Think it might happen, again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Think it might happen, again
8
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 9:58pm

I just started seeing my ex about a month ago, and now we're on a break. I asked him on Thursday for him to please give me more consideration when the weekend is coming, because while I respect that he has to study for finals (first-year law student), I need to be able to go about my life. He feels like this is a fundamental problem in our relationship, because then he feels like it's all on his terms. I tried to explain to him that it's not really, but that it's actually giving me consideration that I have a life and won't string me along until the weekend to find out that he has to catch up or feels like he needs to focus on school. At first he said that he can't do it, and tried to break up. I said that I wanted to work this out, and I think he was able to do it. I asked him what he thought would happen when he came back to me after five months. He said he wanted to make me his first priority, but has realized he just can't make that shift. I think that it would be ridiculous for him to put me before law school. While I would hope that we have a long future together, it's not practical for him to risk his future for our relationship. Also, I think it would cause a lot more trouble if he let school slip, so that he could spend time with me. He asked for some time to think. I asked how long, and he said a day or so. I said I would give him a week, because I am busy and going away this week. He agreed to meet next Sunday. He genuinely thanked me for giving him this time, and I told him that I while it's been difficult letting him back in, that I have had an amazing time with him and that I'm happy he came back, and said, "Well, I don't want this to be goodbye, so I'll see you later." He chuckled a little, and said see ya.

I'm just worried that it's not going to be good news on Sunday. He's notorious for overthinking everything, making things much bigger than they are. This is also his first relationship, which I think is why he thinks that the only solution is to break up if there is any conflict (we only had one other conflict, which was the last time he broke up with me). I told him that this time, I want to have a part in what happens to 'us'. I can't let him just decide that it can't be worked out.

I know that I can't keep him in a relationship against his will, but I know he put a lot of thought into coming back to me. He had very high expectations of himself, and I think we can work things out. I told him that we need to work for things for the big payoff. So, for now, we have to work through this hard time while he's dealing with the stress of finals, and then he'll be on break and we'll be able to have fun again. The first three weeks that we were together were great, and made me so so happy, and he as well.

Does anybody (Sandra, are you out there :-)) have anything to say? Should I expect to be with someone who puts me before everything (even school or career)? Am I naive to think that I can convince him to work it out? My friend suggested that I send an email just reiterating what the issue is, so that it doesn't get morphed through the week. He has already confused the problem, thinking that I wanted more time, when all I want is for him to tell me when he knows he can't see me so that I can do other things.

I can't give up for this reason, and I feel like the last time I just assumed that he didn't love me anymore, but the fact that he came back makes me think he just doesn't know how relationships work (can I say that his family has a pattern of running when things aren't easy?!?!). I know he cares about me, and I care about him a lot. I can't believe I'm feeling this again.

Thanks for listening. I could really use some advise!
k

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Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:29am

Ok, truthfully, I saw another post of yours on another board about the timing again and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 12:39pm

Thanks! I think the most important thing here is that I'm not looking for a 'boyfriend', I want to work this out with him. It's hard to sort through it all, because the people who are close to me are telling me that it's not unreasonable what I'm asking. The hardest is my mother. She keeps telling me over and over to not "put my life on hold" for him, and I tell her over and over that I haven't. I have a full schedule (actually, I'm work in technology and a grad student :-) ), with work, school, and social life. That was one of the things I did after we broke up the last time, is to fulfil the parts of my life that I saw myself wanting him to compensate for (I like to have a full schedule, and he likes to go with the flow, even if that means doing nothing...which surely doesn't happen these days!). Unfortunately, I let myself obsess on seeing each other once a week, and why can't he just do once a week. I know that I'm still vulnerable from the breakup, and want to be strong and not get blind-sided again. Of course, forcing a breakup is not what I want. This is so challenging, especially when my ego gets in the way. I know I have some things to work on here.

So, should I wait for Sunday to talk to him about this, or send him an email saying that I've thought about it and came to realize that I can't expect him to project his weekends. I told him I would give him a week to think/focus on school, so I don't want to interfere and at the same time, I don't want him to be totally in the dark about my 'revelation' when we talk next.

P.S. Is there a Sandra D. Action figure I can put in my pocket and when I need guidance pull a string and get some advice? :-P Are you this clear in your relationships, or is it easier to help when you're on the outside?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 5:23pm

Ego does get in the way, I hear you completely.


You know, in a perfect world, no it's not unreasonable what you are asking, but that would mean that not only would your world be perfect, but everyone in it, including your boyfriend, and he's not.

