Three weeks and the tears just won't Stop !

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2012
Three weeks and the tears just won't Stop !
3
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 10:38am

Hi, All

Need serious advice,, Three week ago my live in boyfriend of elevn month broke it off with me because of my drinking. I admited I have a problem and I am currenly seeking profrossoal help. I understand why he left but I just don't understand after being with me and being so close to me he just left. He threw me a text this week on my birthday wishing me a Happy Birthday and that he miss me and luv me but not readly to talk yet ! Also that he not seeing anyone... Which I know is a lie because I was able to read his text log and he jump into bed with ex on the same weekend we broke up! That betrayed had hurt me so much.. Just thinking about it tears just fall down!! Anyways,What does this mean is he thinking of giving us a second chance ?  I will love to talk to him and tell him I have not had a drink .. I am currenly seeking help through my church and my doctors.. It working !! I have no desire to drink.  My closes family and friends are happy that he left because he is a pot head and they feel with him in my life and his drug problems that I would fall into drinking again if he was to come back into my life. 

I try to think of all the negetive about him, like he a pot head, he take other drugs sometimes, lazy he can see you that you need a helping hand and he just look at you.. best best friend with his ex wife they have no boundary ! His relationship history, his wife was the one that wanted a divorce from him after 18 years of marriage, his four year relationship he admitted his ex girlfriend was the one to dump him.. Also he can go a day without watching porn ! Like spitting on the kitchen skink aw! Let not forget DEMANDING !!!

So why can't I just take him out of my head! Why I am still crying and hoping that he does call.. Did he give me false hope ?  Why do I still love him even through all that has happen?  

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 12:58pm

lost1968 wrote:
<p>Hi, All</p><p>Need serious advice,, Three week ago my live in boyfriend of elevn month broke it off with me because of my drinking. I admited I have a problem and I am currenly seeking profrossoal help. I understand why he left but I just don't understand after being with me and being so close to me he just left. He threw me a text this week on my birthday wishing me a Happy Birthday and that he miss me and luv me but not readly to talk yet ! Also that he not seeing anyone... Which I know is a lie because I was able to read his text log and he jump into bed with ex on the same weekend we broke up! That betrayed had hurt me so much.. Just thinking about it tears just fall down!! Anyways,What does this mean is he thinking of giving us a second chance ?  I will love to talk to him and tell him I have not had a drink .. I am currenly seeking help through my church and my doctors.. It working !! I have no desire to drink.  My closes family and friends are happy that he left because he is a pot head and they feel with him in my life and his drug problems that I would fall into drinking again if he was to come back into my life. </p><p>I try to think of all the negetive about him, like he a pot head, he take other drugs sometimes, lazy he can see you that you need a helping hand and he just look at you.. best best friend with his ex wife they have no boundary ! His relationship history, his wife was the one that wanted a divorce from him after 18 years of marriage, his four year relationship he admitted his ex girlfriend was the one to dump him.. Also he can go a day without watching porn ! Like spitting on the kitchen skink aw! Let not forget DEMANDING !!! </p><p>So why can't I just take him out of my head! Why I am still crying and hoping that he does call.. Did he give me false hope ?  Why do I still love him even through all that has happen?  </p>

I'm so very sorry you're hurting over this.  Try to take some deep breaths and center yourself for a moment.

You are to be commended for addressing your drinking problem. That takes courage to undertake.  You see that the drinking is a fast path to nowhere and not many folks who do have drinking problems ever get there.

Now, to address your questions:

. I understand why he left but I just don't understand after being with me and being so close to me he just left.

Because you have made the change to sober up and he cannot stand to look in the mirror which your actions have created which is reflecting back his behavior.  He cannot continue on as he did --smoking pot-- and feel good about himself in view of you being clean and sober.  His own feelings of self-reproach may be more than he can handle, so the best thing to do is smash the mirror.  In other words: he took the path of least resistance.

Anyways,What does this mean is he thinking of giving us a second chance ?

Probably not.  It just might be his guilt at how he proceeded with you leading him to do that.

So why can't I just take him out of my head! Why I am still crying and hoping that he does call.. Did he give me false hope ?  Why do I still love him even through all that has happen? 

It's probably more you're grieving the loss of the familiar with him, even though he didn't treat you as well as he should have.  Also, it's only been 3 weeks since the break up. You can't possibly be expected to be over it that quickly--and especially since you're also dealing with a program of sobriety on top of that.  You have a lot going on, both physically and emotionally.  Crying a lot is to be expected, so let the grief have its head... it's there for a reason. It has a job to do if you let it do its job... it will move on once it's done.  You will gradually start feeling stronger and stronger--and on top of that, you'll have the clarity of sobriety on top of it.

You can always come here if you need to vent. :)

take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2012
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 5:07pm

Believe it or not I still have hope.. He did not have to tell me that he love me and that he miss me.. I had stop all communication with him and it was a sweet surprise for him to text me on my bday.. Or maybe he so crude to give me some hope of talking to me when there is none... For me talking mean, he want to talk things out and you never know.. but I know if I take him back I just setting myself for failor and he would have the upper hand in doing this to me again.. Like my sister said Why give him that right to hurt you again ? 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 8:40pm

lost1968 wrote:
<p>Believe it or not I still have hope.. He did not have to tell me that he love me and that he miss me.. I had stop all communication with him and it was a sweet surprise for him to text me on my bday.. Or maybe he so crude to give me some hope of talking to me when there is none... For me talking mean, he want to talk things out and you never know.. but I know if I take him back I just setting myself for failor and he would have the upper hand in doing this to me again.. Like my sister said Why give him that right to hurt you again ? </p>

How much of this have you relayed to your therapist or the person through your church helping you with the drinking problem?  Do they encourage you to reconnect with a substance abuser when you are still so fresh in your recovery process?

I mean, I understand the heart wants what it wants, but you then also have to own that your heart isn't the best judge of what's best for you right now. Yeah, I can appreciate that him reaching out to you can give you hope--but that kind of hope is like a psychotic hope... almost akin to the hope that the next drink won't launch you into 3 unaccounted for days.  It's not something that will work out for your highest good, you know?  And there is also the little problem of him not being of the mind to get off of pot, which unless he's in Washington State or Colorado, is still a state offense, as well as still being a federal offense in all 50 states.

I think you should listen to your sister.  It's a bit too soon to embrace talk of taking him back when there is still so much unsettled business in your own life revolving around your recovery. Try to get that under your belt first, give yourself the time you need to grow in sobriety.