Today is his Birthday

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Today is his Birthday
17
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 7:44pm
I am new here... hoping to vent, have something in common, get some support. Just so horribly sad and let down today. It is his birthday, and he is in Florida with his buddy, his newly single buddy. I am sick to my stomach thinking about what they are doing. I am not sure where we stand right now, I pretty much ended this a week ago. I have been feeling neglected, not respected, and now I miss him. I keep a journal and have read every page and there is a lot written about how unhappy I was but why am I feeling so blue? so sad? wishing for him to call and want me back? I don't think he was that into me, he could not have been. This whole break up started because I was just fed up with not seeing him lately. Four months of going out, and it just seemed like he was getting farther away not closer to me. For example on weekends, the last 4 we have not seen each other. A few we both had bad colds, but that should make us want to be together even more! I was called his girlfriend, but lately I just did not feel like one. I had slept over a Thur. and a Friday, he spent the weekend with his friends, ( the newly single one, was broken hearted, they played cards) Ok, fine no big deal, but last week, I just lost it. I have been working A LOT, and on weekends, he is the person I want to spend at least some time with. So it was a Thursday, a gorgeous day, and I mentioned my boss was making me leave at 5 because I am on the brink of burning out he fears, so I email him. Hoping he will want to get together. Thinking a nice early dinner...outside... no. He emails me back telling me he has a meeting then is going to meet his new single buddy and this girl, she is engaged. Never asks me to join them. So I email back, sounds like fun, am I going to see you this weekend? He writes back I will call you later. I just flipped, figured I cannot take another weekend of this. So I wrote this email telling him I just cannot do this anymore, I feel like an FB not a GF.
etc. etc. stupidly I sent it to his work email and in our industry everything gets read. Anyway, he calls me at 6pm, guess he did not read the email that night, asking me out for Cinco De Mayo. Well, the next day, he said he needed to reconsider getting together with me and he said he thought we needed to talk first. I said fine, I do think we need to talk, and asked when. NEVER heard from him this whole week went by nothing. It is a very good thing I did not make the plans I wanted to for his birthday, I would be so mad right now. I texted him Thurs. " Don't you even miss me?" God, 4 months and nothing, no call, arent't we adults. If he cared he would have called me that Friday morning and said what is going on what is wrong? this is not what you are to me... etc. etc... but no.. Last night I am sad, went out and nothing is making me happy. I texted him Happy Birthday... he is in Fla with his buddy. I don't get this. He is in his early 40's. When does playing around get old? When does one night stands and bar hoping get tiring? How could he prefer partying with his buddy over us, over me? I just don't get it, I don't understand, maybe I never will. Maybe I was nothing to him. I sent another e-mail to him which I am sure he will love to read when he gets back, nothing bad, just trying to get some closure on this. I guess I did not realize the feelings I do have for him. This is just eating me up, I cannot concentrate on work, I need to get my stuff back and either finish this or we need to figure out what is what. I guess for once I just wish a guy would come after me, and be so into me, that he would want to get me back. How could he just walk away? I think about him every day. I should not be hurting, my mind tells me he did not treat me the best, but my heart remembers the little things, the kisses, the hugs, the lauging, why do we always remember the good things about them? Why can't I just be so mad at him right now. I should be. I don't need this, I can certainly be treated better. The bad thing is I knew him all last summer, we just started dating in Jan. so we were friends all last year kinda. This is just so horrible. How do I get past it? I wish I could recall that e-mail I sent, maybe I should have just waited things out. But he has not even bothered to call me, I just cannot believe it. He just chooses to ignore everything. I cannot walk away from this, I know it was not a long time, but I knew him for so long, and liked him for so long, and am just dissapointed maybe that he just did not like me like I did him. I wish I never got involved. I hate this feeling, I know time heals and I will be fine, been here before. But right now, this hurting is the worst, I feel like what is wrong with me? Why was I not enough? and this limbo is just nuts. I need to close this page, I need my stuff back, I need to drive to his house one last time, cry, get it over with, and hope he won't be there to see me pick up my bag of things on his porch. I should just go out tonight, so depressed. I want to be with him, I want to be at dinner right now, wishing him Happy Birthday like I planned. I want to be going to the baseball game tomorrow like we talked about. Instead I am here, feel hungover went out last night, martinis did not help...what does help...

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 8:47pm

I know it's hard, but you really need to let it go. You can't force him to be a decent guy and have a conversation with you.

The only thing that's going to help is stopping contact with him and moving on (and unfortunately it will get worse before it gets better but that's the only way to the other side). The only "closure" you're probably going to get is you accepting that the two of you aren't right for each other.

