Today is my birthday--LONG, Sorry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Today is my birthday--LONG, Sorry!
9
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 11:34pm

Today is my 30th birthday, and my husband left me this afternoon. I had no clue. I knew that something was wrong, he hasn't been right for the past 2 weeks. But he won't talk to me. I got mad at him the other night because he made plans to go watch football with the guys today. He said he thought my birthday was Monday. He ended up not going, because the friend had to work, not because he wanted to spend the day with me.

After our argument earlier in the week, he asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. He asked again on Friday, and I told him to surprise me. I wanted to spend the day together, we didn't have to go anywhere. He wouldn't talk to me yet again, so I sent him an email asking what was wrong, why won't you talk to me, what have I done, I'm sorry, blah blah. I told him I felt like he didn't want anything to do with me, and I didn't understand why. I told him in the email that I wanted romance, roses, and quality time for my birthday. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me (since I can't remember the last time he said it). I wrote, For my birthday, I want you to show me how much you love me.

Well, I got what I asked for. When I got up this morning, he mumbled happy birthday from behind me. Let's not look at me now. So as the morning progressed, he kept avoiding me, not answering me, leaving the room, etc. I asked him again what is wrong, and why was he avoiding me. He said I am making it up. I said can't you act like it's my birthday and treat me a little specail today? He then said, what do you want from me. I asked if he'd read the email from Friday night, and paid attention to it. He said he read it. I asked if he'd paid attention to it. He says he did. I got mad, and said obviously not, since you can't even look at me and tell me you love me.

While I was in thebedroom, he began to disconnect the computer. I walked into the room, and asked what he was doing. He said he was taking the computer, and his clothes and leaving. I asked where he was going, and he said he didn't know, but probably his mom's since little sister is away at college, and his step-dad just left the country for 3 months. I told him that this was not what I wanted. I asked why, and he said we needed some time apart.

I couldn't stay and watch him pack, so I left and went to my classroom to try to get some work done. Mostly I just sat there and cried. After about an hour, I sent him a text message saying I'm sorry, and I love you. He texted back that he was sorry too, but that he didn't love me anymore. He didn't need to text that. He's just being mean.

Now he won't answer his cell, I don't know where he is. I haven't really cried since I came home this afternoon. I'm just kind of wandering around. I keep seeing the calendar and how it has written on it "my birthday" for today and I think, wow what a great and memorable birthday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 12:24pm

I'm so sorry you've had to go through a birthday like that,- and I can really relate to the feelings you're having... You feel that this all came completely out of the blue? He hasn't aired his feelings before, giving you a chance to change the things he didn't like? I think that you might've been a little bit too good to him, telling him you're sorry and taking all the blame for your problems.

I was actually in the same situation myself the other day. My bf came home from work, hadn't seen him in 2 days b/c I was working late. Had spoken to him on the phone, and got a bad "gut-feeling" whenever I spoke to him. Had a feeling something was wrong... Usually, when you get that feeling, you're right. Anyways, he came home and his first words were "darling, we have to talk. I've made up my mind. Can't do this anymore."

It felt hard, like somebody punched me with a rock. I think men are like that, they think about the relationship for some time, and when they've made up their mind, then they're ready to talk. Luckily, my bf gave me another chance. Again. And after having said that, he was completely loving and nice to me again. I admired him so much. But not all guys are like that...

The point is, I think your man has decided he wants out, and in his mind there's no "right days" to break up. He probably thought it was better for you to do it on your birthday, as you would probably have other people around you. I don't know. But I think the last thing you should do, is to take all the blame and beg for him to come back. If he doesn't want to come back, or if he's not ready.

"He asked again on Friday, and I told him to surprise me. I wanted to spend the day together, we didn't have to go anywhere. He wouldn't talk to me yet again, so I sent him an email asking what was wrong, why won't you talk to me, what have I done, I'm sorry, blah blah. I told him I felt like he didn't want anything to do with me, and I didn't understand why. I told him in the email that I wanted romance, roses, and quality time for my birthday. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me (since I can't remember the last time he said it). I wrote, For my birthday, I want you to show me how much you love me."

I'm guessing he finds the whole relationship a bit stressful and high maintenance these days. Not that you're demanding too much, but if he's unsure about his feelings, everything in the relationship will seem stressful to him. So I guess my advice is: don't run after him, begging him to tell you what you've done wrong, why he doesn't want to talk to you etc. Don't you get ever more pissed off with somebody if they nag about the problem all the time? Maybe, if you give him time to realise that he misses you, he will realise that he still loves you. You know, for a man to hear "I want you to show me how much you love me." can really be the hardest thing you can ask him to do, if he's not so sure he loves you any more. Give him time, leave him some space.

Good luck, please keep me updated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 2:36pm

i still wanna great you a happy bday...even you think is not....ofcourse it is dear your still alive another year isn't...AND i think is a BIG SIGN for you....a bday gift for you.. IT MEANS THAT YOU DONT DESERVED THAT JERK HUSBAND OF YOURS....

beside he show it all to you isnt....atleast he show respect to you and do what you ask him to for your especially day...right??? but he did not and WORST PART IS HE run away....what a jerrrrrk????

just remember things happen for a reason....i know it hurt but you need to be strong...hugs!!!! good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 9:22pm

I know I need to give him space, and let him decide what he wants, but it's hard. At 11:30 last night I ended up driving over to his mom's to see if he was there. When he finally did answer his phone, we talked outside for about an hour. I told him that I just wanted to know why he left.