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Registered: 10-09-2006
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 7:55pm

Update - We talked last night, and it turns out he was just really busy (duh!). I'm not sure I am capable of being a 'law school widow'. It is really stressful (maybe worse than actual law school, lol). I hope things start to get better now. We had a nice talk about the last night. I guess I made a promise that I couldn't really keep (about giving him time--although I did it, it was driving me crazy), but he was really appreciative of the consideration I gave him and we are going to get through this. I think I need to work on my self-esteem a bit, so that I don't panic everytime we have an argument and he threatens to break up with me. He even told me that he sometimes needs someone to tell him that he's being a crazy a**hole and to get it together. Sounds good to me :-)

**************
Well, I didn't call him. I really went in circles about whether I should interrupt the time that I had given him or not, and I thought it wasn't a good idea. I wanted to show that I respected his time. I sent an email to him this afternoon saying what I wanted to say--basically apologizing for letting this get blown out of proportion and that I understand that I can't insist on trying to fit his schedule into mine, and said I would call him later this week. I have to say that as this time goes on, it really doesn't seem realistic that this is going to work out. I guess I'm idealistic, but I would have hoped that even if he didn't think it could work out that he would have said so. He was thanking me last week for giving him time to focus on school, and I thought the conversation ended on a good (as possible) note. I didn't think he was going to just never call me again--I asked if he would call me on Sunday, and he said yes. Funny, since I've been on this board for the past seven months, and read how guys do that all the time. I have all the wonderful emotions that I had back in October, except I haven't cried yet. I guess I am still holding out hope. I guess now I won't expect to speak to him until I call him. My brother said that if he doesn't call me, that I should just not call, and assume that that's that. Did I manage to sabotage this single-handedly? Am I stupid to expect people to do what they say, as little as call someone, even if it's to deliver bad news. I wish I could just cry!!!




Edited 4/23/2007 9:40 am ET by krismae2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 12:22am

Well, it did happen this time...

He had finals over the past couple weeks, and I have (at least as I thought) patient and understanding. I did at one point ask him if he wanted to have lunch last week, which he turned down. Didn't dwell on it. We talked a few times at night after he got home from the library, but he seemed distant. I kept the contact up to him for the most part. Well, this afternoon I left him a message that I would like to take him out for a congratulatory drink after his last final. We hadn't seen each other in two weeks, so I thought it would be a nice way to celebrate. Well, he called me tonight on his way to meet the other students for a drink, and said that he didn't want me to come. I said that I was disappointed, because I wanted to celebrate with him. He said he would call tomorrow, but I said that I wasn't going to be around tomorrow night because I have plans. Then he drops the whole, "I don't really know how I feel about this relationship anymore, and I just want to be with the people I just went through this with." I asked, "What is that supposed to mean?!" and he responds, "I certainly didn't want to have THAT conversation right now." Well, that's convenient. He doesn't want to bring himself down. Then I just went off..."I'm a young, attractive, successful, intelligent woman who has been trustworthy and understanding to you. I have commiserated with you over your long hours and now that the hard part is over, you are going to drop that on me. By the way, I have my last final in a week, so thanks for the consideration." He didn't say anything. I said, "I have done nothing wrong, so this is all in your head." Nothing. "Have your fun." Click (me hanging up). I just don't think it was ever going to work out. I was having doubts about his ability to be in a relationship, plus I think he is seriously depressed. He sucked everything that I was willing to give, and then p1ssed on me. At least I can say I don't regret it. I also know that the reasons the relationship went to hell was not because of me. I only wish I had done this a little earlier, so I hadn't started to feel like a doormat. I just didn't want to jump the gun, but now I know that I want to be with someone that is open to sharing the good with the bad. He has issues to work out.

I am obviously still reeling, so I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this in the morning. The good thing is since we haven't been seeing each other much due to his schedule, I don't think it will be as hard to get over. None of the lonely mornings or weekends. My best friend had a baby recently, so I have a little guy to keep me occupied :-) Anyway, that's been my experience. I may be on here tomorrow in a different mood, but for right now I know it is the right thing to do. I don't want that succubus in my life anymore!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 3:48pm


Don't expect a call. If he was really interested, he would call.

I went on a first date with a woman last week and, I thought the date did not go well at all and I thought she felt the same way, but then, at the end of the date, she gives me a kiss and says she will call me and we can do something over the weekend.

It was like, roll reversal or something. Here I am, feeling that it didn't go well, so I am not going to kiss her and say, I'll call you, because, I do not want to give her any false hope. Instead, she does it. I knew she wouldn't call, and even if she did, I wouldn't answer the phone.

If he was really into you, he would have called. Sorry to be so blunt.

The BEST thing you can do it respect his wishes and don't contact him.
I haven't contacted my ex-girlfriend at all for at least a month and I am keeping it that way. I figure, either we are done for good or she will start to wonder why I am not trying to cling to her.

Best of luck.

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 4:57pm

hey ~ i really feel for you, but you have to let him go, and do not contact him. this is a difficult time, but you will get through it. don't contact him any more and get through it with your pride intact.

i went through law school, i watched what it does to relationships, the way people treat each other, the very "high school" way the socializing is during it. my marriage ended during law school. i watched other marriages end, i watched people cheat on each other, hook up, and on and on. it's a pressure cooker, and people deal with it in their own ways. you see the best and wort of everyone around you.

if you want to chat, send me an email sometime. otherwise, i wish you the best, but i really think you should concentrate on just YOU now, and let the relationship with him go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 12:33am

I'm so sorry it happened this way, but I think you handled yourself beautifully and with authority. :)

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