Time to go

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
Time to go
4
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 5:13am

Hi all. I'm really just here looking for some new friends, a couple of hugs, a couple of laughs. . . maybe that desperately needed support I can't seem to find anywhere else. . .

To make a loooooong story short, I live in a two bedroom piece of crap (falling down around my ears, not worth the dirt it sits on) mobile home with my three children and the husband with whom I've known the marriage has been over for over a year.

I won't bore anyone with the details.

I've moved him into the boys' room and my daughter into mine. He's still going to 'make this work.' I'm only now wise enough to know that it was over before it started nine and a half years ago.

No, I don't have a support system. No, I don't have any friends able to help me. No, I don't have any family willing to support me. No, I can't move out. And NOOOOO, I'm not willing to 'make this work' for a whole lot of reasons I won't go into right now.

I'm working my a** off trying to earn my degree and get certified in court reporting. In the meantime I earn maybe $500 a month proofreading and scoping for court reporters.

I want out of here so bad I'm on the verge of hysteria. I feel so much anger and resentment and fear I can't stand it. I hate my family for the unsupportive atmosphere I was raised in and that extends to me today. I hate myself for being cowed into this in the first place. I hate time for moving too slow to get me the hell out of here!!!

Sorry. I wasn't going to bore anyone. I don't have any insurance to get the therapy I so obviously need.

Please, please, please someone just give me a hug!!! I just want someone to care that I hurt. I just want someone to tell me that I'm allowed to feel hurt and angry. Someone to tell me there's a tomorrow where I feel successful instead of stuck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
In reply to: smirff
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 6:47pm

Hello,

I am sorry that you are feeling horribly sad and you do not have an outlet to let things out with. I am sure that you have every right to be angry, sad, lonely and confused. You would not be boring anyone if you feel that you need to get your story out or to be heard. That is what is great about these message boards you get to vent and be completly open and honest and let out feelings when you feel that you cannot get them out or if you feel that you really want an impartial opinion.

I am truly sorry that you are hurting and I hope that you start to feel better soon. Just one day at a time...everything will fall into place.

So I am sending you a big hug!!!!!

Paula

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
In reply to: smirff
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 8:20pm

Hi Smirff. How much longer before you graduate & can earn more money so you can move out? In the meantime, if your guy is abusive, there are org's that will help you with many things including finding a home & helping with your bills. OR if he's not abusive, you sound like you may hate staying worse than you'd hate receiving gov't assistance until you're on your feet again. OR could you find a roomate situation, maybe with another single parent? There are usually other options, if you really wrack your brain & get creative.

In the meantime, either way, take a deep breath & focus, on what you need & want. Be very specific & write it all down. THEN, go to your library, or go online in search of USED books (they're plentiful online) & start reading to learn, to grow, & to be the healthiest you can be, physically AND emotionally.

I'm reading a book now about breaking up, & a book about how to be your happiest. Both books are saying to reach out to your higher power, that even if you dont believe, it/he/she is still there. If you can believe, you'll never have to feel alone in your struggles. It may be worth a try.

Lastly, please try your best to protect your kids, becoz what's happening around them now may very well affect them the rest of their lives. I know you're stressed to the max & probably very limited on time, but please remember to take a few mins ea day to reach out to them, to make them smile & to let them know how important they are in your life, how wonderful & special they are, how much potential they have.

I admire you for pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. You may look back some day & be glad you had to do this the hard way, with so little help, becoz it will build character & inner fortitude, which will be passed down to your kids in many ways. I believe one of the best things we can teach our children is how to handle adversity.

That's all great, but you deserve more, you deserve a partner you can count on, to help you & to love you & to care. If you keep trying so hard at living a healthy decent life, like you're doing now, love WILL find you, & you'll be SO GLAD you didn't give up OR give IN & settle.

I dont bore easily. You can share your story here with me if you want & I promise I'll read it & reply. You have to get your feelings OUT or they'll eat you alive. This board is a safe place to do that. Take care & let us know how you're doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
In reply to: smirff
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 8:34pm

You go girl, just keep your head up and your eyes on the prize. As long as hubby isn't abusive, just keep struggling through the situation and get that degree! I've seen so many of my friends do what you are doing now, and they've done it and are in great shape. You sound like you have what it takes to get there.

Is there any kind of a support group you could join in your area, a church group, or maybe a divorce group? Could you volunteer with your kids for something? Any human contact while you dig out of this hole will help and maybe you might find some golden eggs to assist you.

You are very brave!!

Take care!

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
In reply to: smirff
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:47am

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I needed to hear something warm and kind.

No, hubby is not abusive, just clueless, hopeless, and dare I say worthless. I know that's an evil thing to say, but it's how I feel when I can't even count on him for anything except a hard time.

I'm about a year from graduating. (Knock on wood.) I keep tossing around the idea of taking out additional student loans to help me move out. But then I'm scared of adding to an already rapidly increasing debt size just to get where I want. The pros are I would get out of here, away from him, and free my mind to just graduate. The cons are I'd be paying for it for a loooong, looong time. If he were abusive I could justify it. Not that I want him to be abusive. I guess sometimes I just want a black and white answer when there isn't one.

Anyway. Thanks again to you all. I'm sure I'll post again soon when my frustration level hits the boiling point as it so frequently does.