Thought-stopping and other...
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 12-11-2004 - 12:09pm |
helpful techniques:
Here's a copy of barebackrider's tried and true post on thought-stopping and index cards. I guarantee results if you stick with thought-stopping...it really works!!! I just reposted this on the Mending Broken Hearts board and thought it might be useful to posters here as well.
Here's BBR's post:
A couple of very valuable things I learned from these boards when I really needed help moving on were thought stopping techniques and the use of index cards. Thought stopping is very simple. As you probably well know, during the early stages of healing we obsessively think back to our ex and all the things that went on in the relationship. Its kind of like a tape the our mind just plays over and over and acts to keep us stuck in a place where we cannot move on as quickly as we may like. Thought stopping goes something like this:
1. Set aside a pre-determined 10 minutes (arbitrary time limit that you can adjust) in the morning and evening. During this time you allow yourself to sit quietly and think about your ex and the relationship. Obsess; get mad, go over and over whatever it is about the ex that you want to think about. Then when the timer goes off. That's it. You must move on to your productive activities of the day, knowing that you will get another chance that evening to return to the practice. Allowing yourself an outlet for these thoughts disciplines your mind for the task at hand. Each week or so you will cut a minute or two off the total time spent during these sessions. Just knowing you have these "meditations" scheduled during the day, helps you to focus on your work and school and leisure time, making the most of your waking hours and actually helps you sleep at night at bit easier. As I healed, I noticed that just knowing I could use that 10 minutes during my morning or evening was enough some days. I found I was much more focused and a lot less inclined to daydream and be distracted with my "internal" dialogue.
2. Every time you catch yourself thinking about the ex. or your past relationship problems, or anything related, you consciously take an action, be it snapping your fingers, saying STOP! outloud or (and this worked for me) pinching yourself to get your mind back on track (be it work, homework, working out, whatever). You will feel kind of weird doing this at first, but keep at it. You will find the time spent concentrating on your ex will greatly diminish within 2 weeks time (even more the further you go). You will be hyper sensitive to your thoughts and a kind of internal alarm will go off as soon as your mind starts to wonder. You will condition your mind to "stop the process". Soon you will notice that you no longer have to take the physical action to stop the thoughts. Your mind will begin to naturally edit itself. It just takes a bit of practice. I didn't believe it would work when I first tried it but I really had to stop all the "head work" that was going on and keeping me stuck so I tried it and it was very effective for me.
3. Lastly, the index cards. As you heal you will find that the bad memories or unpleasant part of your ex and the relationship begin to fade and you will be left with the happy, sweet feelings and thoughts of what used to be. This is great if it doesn't change your thinking. But if you find yourself looking for ways to reach out and reconnect with your ex because of these great memories then you need to use index cards. Using a couple of cards, write down every negative reason, example or thought you have about what happened in the relationship . Be as specific as possible so it?s very personal for you and triggers you to vividly remember these times. On The next card write down all the things about your ex that were unhealthy, unappealing or down right repulsive. Character defects, abusive behavior, or simply things that made you mad or sad. Whenever you get to a point where you are only thinking of the good things and missing the person.......pull out the cards and relive the "reality" of what that person/relationship was really like and how living with them made you feel. You must remember the good with the bad and keep reminding yourself of the real reasons why the relationship did not work for you and cannot work. Why going back, seeking contact, reopening those wounds is just not worth the pain.
So, these are some of the techniques that I learned from this board. They helped me get control of my thoughts and keep my healing on track. I saved myself a lot of additional and needless pain and frustration by employing them. My work improved and I found that I slept and ate better and felt a "lifting" of my general mood after just a few weeks. They helped me and I hope they can be of help to you during this painful time.
Edited 9/23/2005 3:32 pm ET ET by northwestwanderer

Pages
Bumping up for imlp...
Sheri
Cool! I may try this. I have been better recently, but I just seem to relapse. I was having trouble working on the computer, because that is how we met, but today I just said that I needed to get through it. I did and then cried a bit after I got the work done. This technique of giving yourself a little each day to think about the relationship seems like a good one, until finally you will not think about it so much. I am definately a lot better now, but I just seem to have good and bad days. Plus I just don't want to get stuck in thinking hopeful thoughts.
Anyways, thanks again!
Gisela
Pages