Unless you have things at his place that are truly irreplaceable, you need to let that go, too.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 6:22pm
I would forget him cold turkey. As hard as it is and I've just got out of a relationship of eight months. It really bums me out that I cant even talk to him and he doesnt care at all. I did call him on his birthday he didn't answer I just left a message and ended it at that. He did call back but I guess out of respect. Let him miss you, by not calling, if he trys to call let him leave you a message. Go out with your best friends do everything YOU want to do. Venting really helps, and listening to music all the love/sappy songs made me feel better. Now I realized my ex was a loser and I deserve way better than him and maybe in a year from now we could be friends. Just up to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 12:23am
Wow this guy sounds like a total dick ... I'd say try your best to get angry with him. I know you're upset and you have a right to be, but try to channel your misery into anger, because this guy deserves a major ass whoop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 7:22am
Sadly, I know, he is a dick... I am starting to think more about that, especially by the fact he never even called to end this officially.. Well, in my mind it is done, maybe it is better if we don't talk, if he does not respond to the email I sent him. Who cares about my stuff, he can keep it I don't need any memories of this mess anyway. It is just sad that you think you somewhat know a person in a general sense, WOW was I off base. He is a child still. He still wants to party, still wants to hook up, still wants to do his own thing, it is all about him. He is too selfish to give to another. 42 and he is still not ready to grow up, some never are. I met a guy last year, he was in his 50's/60's asking me out, never went, but I can imagine my guy here acting like him, looking older, trying to look young trying to pick up younger women. Yuck! It is getting easier this week, I am looking forward to going away to my favorite place next weekend and the best thing is I don't think he will be there. I just want a peaceful, drama free weekend, where I can just lie on the beach, read a book, party with my friends and just leave him and his pathetic behavior behind me. Summer is here, at least it gives me some hope, I love this season, I have plenty of friends to do things with. His loss completely. I want someone who is going to cherish me, spoil me a little, be nice to me at least, care about my day, care about me as a person, not just as a piece of you know what. I am a bit jaded and bitter toward men right now, hopefully that too will pass. Thanks for the response you are right on target with it!!! :) And yes, I am getting mad, god help him if we run into each other, it will not be a nice interaction, I am sure I would not be anything but the better person, just turn my head as if he never existed, just like he did to me... payback is a bit##!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 1:12pm

You are doing all right, just hang in there. I too experienced a man, who I dated for almost 2 yrs, who never gave me a goodbye, never said sorry (cheating) never said one word- just my final email to him with no response.

Maybe you will benefit by reading this book, it may shed some light on your situation. I just picked it up and I really like it so far. It's called When You Love A Man Who Loves Himself by W. Keith Campbell (I got it off amazon.com). It explains why they can be self-serving, why you still cling to what was, typical traits of these types, etc. It was written in 'common man' language, not an academic-type feel to it.

And do exactly what you said- ignore him. Someone said "living well is your best revenge" and it's true. No one wants to be the clingy girl who keeps crying, calling, emailing for answers. You know he won't respond and you don't want to be that girl.

Good luck and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:30pm

I agree. My ex also just stopped all contact. No goodbye, no explanation. Just wouldn't return my calls. It was awful. I had so many tears that I should be a desert now.

Unfortunately, 2 1/2 months later, it hasn't improved. His b-day came up and I did have the notion of sending flowers then woke up! Mine is coming up and I really don't hold my breath. He won't even speak to me at the gym when he is 4 feet away from me! I also have ignored him. I consider whether I should smile and just say hello, but then think, why bother? Really, If a relationship is going to work with this man, he has to be man enough to communicate with me and not be cruel and give me the cold shoulder.

I don't know what will happen, whenever I see him now, I lose all interest and surprise myself by being a bit disgusted with him. But when I wake up in the morning, he's the first thing on my mind....

It has been better, but not completely. I think of whether I'll date someone else and worry that I'll go through the same thing. The book that is helping me (besides yoga and meditation) is "Loving Yourself" a very good gift from another poster.. I highly recommend it. It targets themes from your past that are being relived and I can understand a lot of my life now. Not that I'm a sane woman yet, but getting there!

I just did this one assignment from another board where you list 100 things you want to do with your life. They can be simple and fun: getting your hair colored, medium: to changing jobs, or wild: Moving to another country.
At first, you think it is overwhelming, but it does pour out. At the end, look it over and you might find out that the ex really doesn't fit in anywhere!

The second part is to do one thing on that list this weekend......
Give it a try! I will...
((((HUGS )))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 8:08pm

Thanks, I will need to get that book, sounds perfect... no response, I am erasing his phone numbers, too easy to drunk dial or text message, sadly two bad traits I have. Done. I just think so little of him now, no guts, just garbage for a soul. How could anyone treat another human being like this? Not sure but he could not have a good heart and that is certainly not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with no matter how hot his body was, or how funny he was. Those things don't matter when your child is in the hospital and he is out with his buddies at the pub! or when you have had a bad day and he could care less about hearing your side. Nah! not for me, I sadly think it was all just sex, and not that big of deal sex. I could not trust him totally, did not feel the love I needed from him , thus it was not good for me. There is a difference. Making love and having sex are totally different. Thanks for the advice, will grab that book, will be a good read for next weekend... I need to understand their minds at least a little, never think I will get them entirely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 10:55pm

