Thinking of calling off wedding
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Thinking of calling off wedding
| Sat, 02-24-2007 - 8:50am |
I may have accidentally posted a partial message about this....
We have planned a wedding for this coming fall, and I am considering calling it off -- and calling off the relationship altogether.
He has a complicated history (baggage), some of which has been difficult to get past:
Two former wives and families, the first of which is extremely dysfunctional, with a lot of bitterness, hatefulness, and vengefulness. Two "kids" don't even talk to him, his ex-wife has tried to ruin him in every way possible, and I have met one (grown) daughter. She has many good qualities, although she has a lot of issues, has no boundaries, and is very emotionally draining to be around. Luckily, this group lives far away.
The second family seems more stable, although I wouldn't know much first hand because I haven't met these children, although he and I have been together for 3 years.
Initially, there were some weird things going on (as to why I wasn't meeting the kids). The teenage daughter had a couple meltdowns about our relationship (and engagement)...there were issues. Later, financial problems kept the kids from coming to visit us. I have talked to their mom, who seems fairly stable, open, and kind.
So...this hasn't been Easy Street, but this is what happens in life sometimes when you don't get married and stay married in your twenties!
On top of this, he has had extreme problems on his job, which have led to financial issues. These problems have gone on for over a year now...They appeared to ease up around the time of our engagement, then they kicked back in. His situation is something that could more than likely result in a lawsuit and positive outcome in another state, but here things are a bit backwards, and he has simply gotten screwed.
My situation is that I have very little baggage. I have an ex who I get along with (these two have met), I have a good job where I'm very happy, and I'm basically an optimistic person who feels joy in life every day. I have a strong spiritual practice that plays a large role in all of this.
But I am beginning to buckle under all of his weight...his bad moods (justifiably) related to the job situation and some of the family issues.
He, like we all do, sometimes takes it all out on me. The other day while we were in my car, he lost it and started beating the hell out of the inside of my car, acting like a total maniac. He isn't good at dealing with serious issues, and he loses his temper in frustration. Unfortunately, one of his first "defenses" is threatening to end the relationship, call off the wedding, or, now, "postpone things." This is a sore spot of mine. I don't like threats, and I don't like being stabbed in the heart regularly by these threats.
I know I am going on and on here. All in all, he has made a mess of much of his life. I jokingly refer to him as the "Drama King." He has made incredibly poor decisions (what he did with his first family, financial decisions/purchases, etc.) in life and seems to go from one mess to the other. After his last devastating divorce (she left him for another man), he moved in with a raging, violent alcoholic and sustained that relationship for three years.
Of course I am not right now talking about WHY I wanted to marry this man, not mentioning all of his good qualities. I am right now feeling devastated over the idea of ending this now...I feel we have invested three years in this relationship. I feel he has many qualities that I do want in a lifetime partner. I know what else is "out there" (believe me, I do), and in all honesty I don't WANT to be single again! I really don't want to BE THERE. I am getting older, and I need a partner now. I have lived many years being an independent woman with a lot of different interests. I don't want to go through life alone more than what I already have (several years). I don't know what to do.
We have planned a wedding for this coming fall, and I am considering calling it off -- and calling off the relationship altogether.
He has a complicated history (baggage), some of which has been difficult to get past:
Two former wives and families, the first of which is extremely dysfunctional, with a lot of bitterness, hatefulness, and vengefulness. Two "kids" don't even talk to him, his ex-wife has tried to ruin him in every way possible, and I have met one (grown) daughter. She has many good qualities, although she has a lot of issues, has no boundaries, and is very emotionally draining to be around. Luckily, this group lives far away.
The second family seems more stable, although I wouldn't know much first hand because I haven't met these children, although he and I have been together for 3 years.
Initially, there were some weird things going on (as to why I wasn't meeting the kids). The teenage daughter had a couple meltdowns about our relationship (and engagement)...there were issues. Later, financial problems kept the kids from coming to visit us. I have talked to their mom, who seems fairly stable, open, and kind.
So...this hasn't been Easy Street, but this is what happens in life sometimes when you don't get married and stay married in your twenties!
On top of this, he has had extreme problems on his job, which have led to financial issues. These problems have gone on for over a year now...They appeared to ease up around the time of our engagement, then they kicked back in. His situation is something that could more than likely result in a lawsuit and positive outcome in another state, but here things are a bit backwards, and he has simply gotten screwed.
My situation is that I have very little baggage. I have an ex who I get along with (these two have met), I have a good job where I'm very happy, and I'm basically an optimistic person who feels joy in life every day. I have a strong spiritual practice that plays a large role in all of this.
But I am beginning to buckle under all of his weight...his bad moods (justifiably) related to the job situation and some of the family issues.
He, like we all do, sometimes takes it all out on me. The other day while we were in my car, he lost it and started beating the hell out of the inside of my car, acting like a total maniac. He isn't good at dealing with serious issues, and he loses his temper in frustration. Unfortunately, one of his first "defenses" is threatening to end the relationship, call off the wedding, or, now, "postpone things." This is a sore spot of mine. I don't like threats, and I don't like being stabbed in the heart regularly by these threats.
I know I am going on and on here. All in all, he has made a mess of much of his life. I jokingly refer to him as the "Drama King." He has made incredibly poor decisions (what he did with his first family, financial decisions/purchases, etc.) in life and seems to go from one mess to the other. After his last devastating divorce (she left him for another man), he moved in with a raging, violent alcoholic and sustained that relationship for three years.
Of course I am not right now talking about WHY I wanted to marry this man, not mentioning all of his good qualities. I am right now feeling devastated over the idea of ending this now...I feel we have invested three years in this relationship. I feel he has many qualities that I do want in a lifetime partner. I know what else is "out there" (believe me, I do), and in all honesty I don't WANT to be single again! I really don't want to BE THERE. I am getting older, and I need a partner now. I have lived many years being an independent woman with a lot of different interests. I don't want to go through life alone more than what I already have (several years). I don't know what to do.

Hi wavering and welcome to the board. I can't say I blame you for 'wavering' about this marriage, especially with the anger management issues.
Thank you.
He is not, let's say, excited over the idea of pre-marital counseling, thinking that counseling is for married couples who are approaching divorce. In fact, he went to counseling with his first wife and said it felt like a "blame" session on him, so that is probably where his thoughts come from. The way I look at it now is that pre-marital counseling would be the ONLY saving grace with us.
We are normally exactly on target with each other mentally. We normally have very passionate conversations. When he's not down in the dumps and in "me me me" mode, he is normally intuitive, introspective, and very sensitive. He is normally very respectful, always does what he says he's going to do. He's not a flirt or a cheat. He is extremely responsible. The physical aspect of our relationship is wonderful. And spiritually, we are very much in line except I've done a lot more practice while he has mostly read.
These are the things that make the difficulties so much harder.
It sounds like a lot of good reasons for wavering.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit