Today is his Birthday
Find a Conversation
Today is his Birthday
| Sat, 05-13-2006 - 7:44pm |
I am new here... hoping to vent, have something in common, get some support. Just so horribly sad and let down today. It is his birthday, and he is in Florida with his buddy, his newly single buddy. I am sick to my stomach thinking about what they are doing. I am not sure where we stand right now, I pretty much ended this a week ago. I have been feeling neglected, not respected, and now I miss him. I keep a journal and have read every page and there is a lot written about how unhappy I was but why am I feeling so blue? so sad? wishing for him to call and want me back? I don't think he was that into me, he could not have been. This whole break up started because I was just fed up with not seeing him lately. Four months of going out, and it just seemed like he was getting farther away not closer to me. For example on weekends, the last 4 we have not seen each other. A few we both had bad colds, but that should make us want to be together even more! I was called his girlfriend, but lately I just did not feel like one. I had slept over a Thur. and a Friday, he spent the weekend with his friends, ( the newly single one, was broken hearted, they played cards) Ok, fine no big deal, but last week, I just lost it. I have been working A LOT, and on weekends, he is the person I want to spend at least some time with. So it was a Thursday, a gorgeous day, and I mentioned my boss was making me leave at 5 because I am on the brink of burning out he fears, so I email him. Hoping he will want to get together. Thinking a nice early dinner...outside... no. He emails me back telling me he has a meeting then is going to meet his new single buddy and this girl, she is engaged. Never asks me to join them. So I email back, sounds like fun, am I going to see you this weekend? He writes back I will call you later. I just flipped, figured I cannot take another weekend of this. So I wrote this email telling him I just cannot do this anymore, I feel like an FB not a GF.
etc. etc. stupidly I sent it to his work email and in our industry everything gets read. Anyway, he calls me at 6pm, guess he did not read the email that night, asking me out for Cinco De Mayo. Well, the next day, he said he needed to reconsider getting together with me and he said he thought we needed to talk first. I said fine, I do think we need to talk, and asked when. NEVER heard from him this whole week went by nothing. It is a very good thing I did not make the plans I wanted to for his birthday, I would be so mad right now. I texted him Thurs. " Don't you even miss me?" God, 4 months and nothing, no call, arent't we adults. If he cared he would have called me that Friday morning and said what is going on what is wrong? this is not what you are to me... etc. etc... but no.. Last night I am sad, went out and nothing is making me happy. I texted him Happy Birthday... he is in Fla with his buddy. I don't get this. He is in his early 40's. When does playing around get old? When does one night stands and bar hoping get tiring? How could he prefer partying with his buddy over us, over me? I just don't get it, I don't understand, maybe I never will. Maybe I was nothing to him. I sent another e-mail to him which I am sure he will love to read when he gets back, nothing bad, just trying to get some closure on this. I guess I did not realize the feelings I do have for him. This is just eating me up, I cannot concentrate on work, I need to get my stuff back and either finish this or we need to figure out what is what. I guess for once I just wish a guy would come after me, and be so into me, that he would want to get me back. How could he just walk away? I think about him every day. I should not be hurting, my mind tells me he did not treat me the best, but my heart remembers the little things, the kisses, the hugs, the lauging, why do we always remember the good things about them? Why can't I just be so mad at him right now. I should be. I don't need this, I can certainly be treated better. The bad thing is I knew him all last summer, we just started dating in Jan. so we were friends all last year kinda. This is just so horrible. How do I get past it? I wish I could recall that e-mail I sent, maybe I should have just waited things out. But he has not even bothered to call me, I just cannot believe it. He just chooses to ignore everything. I cannot walk away from this, I know it was not a long time, but I knew him for so long, and liked him for so long, and am just dissapointed maybe that he just did not like me like I did him. I wish I never got involved. I hate this feeling, I know time heals and I will be fine, been here before. But right now, this hurting is the worst, I feel like what is wrong with me? Why was I not enough? and this limbo is just nuts. I need to close this page, I need my stuff back, I need to drive to his house one last time, cry, get it over with, and hope he won't be there to see me pick up my bag of things on his porch. I should just go out tonight, so depressed. I want to be with him, I want to be at dinner right now, wishing him Happy Birthday like I planned. I want to be going to the baseball game tomorrow like we talked about. Instead I am here, feel hungover went out last night, martinis did not help...what does help...
