Thoughts of Him are Coming Back - HELP!
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| Thu, 01-31-2008 - 1:35pm |
Hi all,
You all might remember me from my old posts. I have been doing NC with my ex and I've been doing really well. I don’t want to get too deep into the history, but just a brief summary is I was dating a guy for about 6 months who verbally, emotionally, and was beginning to physically abuse me (he put his hands on me twice before I left). This guy is 38 years old with 2 daughters, each by different women, he lives with his boss/friend who babies him like you wouldn’t believe (everyone that knows my story believes there is something going on there too if you know what I mean) - the boss dictates everything he does, he used to do everything for my ex, buy him gifts for no reason, pay his daughters mothers' rent when they didn’t have it, basically he acted like a gf to him. Toward the end when I was no longer "allowed" at the boss' house anymore, my ex was using the excuse that his boss didn’t even want him talking to me or seeing me at all or he would take away jobs (I know this is a load of crap because any man that really wanted to be with someone would just say "hey man, that's my girl and I understand if you don’t want her in your house, but you cant tell me who to see and who not to see", so right there, that's a lie) - anyway, there were so many dysfunctional things about our relationship that it would take too long to write, and anyway, those of you who remember me probably know them already anyway. This guy lived an hour and a half away from me (one way) yet NOT ONCE did he come pick me up. He always had me do all the driving. AND he had me coming there on Friday nights and always had me leave Saturday afternoons early. That was weird too. I guess looking back I must've been his "Friday girl".. I also found hard evidence of him cheating. I broke into his profile on hot or not and read actual emails back and forth setting up meetings while we were still dating. He did TONS of drugs and was addicted to alcohol. He also stole some money from me, which I ended up never seeing again (a couple thousand dollars). One night I even found panties behind his bed that werent mine. He claimed that he used them to "pleasure himself" and that they belonged to an old ex gf. Another crock.
ANYWAY…. Fast forward to today, I've been successful at NC from him for the first time. I changed my phone number and blocked him from being able to see or contact me online. Short of snail-mailing me I made it impossible for him to contact me. I just had my second HIV test done (3 month test) which came back negative (it feels nice not to always have to go to the gyn everytime we were together just because I was scared he wasn’t faithful. Well, now I know I'm healthy. I even colored my hair back to the color it was when I liked it, BEFORE I changed it and made it DARK DARK just because its what HE liked (boy was that a mistake). I looked ugly and didn’t like myself when I looked in the mirror. Now I feel like ME again. He wanted to change everything about me. My hair, my weight (he always told me I needed to lose about 20lbs for him to be more attracted to me). Never happy with me the way I was. Here's my reason for writing…
As I said, I've been successful with my NC for a while now. I've had NC for exactly 25 days now. This is the longest I've been able to do this for and I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK THAT!!!! It's just that for some reason, god only knows why, I'm starting to think of him again. I know its bad and I just want it to stop!!! My sane mind KNOWS full well that he's nothing but trouble and totally not good for me or anyone else for that matter. As my good friend put it, being with him would be putting myself at high risk in many different ways. I know that's true, so why are the thoughts coming back? I know it cant be because I miss HIM, but moreso that I'm just lonely. I just want to make sure that I don’t do anything stupid, because that's happened to me in the past. I'm hoping you guys can just give me a little push, maybe some re-assurance or knowledgable words to help keep my "sane mind" the one that does ALL the thinking for me.

Hi jetsluvr,
Glad to here your test came back negative.
I've always found that it gets hard a month or two into NC (exactly when depends on a number of factors including how long you were together) because it finally really sinks in that it's really, really OVER.
Glad I read your post. I just got dumped after spending 2 1/2 days with a very attractive guy for another guy.
Yes, it *definitely* does get easier, but to be honest in your case it will probably get worse before it gets better (or rather for you it'll probably
Couple of things:
Actually, you have a couple of different "minds" thinking for you at any given moment, the one that's happy and positive and the one that is negative. That's why the same problem or situation viewed in different mindsets "looks" very different.
Trying to not think of him is only going to make you think of him even more. Reason? Because that's what we as humans are all hard-wired to do, and you're already having to think of him when you tell yourself to not think of him. he's still right there in your head because you're inadvertently putting him there.
Just because you think of something does not mean you'll act on it., or that you have to. No reason to be afraid of your own thoughts, you just give them more power over you that way. When you think of your ex, you can just tell that negative mindset, "Thanks for sharing, now shut up," and keep going on with your life. You'd be amazed at how quick and powerful that is.
Good luck,
I also wanted to add an idea that I just read in the last day or two that is really resonating with me in my own recovery process.