Thinking...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thinking...
2
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 12:38am

I've been pretty busy lately--it's almost the end of the school year for me and I'm getting ready to go home for the summer. I've been thinking about how sad I am to be leaving (even though I'm coming back in four months!), and how many great friends/memories I've made this past year. And I thought of my ex, and I realized that he wasn't a part of any of it. We broke up last May (so before I came back for my second year of college) and he isn't a part of my life anymore. What happened between us was so long ago...and all the memories I have of it, both good and bad, have pretty much faded.

I posted not that long ago about how he contacted me recently and we actually talked for the first time in months. It went well and I wouldn't be that surprised if I heard from him again...but it also hit me that I don't care. I don't care if we don't talk again, I don't care if we do. That part of my life is SO over with. I've changed so much since then...I've learned and grown, and I've made it through as a stronger and (hopefully!) better person.

If someone asked me to list off my friends now, my ex definitely wouldn't be included. I don't have any recent memories with him...I don't know him now, and I don't care to. It took me awhile, but I FINALLY realized that there's no going back--you can only move forward in life. I think this was so difficult for me to grasp because I wanted so badly for things to be different. I wanted to be with him; I wanted to be the person HE wanted to be with. I wanted to be everything for him, and I felt guilty, disappointed, bitter, jealous, etc when it turned out that I wasn't. It seemed totally unfair to me.

Towards the end of our breakup, my ex and I fought like crazy...neither of us were happy with the situation we were in. We didn't trust or respect each other...yet neither of us knew how to let go. We didn't know how to admit that we were wrong for each other in pretty much every way. I think deep down, we both realized that things weren't going to work out...but it was so hard to admit or accept that. And I think that neither of us could bear the thought of someone else eventually replacing the other person's role as a significant other...I didn't want him with anyone else even though I knew we weren't happy together. What hurt the most was thinking about what was going to happen AFTER our breakup, instead of the actual breakup itself.

I felt like a failure when we broke up; I couldn't understand why, despite everything, I couldn't fix things between us. I wanted to set things right; I desperately wanted to be THAT person for my ex. It killed me to think that somebody else could fulfill the role that I couldn't...I didn't understand how he could go from loving me to not wanting me in his life at all. I felt extremely defeated. I took it very personally...especially when my ex met someone else. Even though it was fairly obvious that I wasn't able to make him happy, I didn't think anyone else could, or should be able to, either. So I held on and tried to convince both him and myself otherwise. I tried to make him see that we must be right for each other, even though I realized inside that it shouldn't have to be so difficult. I also blamed my ex a lot...I kept telling myself that he was a jerk, that it was HIS loss, etc.

A lot of it was due to my insecurities. Luckily, as time has passed and I have worked through some of these, I have accepted that when it came down to it, we weren't right for each other. And I've learned that just because I didn't make my ex happy doesn't mean that I'm a failure. It doesn't mean that I can't make somebody else happy...and more importantly, it doesn't mean that I can't make MYSELF happy. I've learned not to take it so personally when somebody doesn't want to be with me, or like me, etc. I like myself now and that's what really matters.

When we talked, my ex told me that he is thinking of getting engaged soon. At first the news stung a bit...I thought to myself, "Why does his new girlfriend make him happy when I didn't?" Then I realized I was just being silly and reminded myself that we just aren't a good match. We aren't even great as friends...and if we HAD stayed together somehow, I know I would have been unhappy with myself. I think I've reached the point where I can say that I hope my ex IS happy and honestly meant it. I don't blame him, or myself anymore. We both contributed to our breakup and in the end, it was the best and healthiest thing to happen to either of us. It was the RIGHT thing...

I'll end with a few of my favorite quotes :)

"Letting go is being thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, made you strong. It's about all that you have, all that you had, all that you will soon gain. It's having the courage to accept change, to keep moving. It isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It's not about pride, or blocking memories. No feelings of regret or anger. Letting go is not giving up...it's accepting, learning, and growing up."

"Maybe some people just aren’t meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through. It’s like some people just come through our lives to bring us something: a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn, and that’s why they’re here... you’ll have that gift forever."

"Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution."

"Of course you're gonna get your heart broken. And it isn't just gonna happen once, but a lot. That's just part of growing up, and it makes you stronger. Then you can handle the pain even better the next time. You may not get through it yourself, but your friends will help you to do it. And you'll be a stronger person because of it. Then, one day, someone will come along, and it will all pay off, and no one will ever break your heart again."

"Some people are just not meant to be in your life no matter how much you want them to be."

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 3:29am

kcl,

i dont know if you remember or not .. but we exchanged many posts last summer... i remember your story, and us exchanging experiences and advice... i even remember us exchanging quotes!

tonight, i want to thank you for your post. reading it - made me travel a bit back ... because what i also remember about last year when i was exchanging messages with you - was how i was so weak yet strong at that time. i remember that point in my life when i was not ony dealing with my breakup with my (now again) ex - but with my own personal issues of, as you described - "insecurities," "jealousy," "problems with letting go," "feeling defeated," etc.

so, i thank you for your post because i suddenly remembered how i once moved on from this ex - and can, and will again. even though my reaction/feelings about this breakup is different from last year - i still have faith that i will be OK. i did once...and if youve come to be soooo strong - im sure i can find that within myself as well!

im glad to see that youve come a long way since last year - i can definately see your growth! im very proud of you, and wish you the best in all your endeavours.

right now, i feel a sense of sadness at how my ex and i have lost each other once more. i feel a sense of uncomfortableness (if thats a word!) - because i have this gut wrenching feeling that this breakup just isnt right. but at the same time, i realize that a breakup it is - and that is what i will face head on. above all though, right now i feel empowered by my realization of my strength through not only your example but a brief flashback of my own! and for THAT - i thank you...

back to my gruelling studying ... :)

cheers -
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 1:23pm

Of course I remember you!

I've read some of your more recent posts, and I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing a breakup again. I can tell how much pain you've been in, and my heart goes out to you...

But you know it gets better...you even said so yourself! :) And I'm so glad that my post helped you to remember that. You'll be okay...in fact, you'll be GREAT--if you let yourself be. Nobody has control over the way you feel except for YOU. In time, you'll move on from this too...

Breakups are sad, but they aren't the end of the world...even though many people convince themselves otherwise--especially at the beginning. But you and I are both living proof that life goes on, and that it DOES get better with time. Who knows, hopefully in time you will realize that your breakup was for the best...I know I did :)

Be strong. I wish you the best in everything...and good luck with all the studying!