is this time really it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
is this time really it?
5
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 5:03pm

My May/Oct. relationship has been ongoing for 3+ years. We have broken up a few times mostly because we also have a long distance relationship parts of the year. It is stressful for my younger man who needs and wants a sexual partner more available. I understand and have stepped aside as we both decided to end it. There are other issues where I have not been entirely happy and certain about the course of things.

We mutually decided to end things last week. Now, I am a mess. Historically I have low self esteem when it comes to relationships and I have been hurt with infidelity and betrayal in the past. So today, even though we both ended it, I am in agony. The clinical depression is setting in and I am immobilized. The other day I had a terrible feeling something was up so I called him. He is very honest and open. He revealed he has met someone (details not important but it's not serious nor has much happened). We agreed not to talk about it anymore but I am ruminating on this. I am missing him. Most of all I will see him in 3 weeks and he wants to continue to be together (he loves me and wants me but the distance thing is too hard for him). I know this is BAD BAD..I told him no. I also told him not to call as I need to detach.

Can you send me little reminders and helpful tips to get thru the next 3 weeks. ALSO some help/homework on staying focused so I do NOT rebound back into his arms has I have done before. The only difference this time is he has met someone and has perhaps "been" with her which is a first on our 3 + years.

Thanks so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 5:49pm

I am going thru something very similar and look forward to seeing wht advice you receive - i told the guy i have been seeing just this weekend maybe he should move on - he lives in NY and I recently moved back to LA for work and have been flying there every other week - but i cant stand the thought of not seeing or speaking to him then i will break down and call cuz i know about that depression

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 5:51pm

Personally, after my breakup, I really let my pride take over. I refused to let my ex know how much he had hurt and upset me (he cheated on me and I caught him) and therefore, I refused to call or see him. I didn't want him to know how bad I was really feeling. I also indulged in a lot of relationship and self-help books. I read "He's Just Not That Into You" as well as another book entitled "Don't Call That Man!" I think reading those really helped me.

Another thing that I did that really helped me was to exercise a lot. I'm really not one of those super in-shape people (quite the opposite, really), but I found that exercising really helped to lower my stress and just made me feel good about myself in general. I also spent a lot of time on hobbies that I had abandoned while I was with my ex; playing piano, cross stitching, web design, throwing parties, etc.

I know that even though your breakup was mutual, it is still really hard. But, I think you'll heal a lot faster if you stay strong and don't see or talk to your ex. It will take awhile, but I found that if I focused my energy inward to improve myself, not only did I feel better about myself, but I think I healed from my breakup faster as well. I don't think you should ignore your feelings, but just don't live and die by them.

Try not to dwell on what happened. Try and find the lesson in what happened and then move forward and you will get through this just fine! Hope that helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 5:56pm
This is helpful. I had a power walk today and head out again to enjoy the sunset. I am going to get my hair done and a pedicure.
What does "Don't Call Him" recommend? Please and thanks..a LOT. I need to focus on me. It helps he found someone else because now I can get a little mad and say to heck with him..
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 7:20pm

Sorry for what you're going through...and we will be happy to help out as much as we can, but I'm thinking that this might be a REALLY good time to get a therapist/counselor involved if you are clinically depressed?

I'm not clear, did you cancel the visit? I think that's a good idea, if so.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 7:24pm
The funny thing is I saw one a year ago when I was clinically depressed..I am going to work this out alone. This board helps. I have a great book and well, have my prayer to my higher power. Today I did two power walks and feel much better as the day wears on. I actually ate today. Thanks.