The time before it's REALLY over
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The time before it's REALLY over
| Fri, 10-28-2005 - 1:32pm |
Hi all,
Some of you may be familiar with me (Jilly)
| Fri, 10-28-2005 - 1:32pm |
Hi all,
Some of you may be familiar with me (Jilly)
when i read posts like yours where the couple lives together and it's on the verge of a break up, i get chills all over and tears in my eyes because it puts me back at a time where i went through the very same thing, and it's not fun.
first i want to say that i think you are a really strong person because although you haven't left for good, getting this far is difficult enough...trust me i know. some people know in their heart of hearts that something is not right in the relationship and they're not happy or lacking something, and they don't even take it to the level that you have in order to hopefully change things for the better because they are afraid, and they have ever right to be afraid because it is very scarey to leave.
it's also very understandable that it's scarey to leave especially when you are dependant on your partner financially and even emotionally and mentally...but if worse comes to worse and that's your only option to your happiness, please believe me when i say that although it will be sooooooooooooo difficult, it truely is possible.
sometimes it does take drastic measures like this in order to get positive changes in a relationship. it sometimes make one or both partners realize that changes do need to be made in order to "save" the relationship, and if you and your partner know what that is and are willing to work at it, then definately things can work, and i really pray that it does for you. unfortuneatey, it doesn't always work out that way. sometimes people are afraid to look at themselves to really see that maybe, just maybe they could make some adjustments to stay with the person they love, or sometimes people may say they will change just to save the relationship, but after a couple of weeks, you end up at square one, and it can become a very emotionally draining cycle.
as for mentally preparing yourself for a break up, i don't think that is possible, or atleast i didn't know how. i was with my ex for 4 years, and we lived for 2, and all in all it was a loving relationship, but we fought about petty things all the time, and i had a lot of issues, so my "stuff" would affect the way i handled certain situations in our relationship. there were many times in those years that i thought about leaving, and when i finally did, none of that so called "preparing" helped at all. i was in the same boat as you, i wasn't financially stable at all, i depended on him a lot mentally and emotionally, and i was soooooooo attached to him, and i'd like to say that i finally found the courage and strength to leave, but i didn't...i ended up leaving him because i met someone else(who ended up being a jerk by the way)...it just made it easier..but in the end, that just caused more issues that made dealing with my break up even more difficult. i also wish i knew about this board when i was going through my confusing time...things might have turned out different..i don't know. i guess what i'm trying to say is, do all that you can, but like you said, you can't make him realize or change...and if he doesn't realize or change, i hope you find the strength to leave the "right" way, and not the cowardly way i did, because that will just cause so much more pain/issues. and if things do work out for the better, PLEASE find a way to find and gain your independence back(financially/mentally/emotionally)because i think a lot of times we tend to lose ourself in the relationship and i think that that is very scarey and sad and it will cause more turmoil in the relationship someway, somehow...i'm not at all suggesting that you are as dependant on your bf as i was on my ex, and if you're not..that is great, but just in case you're even slightly dependant on him in all or even one of those ways, please make that a priority to find yourself again.
take care, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers because i know how difficult and confusing it is for you right now..like i said earlier, it gives me chills because it brings back memories of when i was there too. i really hope that things for out for you and you find the happiness you deserve.
Jilly, you have given me good advice in the past, so I'd like to reciprocate. I think what you need to do is stick to your guns. Show him you mean what you say, that you are leaving. Take a good amount of time with no contact. Get your stuff, and let him sulk and miss you. Men need to really miss a woman to see what they had.
My ex called me about a year ago and admitted to spending time with a woman in another country that he'd met online. This caused me to leave. I knew in our 9 month relationship that he wasn't ready to commit, but still, I thought he was working in good faith. He said he was sorry and that he needed to tell me he messed up. I said that's fine, I love you, good bye. And then I just crawled into a hole and did not return his calls nor emails. I finally started responding to him at the end of this summer. He tells me he never thought I would just leave. I've heard some very sweet things from him recently, about how he's realized I was the one for him and how he messed things up so much. He said he'd do anything to try again, so I said he needed to go to counseling and sort himself out. He's started that recently, so if my no contact did anything, it got him to start focusing on his issues. He's a good man. I think some day we could try again but not until he's sorted a lot of stuff out. I am not an emotional punching bag.
So my point is, no contact (maybe for a long time, to us it's forever, to men it's a blink of an eye), let him miss you big time, let him start to look inside of himself, let him date women that don't compare to you. Let him crawl back. It might be months and months from now. Just keep keeping on and make sure you let go with love. You can do it, you seem like a very strong person. And let yourself heal. My ex calls now and wants to meet with me for dinner. My mother says go, you might find you don't feel that much for him anymore. She could be right, I haven't seen him for a year. Also, the experts say if you want to try again, you both need to heal from the past before you start over.
My heart goes out to you as you heal, but I know you will be just fine. You are a tough cookie!
Chick
Hey there, I responded to your email yesterday...did you get it? Let me know...
Sheri
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Thank you, hon.
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