Time heals all wounds, right? How much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2004
Time heals all wounds, right? How much?
11
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 8:59am

I'm going through a horrible split...well we all are, right?

We were together a yr and a half, and it was the best one of my life. It was everything I dreamed a perfect relationship could be. I loved him, and he loved me, and we showed each other at every chance. It was genuine. We were best of friends, there was no jealousy, no arguing, no BS at all. We were both level headed and selfless, and just dealt with whatever came our way.

Then he flipped the script on me. He ran. He was betrayed by his XW of 10 yrs, and now all of a sudden has freaked on me.

In his words he can't spend another 15 yrs of his life with someone to have it all thrown away. He said that when he started to realize he was falling in love with me, he got scared.

How is any of this right? Why am I the enemy now? I've never wronged him.

He refuses to tell me we'll never be together again, and continues to tell me how great I am. He says he's hardened. Why now? Why after loving me for so long???

I think he's trying too hard to be hardened. It's not his style. He is one of the most down to earth people I know.

He knew his XW wasnt wife material before they married. He knew he couldnt trust her, but she got pregnant, and they shot gunned it.

Now, I'm paying for a low life woman's actions.

I'm in so much pain. I can't bring myself to hate him, and can't seem to get past this. I am on a rollercoaster. I can't hold a mindset more than a day or so. Weekends are the worst. I had tears rolling down my face before I got out of bed this morning.

I want this all to go away. I want to forget how perfect he is (was). I want to find some reason why we would fail in the future.

I just want the pain and crying to end. I want to get on with my life and have no regrets, and find that to be impossible.

He was it. He'll always be the one who got away. I can't see anyone else ever measuring up to him again. I just want to go back to how we were.

Thanks for listening, its been a rough morning.

Jen

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:44am

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your ex may be "perfect" but he's got issues, and until he deals with them (which will almost certainly necessitate counseling, or if he's just gotten divorced, it may just mean he needs time to heal), he's not going to be able to have a healthy intimate relationship.

So, what you need to aim for in your grieving process is accepting that he's flawed in this very fundamental respect and therefore not right for you. You don't need to hate him, but you do need to accept that.

You *will* feel better, eventually. But unfortunately, "the only way out is through"...you have to go through the grieving process and it's painful and there's no getting around it. I can't tell you how many times I've had that feeling of wanting to fast-forward my life to the point where I'm over him, but it doesn't work that way, unfortunately.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 5:26pm

You and I are in very similar circumstances with our exes. My ex and I were together for 8 months and it was a very intense relationship in which we both fell very hard for each other and loved each other very much. Then out of no where, my ex ran and it has been 4 weeks since this has happened and it still hurts like it just happened yesterday. My ex was also burned in his last marriage, also got her pregnant, got married and their marriage lasted only 3 years and it was a very bad break up and both got burned. The sad thing is that this happened over 18 years ago and it is still affecting him. I have been told by some of his friends that he has a history of getting too deep in a relationship and then will just run away and some still think it is due to how his marriage ended. It does stink that you and I have to pay for past mistakes that we had nothing to do with but both of our exes have some major issues and if they keep this up, they will grow old very lonely men. I hope your ex gets some help. I have a feeling my ex won't because he is too much of a "man" to get help and I really don't think he see's he has a problem.

I will be upfront and honest with you, it is going to take a lot of time to heal but the one thing that confronts me is hanging out with friends and family and having them tell me HE is the one with issues and he will always have issues with women until he gets his act together when it comes to relationships. It is so crazy how men can just run away from something that is so good but I have been told that most realize if not now but in the future that they screwed up. It is hard to hate because you want to help him but he is the only one who can help himself. Today has been very hard for me because this is the first day that I haven't been around my friends or family and the empty feeling is overwhelming at times.

Please hang in there and email me anytime if you want to vent, cry, throw things, or just chat. I am always here for you and feel your pain.

Take Care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 5:41pm

Thanks so much...it's been about 4 weeks here too.

I've asked him to go to counseling, and he thinks that he needs to work through this on his own, although he has considered it. I hope one day he does decide to.

Right now he is burying himself into his work. He is self employed and this is his busy season. I think more will come to a head once he slows down in the fall, and has more time to think. He is definetly a thinker.

I too have been trying to surround myself with friends, and have been trying to think and talk about it less, because rehashing it stresses me out. I can't find logic in the situation.

I've actually began journaling, because I would jump from one thought to another to another, and felt so scrambled. Journaling has been very theraputic.

I wish I could work 7 days a week, but I have a daughter who needs me, and that wouldn't be fair to her.

Thanks for writing back...sickly, it helps knowing I am not the only one.

Take care.

Jen

158/140.5/130

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 11:08am

Our lives are so identical. My ex always said that he will work thinks out on his own and right now he is busy and hopefully, things will settle down for him so he will have time to think. I also have a daughter, she is 6 and she has been my little life saver these past 4 weeks. She has seen me cry which I feel bad about but she is always there to give me a hug. I have been keeping a journal because like you, my emotions are just scattered everywhere and it helps to write them down.

You are not the only one who is going through this and it is too bad that there are more men out there that are like our exes. I am sure one day, that you and I will meet someone who can be a man in a relationship instead of a child who runs away from it.