etc. etc. stupidly I sent it to his work email and in our industry everything gets read. Anyway, he calls me at 6pm, guess he did not read the email that night, asking me out for Cinco De Mayo. Well, the next day, he said he needed to reconsider getting together with me and he said he thought we needed to talk first. I said fine, I do think we need to talk, and asked when. NEVER heard from him this whole week went by nothing. It is a very good thing I did not make the plans I wanted to for his birthday, I would be so mad right now. I texted him Thurs. " Don't you even miss me?" God, 4 months and nothing, no call, arent't we adults. If he cared he would have called me that Friday morning and said what is going on what is wrong? this is not what you are to me... etc. etc... but no.. Last night I am sad, went out and nothing is making me happy. I texted him Happy Birthday... he is in Fla with his buddy. I don't get this. He is in his early 40's. When does playing around get old? When does one night stands and bar hoping get tiring? How could he prefer partying with his buddy over us, over me? I just don't get it, I don't understand, maybe I never will. Maybe I was nothing to him. I sent another e-mail to him which I am sure he will love to read when he gets back, nothing bad, just trying to get some closure on this. I guess I did not realize the feelings I do have for him. This is just eating me up, I cannot concentrate on work, I need to get my stuff back and either finish this or we need to figure out what is what. I guess for once I just wish a guy would come after me, and be so into me, that he would want to get me back. How could he just walk away? I think about him every day. I should not be hurting, my mind tells me he did not treat me the best, but my heart remembers the little things, the kisses, the hugs, the lauging, why do we always remember the good things about them? Why can't I just be so mad at him right now. I should be. I don't need this, I can certainly be treated better. The bad thing is I knew him all last summer, we just started dating in Jan. so we were friends all last year kinda. This is just so horrible. How do I get past it? I wish I could recall that e-mail I sent, maybe I should have just waited things out. But he has not even bothered to call me, I just cannot believe it. He just chooses to ignore everything. I cannot walk away from this, I know it was not a long time, but I knew him for so long, and liked him for so long, and am just dissapointed maybe that he just did not like me like I did him. I wish I never got involved. I hate this feeling, I know time heals and I will be fine, been here before. But right now, this hurting is the worst, I feel like what is wrong with me? Why was I not enough? and this limbo is just nuts. I need to close this page, I need my stuff back, I need to drive to his house one last time, cry, get it over with, and hope he won't be there to see me pick up my bag of things on his porch. I should just go out tonight, so depressed. I want to be with him, I want to be at dinner right now, wishing him Happy Birthday like I planned. I want to be going to the baseball game tomorrow like we talked about. Instead I am here, feel hungover went out last night, martinis did not help...what does help...

Pages
I agree, martinis do not help, though sometimes they don't hurt either!
Seriously, what will make you feel better is facing up to the fact that it is not missing him that is making you miserable, because judging from what you've written here, you were actually miserable WITH him.
What's making you miserable, and justifiably so, is rejection. Rejection sucks. No one likes being rejected, for anything. It can be the most impersonal kind of rejection in the world and it will not feel good. If you buy a lottery scratcher and win nothing, that feeling of disappointment is rejection. You wasted your time and money on something and got nothing out of it and that is a horrible feeling.
So what you've got here is something that feels ten times worse than a losing lottery scratcher. It isn't HIM or his birthday party you want, it is the feeling of being accepted, loved, cherished, wanted, desired etc. etc.
So once you accept that HE isn't what you're feeling bad about, but just feeling normal feelings of being rejected, then you can move on. Go where the love is. Go hang out with people who DO love you. Hang out with friends and family and pets and people who LOVE you.
Eventually this feeling, having been fully felt for exactly what it is, will fade.
Don't make the mistake of confusing your need for acceptance (which is NORMAL) with a need for this guy, because you don't need this guy. He doesn't love you and you deserve better than that, Grrl Genius!
Completely agree. It is just the rejection I am mad about. Still angry that I did not get to vent to him. I wonder if by him not talking to me he thinks he can pull me back in some drunken night in our summer world. I am afraid of seeing him for the first time. It is not a big place, there are only a few places to go, and I know I will run him. I wonder how it is going to be. Are we going to ignore each other? Will he act like nothing happened? Will he suddenly want to talk now ( especially after a few drinks)? It is sad, it would have been a great summer if things were different, if he was different, but you cannot change someone that drastically. You cannot make them into who you want them to be. Too bad, I wish there was a way to do that. If only I could just pop give him a pill to give him the qualaties I want him to have. The phamacuetical industry would make a fortune if they could invent that.
It was so fun last summer flirting, having fun, laughing with him, with everyone, it is going to be so strained now. I made my friend promise me if I god forbid, I drink too much and turns his charm on me, please remind me what I was to him, an FB. Please tell me that over and over again. I wish for the best, a fun summer with no drama
Daily Mantra:
Each and every moment of today I exist because I am wonderful, amazing, talented, gorgeous and adorable inside and out.
I am important in the threads of this world.
I accept new people and experiences for better and for worse, accepting them as they come and saying a thankful goodbye when they leave. For the simple experience improved my path and I am better for it.
I do NOT need anyone to make me whole. Everyone I meet is an addition to my experience.
I love myself unconditionally and anyone I meet who does not is unworthy of me..
(((HUGS)))
I am glad it helped.. I know what it's like to realize that you're just floating through the day. If it wasn't for my yoga and pilates classes I really think I'd be a basket case!
You can always come here and chat! It helps.
((((HUGS)))
And one big smile!
Pages