Thinking of what I used to have

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Thinking of what I used to have
7
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:19pm

Maybe it is the dreary weather, maybe it is coming off of another weekend spent trying to fill my time with constant activity so I didn't feel so alone, but today I feel really sad.

It has been three months since my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because he was unsure about me, us, the future, our future. No contact. And we had a really incredible and loving union, no drama, no issues. It was unexpected, it was unwanted. And it was devastating.

As I have posted before, the breakup has spiraled me into this puddle of insecurity. I'm just not happy. At all. With pretty much everything right now. The breakup has a lot to do with it all -- I still feel so rejected and hurt, unworthy, not good enough. I thought things were perfect, I was so sure he was the one. And I was so wrong. I'm not happy at work. I like my job and what I do, but I am not being recognized for my work as I should be. I am afraid to leave, I am afraid to stay. I always thought I would be moving in to my boyfriend's house sooner than later. I didn't see him as the "gravy train" but I wasn't as worried about my financial situation. I figured I wouldn't be paying rent in the future since we would live together in his home. And I am still renting, no money put aside to buy anything, which is so far out of reach right now anyway. And I have a roommate and probably will have one for awhile, since it is hard to swing my own place alone.

I just feel behind. I guess that is the main thing. Everyone around me has great careers, beautiful condos and houses, and are married, with kids on the way and these perfect, wonderful lives. I almost had all of that. I was headed there for two years. And now it has all been taken away.

I lost the man I loved more than anything and I lost the future I truly thought we had have. I just feel really alone and dumped, by my life.

I think back to a few months ago and how happy I was. I had an incredible boyfriend I was madly in love with, vacation plans, I felt better about work. I had the summer on his boat to look forward to. We had plans for friends' weddings, concerts, trips. Now I feel like I have nothing. I just want the summer to be over. I just want to be happy again. But I'm just not.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:27pm

This is the point of the breakup process that is truly the hardest, I find. It's been long enough that the shock has worn off, but at this point, you're realizing it's really, truly OVER and that THIS is your life now.

Know that it will get better, but you do have to go through this to get to the other side.

Hang in there. If you can motivate yourself to do some gratitude work (such as writing lists of what you are grateful for and meditating on them every evening), or volunteer somewhere or something like that, that will help but I know it's hard to get motivated at this point of the process.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:27pm

i understand what you're going through. it's tough when a break up happens, especially when you're still in love. first of all, you need to understand that you're doing the best thing by not contacting each other, because believe it or not, this is allowing you to move on faster. i know that right now, moving on is not exactly what you want to do because you're still in love, and you want to stop the pain - but trust me, every day is one step closer to you feeling happier, more secure and just generally great about yourself.

you cannot force a man to be with you. neither can you force a man to recognize your worth - your intelligence, humour, beauty, passion, etc. so be easy on yourself; it's not you, it's him. go out and meet people. get into things you stopped doing when you got into the relationship. i promise you - you will meet someone else and you will definitely be happier soon. just take it one day at a time, and realize that if he doesn't want to be with you, it's his loss, not yours!

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:30pm
i feel exactly the same way you do. im not sure exactly why you guys broke up ( what happend? )...but my bf and i broke up just about a week ago. i was also, just like you. so happy, looking forward to the future, our future, plans, i was happier with school, with work, just because i was so happy with him. but now its gone and life just seems miserable-- and im sure you agree with me on that. what now? its been a little more time for you-- maybe you can give some suggestions? how the hell do you move on? when you were soo happy, now its all taken away and you feel miserable?! what do you do with the free time?? oh man...just what the hell do you do in general :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 4:12pm


Hi there and welcome to the board.

I am in your same situation...the love of my life dumped me over 5 months ago...we had everything together...I built an awesome addition to her house. Now it's all hers...the beautiful sunsets out the bedroom deck, with the french doors.

But whatever...now I am starting to move on.

I live in a great neighborhood. You have to spend time doing stuff for you. Go out more, even if it's by yourself. I've gone out to dinner by myself, struck up conversations with the waitstaff. Gone golfing and met up with some nice people. Even talking to people in line at Walmart or the supermarket. Just talking to people makes things easier. I talk to the neighbors every day. They all know my situation and have been very helpful. The've invited me to parties. The more people you talk to, and the more you do for yourself, the better it gets. I recently bought a guitar and will try learning how to play it. I also got back into flying my radio controlled planes. You just have to find something you like doing and just concentrate on that.

