thinking...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
thinking...
5
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:00am
Thanks to everyone for all of your advice...I'm so glad I discovered this discussion board. I think it's awesome how caring and supportive everyone is. I know we all have good friends and family to help us deal, but it's been really nice having support from others going through the same thing. I love that we can all relate to one another so well.

Soon it'll be two whole weeks of NC (well on my part at least)...whoooooooo! :) I really am proud of myself. I've never gone this long without trying to contact him, and I've certainly never ignored any of his attempts before. Sometimes it sucks because I miss and still care/worry about him...but it feels so good to be in control of myself again. I feel like I'm slowly gaining control of the situation as well. Before, it was always my ex who had the power. He's probably confused that I haven't responded, maybe pissed off, or who knows? Maybe he's ready to give up too...but I know that even if I never hear from him again, I'll be alright :)

I've thought about him and his new girlfriend and how jealous I've been...and I hate it. Jealousy is probably the worst feeling in the world...it makes you hate yourself. I'm so tired of being jealous and bitter...and I'm slowly starting to realize that there's no reason to be. Even if she is getting all the good stuff out of him now, I had it for awhile myself. And of course she could be receiving all the negative stuff about him as well...or maybe not. Maybe SHE is "the one" for him...because it's certainly not me. I've come to accept that fact...we will never be together again. If I had been the one for him, it would have worked out...I'm a firm believer in that.

I don't regret knowing him...I don't regret what we once had. I truly learned a lot about myself, about people, about life in general. And even though there were bad times, even though I'm going through this horrible pain right now...there were good times as well. I don't regret any of the good memories I made with him; I just have to make sure I don't let them hold me back. He taught me how to love...he helped show me what I'm capable of feeling, and for that I am grateful to him. He may or may not have deserved it, but either way...I learned.

He used to tell me that I was so good at caring...that it was what he loved most about me. He said that I always managed to make him feel special and cared about. And you know what? He's right...I am good at it...and someday, I'm going to make someone else very happy. Sometimes I get the impression that he misses it...that even though he has a new girlfriend, he knows that there's still something missing, something different. I like to tell myself that perhaps that is the reason why he still bothers to contact me at times....no, I'm not trying to give myself false hope--I know we won't get back together, and I really don't think he cares about me at all anymore. But I truly think he misses the way I made him feel...because he knows that nobody will ever be able to make him feel that exact, specific way again. His new girlfriend may make him happy and feel cared about/loved in her own way...but it won't be the same. The way that an individual loves is so special and unique...it can't ever just be replaced.

Maybe that's why getting over exes is so hard...even if you meet someone new and wonderful, I don't think there's a way of ever truly forgetting them. You may, and you WILL get over them...but you'll always remember the way they made you feel. You may feel better about someone else's love in the future...but it will be a new love, a new feeling. That's why I hate it when people compare their exes to their new love interest(s). It isn't fair...

Part of our problem is that we want to be everything to the one we love. In a way it's good because we try so hard, and we give of ourselves in ways that are essential to loving. But we have to remember and understand that just because we aren't everything to one person, we could be everything to another. A lot of people feel like failures because they get dumped, or rejected by someone that they love...but that doesn't mean that you are any less deserving of being everything to another person.

Many people probably won't find their "one." I used to believe that my one was my ex...in fact, that's what we called each other. But I've begun to realize that if we truly were each other's ones, then we wouldn't have ended. There's no such thing as the one who got away...maybe I'm naive, or just a firm believer in fate/destiny, etc...but I think if you are lucky enough to find the one, you will be with them forever.

Sorry this was so long...just some random thoughts. Good luck to everyone...keep your chins up--in time, we'll pull on through :) We may have our weak moments/bad days...but don't forget all the good ones (past, present, AND future).

"Always remember to forget the things that make you sad, but never forget to remember the things that make you happy..."

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kcl19310
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:38am
Congratulations on maintaining your NC kcl. I've been on the this board for as long as you've been struggling with it (11 days now), so I've seen you walk the long hard road to accepting that it's over and realizing that contact only makes you hurt more. Keep up the good work. I'm right behind you.

I stopped texting and emailing my ex on Monday. As of Tuesday he hasn't heard anything from me, so this is my third day of NC. I know from prior breakups that NC really does work and that in time the pain does lessen and then disappear completely.

But you're right about each person's loving being unique. And there are some things about my ex that I'll never ever forget. He touched me in a way that no one else ever will, and I think that's why it's so hard to give him up in my heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:01pm
Thank you for the post kcl. I agree with you, the love we all shared with our ex's is unique. It comforts me to know that my ex will feel the same. Nobody will ever love him the same way I did. We had something special, that will be in our memories forever, and nothing can change that.

It sounds like you are making great progress - good for you! I have had a few days like that, it gives me hope that this hell will end soon.

Stay positive and thank you again for sharing your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:36pm
Congratulations to you on the NC as well...you should be really proud of yourself! Maybe it's just me, but the feeling I get from remaining strong is SO much better compared to the way I've felt when we've actually had contact. Even though it's nice to know that he hasn't been able to forget me either, I don't feel any joy when receiving a random txt or IM of his. His attempts to contact me simply confuse me now. And man, is it fun to ignore him! Haha, I probably sound mean...but I love the fact that it's probably driving him crazy.

I just feel so much better now that I'm getting my pride back...I'm slowly learning that I need to take care of myself before I can be there for others--even when it comes to someone that I've loved so much. The weird thing is, I can feel my love for him fading...I still think of him, and still care...but the love I once felt is dying down. In a way that makes me sad...because I LOVED being in love. But I'm relieved because it's very difficult for me to care about someone I know could care less. For some people, believing that someone doesn't care makes things harder...especially since you usually want what you can't have. But I've found that it's been a lot easier to get over him since I've accepted that he really, truly, doesn't care. And I'm not going to give myself or let him give me false hope anymore.

