say happy birthday to me when we last met, and he switched me to platonic friend mode and I became a listener to his incident with his ex. It led to jealousy, disappointment... I just couldn't tell how bad I felt. I should have just mentioned it when I posted my first message here. His ex started bothering him at least 2 weeks ago. And he was still in the mood to talk about my celebration when his ex was bothering him just a few days before. Everything he told me just didn't make sense to me. So it led to the bad drunk text. I was so confused.

It was probably not just a FWB thing in these 3 months. It didn't matter anymore. I just felt deep into the "relationship" and got myself hurt anyway. He's introduced me to many of his non common friends. When his friends called, he told them that he was hanging out with Emily (me). And he brought me to his friends' gatherings. Everyone asked if I was doing good with him... and he didn't try hard to clarify that we were just friends, I kept having the chance to hang out with his friends and there was so much illusion. I thought I was really in a "relationship". 

Afterall, I don't think I could beat his ex, I'm getting my way out of the situation and hoped them for the best. I'm kinda sure that she knew about us since she knew so many of his friends also, and they are still in touch. She spent so much effort, trying to win my guy back, it probably proved that she won the race since she caught all of his attention now, to the extent that he blew off my celebration. You are right, he wouldn't even bother if he doesn't care about his ex anymore. Yes, after one week, I started to believe that he still has feelings for his ex. 

I liked him so badly... but I just knew that I've tried my best already. If he really liked me, he would pursue no matter how bad my drunk text was. Maybe he's just not that into me and decided to walk away with whatever reasons. I should just wish him all the best with his ex.... 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

What would a decent man who was really into you do? He wouldn't communicate with an ex. He would say, "I'm in a relationship now, so it's not appropriate for me to be speaking with you. Don't contact me again." His behavior shows that he's just not that into you and that his ex has a part of his heart. If it were me, If he did end up calling me again, I'd tell him not to call me again. I would never want to be with someone who could so easily put me on the backburner when his past comes calling. If you're talking about being in a competitive race with another woman for him, you really don't value yourself. You're the prize. Always remember that. A man has to be worthy of you and treat you like the special woman you are, to stay in your life. Make this your new mantra and you'll make a lot better decisions about who to cut out of your life and who to allow in your life. Good luck.