Have a great day!

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 4:53pm

*hugs*

Take comfort in the fact that while you're not enjoying all those plans, he isn't either.

I, like you, had made tons and tons and tons of plans with my ex before it blew out of the water. I don't know if it's possible for you, but when he dumped me, I grabbed a few friends every time and went ahead and carried out my plans anyways. Even little things like, how we'd planned on reading the new harry potter book together this summer months in advance. I grabbed a bunch of friends and we read it together in one big hp book fest. A bunch of us are going on that holiday we planned together.

And at some point you're realize that the future you planned together is still attainable, though perhaps through a different path. Let me quote an example. My mom has a collegue, who divorced after 17 years of marriage. At that point, people are making plans for retirement and happy that their kids will be out of the house. So this woman was in her mid 50s with all her dreams of retirement and easy living ground into the dust by this divorce. 3 years later she met a man and married him. And he turned out to be the president of a very famous toothpaste company (name omitted :D). And she's gotten her retirement. An extreme example, but just to show that the end of your dreams, is only the end of your dreams FOR NOW. Put them in a box, move on with your life, and revisit them again one day. And one day when you're drifting around on that boat of yours, drop us a post here.

Good luck to you.

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 2:57pm
I think I may have replied to you earlier, but not sure. I am in almost the exact same situation with you, except I still WORK with my ex. We were together for 2 years, and I went from living with my mom, to living with him. He built a brand new beautiful house which I helped him design. I was so excited to live there and share my life with him and hopefully get married. He makes about 3x my salary...so even though I was willing to contribute to the bills, he made it much more realistic to live together. I know what you mean about not "riding the gravy train", it's not about the money...but it gave me a sense of security and safety...and a positive future. We had vacations and summer trips planned. I was SO looking foward to going away with him...he backed out of our vacation and I had to go by myself to my friends wedding. I was miserable, lonely, and sad. Now I have another trip coming up that he was supposed to come with me on, and I'm going without him. To make matters worse, he is seeing someone else. I kept hoping we'd get back toghether, and now my hope is shot. I bought my own place...but I am worried about making ends meet. I was so happy with him...Life was great. We had our ups and downs, but I was willing to work through them. I think I'm a good catch...with a good job and lots of things going for me, but now I'm afraid I'm not going to meet anybody as good as him...with a good job, handsome, same interests, funny, etc...
It's killing me that he is seeing someone else. I am dreading the rest of the summer, my birthday, and then the holidays. The thought of him sharing those special things with someone else is horrible. I don't know how to stop thinking about it. I want to start dating, but I'm afraid I will keep comparing guys to him, and that I'm going to continue to be miserable and depressed for a very long time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 5:50pm

I know exactly how you're feeling. My boyfriend & I were togther for almost 5 months & had talked about moving in together this Fall, marriage, had RSVPed for weddings & other outings & were talking about a vacation. I had met most of his family & he mine and other than the usual small arguments we got along great. Monday night we cooked out at his house, went for a walk in the park & played on the swings. When I left his place Tuesday morning, he said "I'll see you tonight" & said "Love you too" when I told him I loved him. Tuesday afternoon he e-mailed that he wanted to be alone that night if I didn't mind & when I asked what was wrong he said that he needed to think about us. When I talked to him, he told me that he wasn't sure he loved me & needed to think. Last night he called me & told me that he just wanted to end it b/c he didn't love me & wasn't sure he ever had. I was crushed!!! I played it off very well when I talked to him & told him that I had come to the same decision about us, but I would have worked things out if that's what he wanted. My parents & friends have been great the last few days, but I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong, what we had, what could have been & how I can go on without him in my life. He was actually supposed to go on a trip with my parents & I this weekend for his birthday. Now he e-mailed me this afternoon about getting my stuff from his place. I can't eat or sleep & feel so bad. I'm 31 & thought that I had finally found the one to settle down with.

Hang in there....that's what I plan on doing & I'm sure that how you feel will improve over time.