Take Care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 4:57pm

Hang in there. It is rough but you are the right track, just taking it day by day. You are journaling which I find to be such a release. Also think about some things you can do to take your mind off this guy. Maybe you like to workout, have put off taking a cooking class, etc. I know for me working out is the best realease. I get rid of stress and look better too!

Sometimes I think there are just as many guys who don't know what they want as there are women. Like the other poster said, you WILL find a guy who can appreciate you, knows what he wants and knows how to show you. He won't love you intensely and then turn the page and start a new chapter that seems like it belongs in another book.

Sometimes when I read posts on here it is shocking ot know other people share my situations, but one thing I think women forget is that we are not alone. Women have been dealing with some of the same relationship issues for years. We should support each other and be a listening ear.

Post or email me whenever!

Take care.

T. Murray

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:48am

I am so sorry for your loss, but I must point something out. You say that you are paying for a low-life woman's actions. This is inaccurate. If she had treated him well, they would still be together. What you are in fact paying for is falling in love with the wrong guy. I don't mean to sound insensitive because I'm not; I, too, fell in love with the wrong guy. Bad crap happens to all of us, even if we don't deserve it. Just try to live your life without hurting anyone. We make all kind of excuses when we're in love with the wrong guy. Don't make excuses for him. Repeat after me: he was wrong for me, he was wrong for me, he was wrong for me. It's not my fault I loved him as much as I did. It's not my fault he hurt me.

The absolute worst thing you can do to yourself is to believe he was "the one who got away." That's selling yourself short. I hear about these marriages that fall apart because one of the partners is still stuck on someone from their past. I read some statistic recently that said that 60-something percent of former lovers who found each other again engaged in adulterous affairs. I think this is bullsh*t! If you get over your loss, you stand a chance of meeting someone who can fulfill you. If you don't, you'll be stuck in the past. Do your future self a favor and realize he wasn't right for you! Don't sell yourself or your future partner short.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2004
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 6:23am

I take severe offense to such a huge assumption. Do you honestly think I am that stupid?

I did NOT fall in love with the wrong guy. I fell in love with the right guy at the wrong time. He is carrying baggage, I am paying for it. He and I both are paying for it.

Perhaps you fell in love with the wrong guy, but you know so little about me, and about him, that you can't possibly come to that conclusion off the few paragraphs I have typed.

I won't waste more of my morning coffee on this reply.

Jen

158/140.5/130

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:53am

I was just trying to help. The wrong guy, to me, is one that makes you unhappy. I don't know anything about you, and I wasn't presuming that I did. All I suggested was taking the long view on the situation. It's helped me through my trauma, and I figured it could help someone else.

I don't think you're stupid at all. I'm sorry if I offended you. Peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 4:13pm

I'm sorry for what you are going through- I know it's tough. I hope you know, though, that people on these boards are just trying to help by giving you the benefit of their experiences. I don't think the other poster was trying to offend you- sometimes people are just going to see things from an objective perspective and it might not be what you want to hear.

Honestly, from reading your post, I don't understand why you aren't angry. This man hurt you badly- you should be mad, not feel sorry for him. Whether or not he should or shouldn't have gotten married, he did. He's an adult and he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. It's not his ex-wife's fault that he broke up with you- it's his fault that he knows he has issues and refuses to deal with them. You are relieving him of all responsibility in this situation- why? A man that really loves you and wants to be with you would figure out how to resolve his issues by going to counseling, not running away. I'm sorry- that's just how I see it. I think hanging onto the idea that he was perfect and that this was just bad timing is just going to keep you from healing in the long run- especially if you keep hoping he'll change his mind.

I'm not trying to upset you- please don't take all of this the wrong way. I just agree with the other poster that you are never going to be able to move on if you think no man will ever be able to measure up to your ex. He's not perfect and if he was the right person for you, he wouldn't have put you though this much pain. Just my opinion....

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2004
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 4:34pm

Ok, I will not go tit for tat with people here, and explain the last yr and a half of my relationship, and defend how I may possibly know a bit more than the rest of you.

However I will clarify a few things from these last 2 replies:

I think I said I can't bring myself to hate him...anger is an emotion on the rollercoaster, right? The steps in the grieving process?

<>

I don't think I blamed her...the consequences...are what I am dealing with...

<>

Am I? Did I? I don't think I said that...

I am angry at the sequence of events, I realize that I could not have changed them, but I also realize that his reaction is very normal, unfortunately, for someone who has been betrayed, and lost a lot.

<>

Again, I don't think I expressed disagreement with this point.. I think I expressed disagreement with the fact that she so adamantly insisted he was not right for me.

I think northwestwanderer said it better when she said that I have to accept that he is flawed right now. Doesnt mean that he is not right for me, it means that right now, he isn't. Right now, he has issues that have to be dealt with, but this is NOT who he is on a day to day basis. I think I should know that by now. He and I were friends for quite a while before we ever got together.

<>

I agree, and I do get upset when I come somewhere for support, and people start reading between the lines and creating "beliefs" of mine which do not exist.

I am a pretty intelligent person, I see the situation for what it is, and don't think I asked for clarity on why it happened. I also think I have quite an understanding of the male mind. Maybe that's why I don't hate him for his very normal reaction. Perhaps others find anger and hate theraputic, but that only leads me to believe that the relationhip was never really genuine to begin with.

I guess, maybe I came to the wrong place for 'support'. I'll go back to my normally opinionated boards.

Jen

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