tired of having doubts

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
tired of having doubts
8
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 5:57pm
I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half today and i feel just sick to my stomach about it. He is wonderful, caring, and we love each other so much. But there are lots of fundamental differences between us and for the past six months of our relationship I have had all these doubts spinning in my head. It got to the point where analyzing our relationship and wheter or not he was the one for me just consumed me. I decided the only way I could figure it out was to not be with him. I just felt it in my gut that I needed to end so did. Maybe this was huge mistake. Thoughts anyone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 6:14pm
You made your decision based on the avialable information. How do you feel about it? It's normal to second guess yourself. But if you went back tomorrow, would anything change?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 7:24pm

did you talk to HIM about the fundamental differences? Did you let him know about your doubts? Did you talk about considering counseling or a neutral third party helping to mediate between you??

I'll be honest... this is exactly what happened with my ex and I - he ended it with no warning and told me it's because of all of these issues between us... um... we loved each other deeply. We never fought. Ethically and morally we are on the same page... we have a lot of common interests and hobbies and we almost always agree.

I STILL don't know what those issues were. If you do decide to stay the course, hang in there. But... do me a favor and at least make sure that he understands what the issues are and let him tell you his side.

I never got that chance... but he did tell me that had he asked me and I opened up to him that it would have stopped him from breaking up with me. Now, it's too little too late.

But... hind sight is 20/20 for me today. If he was too much of a coward to be honest with me, then I don't want to be with him anyway.

Sorry if this is brash and sounds unfeeling. It's really not meant to come across that way. if he's hurting right now... he should at least know why.

If you told him... that's another story. In that case, make your decision and stick to it. Maybe a seperation would work - however you do have to ask whether going back would change anything on a deep and intimate level...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 8:12pm

Hi Laura21780,

Well, I have to say I relate to a lot of what you were saying... I am in the EXACT same boat, same time frame and everything!! My boyfriend and I were dating for a year and a half, and I finally decided to call it quits. What were the reasons? Well, he's a great guy, so not that-- great communicator, very affectionate, so not that either. Basically, it boiled down to I just didn't feel IN LOVE with him-- I think there's a difference between caring for someone greatly and being in love with them... And depending on who you ask, people will either say that chemistry (which was missing for me) is all-important or it's really not, that it's the friendship that makes things work in the end. All I know is that I was TIRED of trying to figure it out!!! All my doubts and wondering and questioning HAD to be a sign that, you know what?, maybe it's not all I thought it was. And even if he IS the greatest guy out there for me, if I'm not ready (and it sounds like you might not be either), then he could be Hercules and I wouldn't want to commit. So I say, if you have the doubts and you're not at a point where you're married or have kids or have something REALLY huge lying on the line, then just let it go... It sounds to me like you're like me as well in second-guessing yourself. Well, for sure we ladies tend to do that. But just keep in mind, you had the doubts, and you were probably tired of wondering these things as well-- and you said you followed your gut, which will never lead you astray. I've seen my friends (and I've done it too) KNOW what they needed to do, and it still doesn't make it any easier. I congratulate you for making that tough decision, and keep looking forward-- good things are always in store just around the corner! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 8:42pm
My ex-boyfriend did the same thing to me. He analyzed by himself for eight months before he decided to end things. I had no idea he was having doubts. He never brought any of his concerns up to me at all, and didn't show any doubts. Who asks someone to go on a vacation with them if they didn't see themselves with the person five months down the road?? It still bothers me to this day how he just ended things without even letting me talk about it. I wanted to talk to him a few days after the shock had worn off, but he wouldn't even return my phone call. My advice would be to at least give the guy some closure on your relationship by allowing him to discuss things if you never gave him the opportunity. I only wish I had been given the opportunity. I know if I had been, things would probably be different. Without proper closure, too many questions are left unanswered.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 9:51pm

I saw your post and had a flashback to the summer of 2005, when I agonized over breaking up with my then-boyfriend. It was the worst time of my life - both before I broke up with him and after. I remember crying in the bathroom at work in the weeks before we broke up, simply because I couldn't figure out what to do. I was having a difficult time pinpointing why I felt so unhappy, but I finally realized that I just didn't feel strongly enough about him to marry him. And while we weren't at that stage, I just couldn't continue the relationship. I couldn't make myself be happy.

After I broke up with him, I cried for what seemed like hours. Wondering if I just let the best man I ever had get away. And I cried for days after that. By chance, he moved for a job shortly after we broke up, and I even went to visit him in his new city to 'make sure'. But eventually I was sure I had done the right thing, even if it didn't make me any less sad. The thought of going to back to him only made my life more difficult, because I felt sometimes like I needed to pretend to be happy.

I think you know deep down you did the right thing. It's going to hurt, a lot, but you're strong, and you're going to get through it. It's been about 18 months now, and I can honestly say I am at peace with this. No one better than him has come along in the time since then, and I can STILL say that I realize I am happier not being in a relationship with him.

A big hug - hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 9:21am
Hi!! I'm going through the same thing. I broke up with my guy of 2.5 years on the 11th, and my heart has felt so heavy. We had a great relationship full of fun and love and lots of good times. I still love him. I just couldn't be with him anymore because I was always having doubts and I know that he and I are going in different directions and want different things out of life. Breaking up with him is one of the hardest things I've had to go through, and I've been going back and forth between being numb inside to being devastated. It's tough to end a good relationship with someone that you've been with for a few years. I'm just trying to make it day by day because I know that, in the end, it's probably the right decision. ("Doubt" means "don't".) It's hard to move on. I have doubts about the future as well, and it's a little scary, but everything's going to be fine. I think these things happen for a reason. Something obviously wasn't right, because if he were the one you're supposed to be with, you wouldn't have any doubts. At least, that's how I try to look at my situation. Though it is difficult, I try to concentrate on why it ended instead of how good it was otherwise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:42am

I can so completely relate to what you are feeling. I broke up with my ex in November and still wonder and worry if I should have just married him. He wanted to marry me and as I am 49 and fear that I will never find anyone, it was tempting. But there were many red flags about him that led me to believe that if I married him there would be problems down the road. Ending that relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I just couldn't live in limbo or be in a relationship dictated by my own fears (of being alone) any longer. He still wants me back, which makes it even harder, but I know if I went back it would only be a matter of time before I would be kicking myself and going through the breakup all over again.

There have been many times in my life when I wish I had listened to my gut about men. I think if your gut is telling you no then you should absolutely listen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 9:15pm

I just posted something like this and was looking for similars...
i've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and *ahem* always had doubts. but at the beginning it didn't matter because I was in 2nd year university and it was my first relationship so I wasn't exactly looking for a husband.

He loves me so much and always says the perfect thing and is just...a wonderful boyfriend. but I have my doubts, and my gut feeling, and am in the midst of breaking it off...it really sucks. It's just that when I heard of people with similar situations that had broken up, and when they got engaged to someone else they 'knew' very quickly that they were the one for them. i hated that because I didn't want to admit that I felt like that as well and didn't know yet. you and I cannot get engaged and be questioning it...sorry I feel like I'm venting my own story-I'm trying to relate to you so hopefully this helps so you know someone else feels the same.

I wish I could stop time and keep dating him...forever? if that makes sense? but I can't and i have to make a decision now before I break his heart even further down the road. He'll be 30 next spring.