My ex was right about one thing--there will be some things I will never forget about him. But over time, I will learn to stop loving, and eventually stop caring. I think I'll always appreciate what he taught me and the good times we had together. He was a big part of my life for a long time...for 2+ years we were close and I honestly believed that I'd know him forever. But I don't think so anymore...and I've stopped feeling sad about it. I can't dwell on the past anymore...that's where he is now, and that's where he belongs...not in my present, and certainly not in my future...

"Don't worry about people from your past...there's a reason they didn't make it to your future."



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:23pm
you've all said exactly what i've been wanting to say, just haven't conjoured up enough nerve to say it and stick to it. like all of you, my ex cheated, lied and continues to lie to this day.

initially, i didn't want to talk to him, but then i believed that we could be friends and remain in each other's lives in a positive way. i see now, that there's no such thing.

my bestfriend brought up an interesting point, she said she doesn't understand how i could listen to my ex's b***s***. i was embarassed b/c i KNEW that deep down inside she was right. He was feeding me a bunch of b.s. being the idiot that i am- i soaked it up. the conversations that my ex and i have are not beneficial to neither of us. we continuously talk about him cheating on me, whether he's still talking/sleeping w/her. he says no, but i know its totally yes. so why do i do it? why do i torture myself?

the answer is, i'm not ready to face the world alone. I love all the perks a relationship has to offer and i miss them very much. tomorrow is my b-day and for the first time in 5 years, i'll be spending it w/out him. i'm not over him yet, he's still in my system. i still call and check his vm's, not as much as i used to but i do still do it.

since our break-up, i've been dating someone i met while my ex and i was still together. this morning, i realized that this relationship wouldn't work b/c the other guy still is hurt about my breaking dates to be w/my ex etc. the other guy knows that my ex and i are no longer together but he's bitter towards me b/c he feels that he really cared about me and i broke his heart and now he doesn't know if he can trust me. i totally understand what he's going through and i've apologized for my actions, but he needs to understand that i was doing what i felt was right at the time and i'm sorry he got hurt in the process.

i too am jealous that my ex and his new found girlfriend are together. she'll be receiving all of the nice gifts, money, and fine dinners. but, then i take a step back and look at the situation as a whole... all those things doesn't amount to happiness. and that's what i am - happy. the only time i feel sad is when i attempt to call him and he doesn't answer his phone, or when he calls me and we get into an argument.

at first, i was open to the idea of us remaining friends b/c he has done alot for me and i still love him. but, in the same breath why be friends w/someone if they're causing me to feel sad? he says he still loves/in love w/me but i don't believe him. how could he, when someone else is in the picture?

to fight the urge of not calling him, i buried myself in books, clean up the house, and conversate w/girlfriends. all of these are temporary distractions though, what can i do that will be a longterm?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 3:03pm
It's soooooooo hard to force yourself to see the bad side of somebody you love...especially if you can still remember all of the good. I struggled with my ex for a long time even though he treated me horribly after the breakup--partly because I felt guilty for lying to him, but also because I remembered the good things about him. Love really can be blind...I didn't want to see the bad, so I simply chose not to. It was only over time that I finally began to realize the bad and started to forget the good. The good used to outweigh the bad...but now it's the opposite.

I understand that you aren't ready to let him out of your life. I wasn't ready for 4 months, and I'm sure I'm still not completely healed. It makes things harder when your ex still contacts you...please consider trying to do NC. I received that important piece of advice from this dicussion board and I'm starting to see the results--I feel a lot better than I have in a long time. It's rough sometimes, because I miss him...but I've just been trying to remind myself that we've both changed--that I don't even know him anymore or vice versa. We've only actually talked twice since the breakup (all other contact has been random IM's/text messages/voicemails)...and both times ended badly. Also, it was as if I were speaking to a complete stranger--we really don't have much to say to each other anymore.

Your ex still tells you that he loves you even though he has a new girlfriend? Oh hun, I can totally relate...but please don't hold onto the hope that he'll leave her and be with you again. Do you really want someone that acts that way? Who knows what he would tell other girls if you two got back together again. I wanted so badly to believe that my ex still cared about/loved me even though he was spending all of his time with his new girlfriend...I didn't want to accept the fact that he was just trying to keep me around in case his new relationship failed, and that he didn't want me to be able to get over him. Don't let your ex keep you on the back burner...please have enough respect for yourself to be strong and move on.

You should try and isten to your best friend...it's easier for her to see through his bs because she hasn't loved him like you did/do. But I know it's hard...I had a lot of my friends telling me that I should just give up and move on, that he wasn't worth my time...however, I couldn't do it until I myself learned that...until I believed that he wasn't right for me.

It's been hard...I've only recently begun NC and of course I still have my doubts. But I'm starting to realize what a happier, healthier person I'm becoming. I don't have any long-term advice for how to get through the pain...you just have to take it day by day, and each day it seems to get a little easier. Keep yourself busy with friends, family, new people...and do the things that make you happy.

I miss being in love just like you...but instead of looking at all of the negatives of being alone, I'm trying to figure out the positives. For one thing, I don't have to put up with any of my ex's jealousy...I can do what I want, when I want...I don't always have to be thinking of someone else. I can be selfish and think of myself for once...it's nice :)

As for you and the other guy, I would suggest getting out of that situation. You aren't fully over your ex yet...so it isn't fair to the new guy. Rebound relationship are never a good idea. You need time for yourself.

Good luck...