Thinking about leaving him, & I'm scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Thinking about leaving him, & I'm scared
5
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:45pm

Hi everyone, I posted this in the living together board, but I thought you guys might be able to help me out too,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 7 years. We met when we were 18. We've been living together since August 2002. We were supposed to get married this past December, but he got cold feet a year and a half before the wedding, and we wput it on hold. it's been on hold for some time now. The past few months-since Oct. - have been really tough for us. We just haven't been getting along like we used to. There are lots of reasons why this might have happened, one being that I became unemployed in June, and started my own business.

Anyway, the past 2 months, I have started feeling like maybe we aren't meant to be together. I just feel as though if we were, we wouldn't be having so many arguments about getting married, and that after 7 years, he would want to get married, even though we're only 25. I still love him very much though. I just don't know if that's enough, and I feel like I could probably have a happier life without him. Although the thought of not being with him breaks my heart!

If I leave, I don't know where to go. I could move back up North and live with my mother, but I think that would just drive me crazy. My friends are scattered all over the country, so I don't have one particular place I'd like to go to. All my friends here are our friends, and they're all couples too, except for one guy. I just don't know what to do. I'm confused and scared, because we essentially live together like husband and wife, and we care very much for each other. I just don't think we're meant to be a couple any longer. Can anyone offer some words of advice?

Thank you!
M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 2:01pm

I think you are very smart in making the decision to end things. It takes courage to remove yourself from a situation of familiarity in order to do what's best for you. You are absolutely right, after seven years together the thought and followthrough of making a true committment shouldn't be one that scares him. What's he waiting for? Why is he perfectly okay and content with shacking up and pretending like you're H&W, but getting "cold feet" about making it real? What is cold feet anyways? It's doubts. After seven years and nearly two of them shacking up, he still doubts that you are TheOne worthy of committing to.

YOU don't have to and should not settle for that when it's not what you want and need out of the relationship. Moving back up north with your mother might hold the possibility that it'd drive you crazy, but isn't that a better alternative to voluntarily forfiting control of your life?

Yes it will be scary. Yes it will be hard to do. But have you ever noticed that the RIGHT thing to do is ALWAYS the hard thing to do? It's being true to yourself and deciding that you aren't going to settle for the fascade of committment. That you aren't going to be with someone who doesn't want to marry you. That you are worth more than the pretending and the constant auditioning for the lucky role of his wife. You deserve better. You deserve a man who has no doubts about being with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 2:08pm

That's how I feel too. It just makes me sad, because he is a good man, and he does love me. I even believe that he would be with me forever (but unmarried). He is a great boyfriend, but at this point in our relationship, I want more than to just be his girlfriend.

I think I might stay here in the south, but find my own place, and get a better paying job. I really like living here, and don't want to move back in with my mom...the only benefit is that i could save money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 2:21am
Hey emski, I just went through a very similar situation (about 5 minutes ago actually, which is why i came here). My boyfriend of three years (we've lived together for one) just started feeling wrong to me. I graduated college, he still has a few years. I just wasn't ready to settle down, he was (this is where you and I differ). But I told him that I wanted to take a break, and he flipped out and said that there are no such things as "breaks" and that I must not love him to suggest it. It only made me more sure that I had made the right decision. It's just that now I have to move out, which will be hard, but as angelica said, it's usually the right thing to do that's harder. I hope that everything works out for you, I know a much longer relationship is very different, but i was 20 when i met Joe, i didn't know anything, and know I can admit that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:04pm
I know this is a hard decision...one that could affect your life forever.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 3:57pm

I'm in the same situation. My bf and I have been together for almost 2 1/2 years and I've known for a few months that he wasn't "the one." I just wanted to think it would all work out and that I could be happy for the rest of my life. But over time I realized it's not worth settling for anything less than perfect at 22. I once lied to him and he forgave me, so I've been feeling SO scared and guilty because he hasn't really done anything but be good to me (minus a few little things) and I have to say it's not good enough.

Just like you, I still love him dearly, but I just don't think we're meant to be together. I'm out here in VA without friends or family so it'll be a real test to see if I can pull myself together as a single girl for the first time in a long time. You're probably contemplating the same thing, and it sucks being somewhere alone. Just remind yourself (and me!) that it'll be better in the long run if you're true to yourself.

Good luck and lots of teary hugs

Sarah