Funny you should ask the question: How could anyone treat another human being like this? because that is one of the observations this book talks about... when you are involved with a guy like this/narcissist, that is one of the prime questions you ask yourself.

enjoy the read, maybe it'll at least give you some clarity on the situation!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 7:15am

Really? Hmmm I definitely am going to order it today. Probably better than therapy these days, it seems like I have always tolerated too much according to all of those around me. I always should have walked away much sooner than I did, or shall I say they did. I was always the DUMPEE, never the DUMPER, not sure what that says about me that I want love so badly that I will tolerate bad behavior, cry a lot, etc. and just hold it all in and tolerate it until they walk away leaving me a shell of no self respect or confidence.

I guess I need to really think is getting married to the wrong guy and being miserable really worth it? There is so much pressure by society to be married with kids today, in my office alone I am the only single one. I am 39 and I am sure they are all wondering WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? everyone does, no one understands the deal. They look at me, I guess I am attractive, I cook like Martha, that once was my nickname, I do all the nice things, and um.... if you are thinking about the sex thing, no problems in that department either. My only explanation, becareful what you wish you, because when you get it, you don't know quite how to handle it. I think these guys don't expect me to be the way I am all, the things I am. So I don't even get it myself.

Men today,really I think have it easy, there seems to be a LOT more single women, at least here in the Northeast, why should these guys settle for one when they can taste the whole box of chocolates? It is really easy for them, believe me. I watched 4 guy friends last year in a popular summer player meca here in RI, and it was all about the hook-up, and believe me there were plenty of willing participants ( women) I watched married men slip off their rings, I watch them with their rings on get picked up. I wanted no part of it, except to be with my friends and have fun. No hooking up.

I am getting back on the mind set I was last year, forget the men, it is all about me right now. I don't want one. I don't need one. I don't want the emotional attachement, the emotional issues when it ends, it dissrupts my life and I don't have time for it. It is easier without them. I am not waiting by the phone all stressed out with butterflies in my stomach then dissapointed when they don't call, I am not upset when I don't have a date on the weekends, I can do what I want when I want. I have a friend that her soon to be ex, tells her when and if she can have a glass of wine, she is 33. WHAT??? Not for me.

What makes me feel better, is when I watch Sex in the City, I want that life,I know it is just a T.V. show,but I want that lifestyle. I have friends, good friends, so I am good. I guess turning 39 was bugging me, but what can I do, stop it? I have no control, so I might as well, be happy with what I do have, my health, I can fit in my sexy seven jeans, for the first time in my life, I can wear hot jeans. I was the kid in school who kids made fun of because I was always heavy. I would not go to my Freshman dance because I was so embarassed. So now when I put that size 4 or 6 on I am thankful. I like tormenting those men some times, especially now, it is not that I don't get dates. I just don't care, and I am done with the creeps, the cheapos, the cheaters, the " I don't love you enoughs", the distant wall st. guys, the liars, DONE!!!! My goal, all I want... really .... right now.. are a pair of Claudia Manolo Blanik shoes.. ( they are on ebay, can't quite go into the store and just buy them, a bit pricy for me,) and to progress in my career. I have an interview in NYC next week, kind of unexpected ,was not even planning on it... but hey maybe a change of scenery will do me good. Hope this helps some of you feel better. It helped me just writitng it this morning... Wash those men right out of your hair!!!!! and repeat " He was just not that into me" I swear by that, my Dad always tells me, "when they are into they are into you, when they are not, they are not", and that was way before that book came out, and way before it was on the show.... Have a good day all....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 9:20am

Well don't beat yourself up over coulda/woulda/shoulda walked away sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20. I too should've walked away the first time he stood me up. But it took me almost 2 yrs until I broke things off (and it wasn't always bad). So for me, looking back, I should've nipped that in the bud that first bad move on his part. Lesson learned.

No, getting married just for the sake of getting married is not worth it. So what if you're 39 and single... I know it seems like most people around us are coupled up or married as we get older, but I'd rather be single than in a so-so marriage just because society says I should (although my dad likes to joke I'm an 'old maid', thanks dad, I'm 31).

You sound like you have a lot of good qualities going for you, just keep reminding yourself that. Someone out there will appreciate it, not all guys are that insensitive (at least i'm hoping).I agree with you on guys not having to commit, when my ex asked me "why would I keep our relationship if I had someone else?" when I questioned him about another girl- which he in fact had- I told him, "so you can have your cake and eat it too." It's simple. Why should they care if they have a backup plan?

As for your friend who is told when and if she can have a glass of wine... good riddance to that guy!

So go out there and get those ebay Manolos, put on those size 6 jeans (dang, girl), and focus on what you will and won't accept next time around. Keep your head up and keep us updated... :)

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