Three Months and...
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Three Months and...
| Thu, 08-05-2004 - 8:42pm |
As the title suggests it's been three months since he broke up with me. I still am unable to refer to him as my ex-bf, I still miss him very much and there are times the old familiar pain has come back. I have had no contact with him since the day we parted, although he's been online at the same time as me. Since seeing him online was killing me I took him off my IM list and removed his email address from my address book and generally did some removal of him from my life. I would like to say that I am doing amazing and no not miss him and do not wish he was back in my life but that would be a lie. Last week I was on vacation and for some reason I missed him more than ever. I was sitting in a Walmart crying behind my sun glasses, getting teary eyed on the beach and just wished he was there with me like he was supposed to be. I seem to have reached a plateau with my healing and moving on. It doesn't seem like I can go any further. I am bitter, I am sad, I miss him tremendously and I know he could care less. He is looking for a new girlfriend and might even have one now but I don't know because I won't check the website he's on. The pain of knowing he is looking is nothing compared to the pain of knowing I have been replaced. I have tried to deal with this as best as I can. I have even started dating but I am numb. I am afraid of being with someone else because they will hurt me and I can't deal with that. I am a very strong person but every has their limits. Why do I want him back so badly? Why do I still love him? When will I be able to say the hell with him and move on? It's strange I could deal with the intense pain alot more easily than this. I am in limbo again and it is horrible. I even feel stupid for still pining over him. My head knows it's over, when will my heart and soul believe it?
Thank you for listening to my rant. It does help to get these feelings out. I would never have gotten to this point without all of your great advice and amazing patience.