He says that we've been together for so long, that he's not sure if it is love he feels for me, or if it is just that he's so used to me. We have been married for 9 years, together for 11. He says that we have nothing in common, and that we don't do anything together. I asked him what it is that he wants to do. He says that we never go anywhere, like on trips or anything. I reminded him that I complained about the same thing afew months ago, and all I got was that we don't have money, and I don't want to go. I had planned a trip for our anniversary, and he agreed to everything until a week before we were to go, then he decided he didn't want to go anywhere.

He doesn't seem to want to do things with me. He gets home before me from work, he spends an hour or more working out, then eats dinner, then gets on the computer to play Everquest, and that's where he stays for hours, about 6 or more hours each night. So to keep myself occupied, I watch a lot of tv, read, grade papers, and surf the internet. He says that by me doing those things, means that we can't share any time together. I do those things, because he is doing other things on his own that don't include me. I don't know what it is that he wants us to do together. All he could say last night was that we don't watch the same tv shows, which I feel that most shows I watch, he enjoys too. But he's playing his game, so he watches them later by himself. He wants me to be into comic books like he is, and I told him that he's never tried to get me involved. He also said that he wants me to play his game with him, but I don't know how that would work because they only play starting at 9 pm, and I usually go to bed by 10:30.

He said that he feels he spends all his time trying to do things to keep me happy. He said he wants to see how else his life can be. He needs to spend time away from me, and see if he really does love me. But, he did say last night that he wanted nothing more than to come home and hold me all night long and forget that this ever happened. I told him no, that I don't want to "forget this happened". I want to work through this. As hard as it is, as painful as it is to say, we need to work this out.

I went to work this morning, hoping that my mind would be occupied with school. I didn't even make it through my Monday morning meeting before I was throwing up my breakfast, and crying. I went and told my AP, and he let me go home. I came home and slept for a few hours, watched a sappy movie and went to the bookstore. I bought some books on saving my marriage and relationship. I'll just have to wait and see.

I couldn't even make it home without checking up on him. I went through the neighborhood to see if the truck was parked at his mom's or not. It wasn't, which is a good thing. He has his first class tonight (he's starting back to finish his degree after a year off). I know he didn't go to work today either. He works at a different school in the same district, and I checked the website and saw he had put in for a sub today. Since I was home all day, I kept expecting him to show up to collect more of his stuff, but he never did. Maybe he saw my car and left. I'm glad he didn't. If he couldn't tell me he loved me yesterday, he certainly can't say it truthfully today. We do need space I guess. I want this to work, but I guess it's up to him. I don't want to spend my time chasing him around. He's the one that left me. If he wants it to work, then he needs to step up right? It's hard to not check up on him though. At least I only sent him one email today, and that was to ask for the mailbox key. I haven't called him once, and I don't plan on it either. I guess that's a step in the right direction, even though those are steps I don't want to take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 9:33am

I am so sorry, you had this happen to you. I have to admit when reading your post I had a visceral reaction. I can't tell you how many times I have apologized to an ex when he was treating me like crap! You think that somehow he must be acting this way because you did something wrong and if you just apologize or act differently then he won't be a jerk anymore. Unfortunately, that is not how it works. You did nothing wrong here and should not be apologizing, he should! You teach other people how to treat you. So start teaching him that you are something to be treasured and not cast aside. Give him his space and let him miss you a little. If he decides that he really is done then what have your lost? A guy who couldn't take the time to remember your birthday and refused to do the things you explicitly asked for because he just couldn't be bothered to do something special for you.

hugs and good luck,
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:19pm

Hi there mberber,

how's things going now? I haven't been here for a couple of days and I see that you've been kind of quiet on here too, has anything changed? Have you at least had the chance to talk with him again?

I've been thinking about you, trying to understand his behavior somehow. Cause I guess, since you've been together with this guy for a loooong time, that he's actually not a bad person. He probably didn't leave you on your birthday just to piss you off, did he? So his motive behind all of this must stem from some psychological issues, I guess. As mentioned before, my bf is a great guy, but if he feels insecure of us or feels that we can't give eachother what we really want, he backs off too. He doesn't do it to be mean, but to have some time for himself and think for a while. (Though he's never actually left me or moved out, but he will be kind of quiet and unresponsive of me) I know that if I bother him in these periods, I'm only gonna make things worse. (It's NOT like either him or me are blaming it all on me, it's more related to the fact that if he feels that we can't make eachother happy, he needs to reassess the whole thing and realise, on his own initiative, that he still wants to be with me to work things out.)

I don't know what's going through your hb's head right now, but I'm sure he's in a lot of pain too. How about you suggest some things you can do together? Or how about just starting with sharing a bottle of wine and see where it takes you? Sometimes, people need to reinvent their relationship to make everything better. But only remember, and so should he, that the only thing that really needs work in a relationship, is to remember the good times and see eachother with an open mind, without judging eachother.

(By the way, if you're not into his hobbies already, don't try too hard. It would be much better for both of you if you would find something new to do that would interest you both!)

I really hope things are better now,

best regards and lots of luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 10:40pm

Actually, things are much better now. Tuesday I received an email from him at school that he wanted to come over and talk MOnday night after his class. But since I wasn't at work, i didn't see the email, and therefore never answered. he didn't come over or call. I kept waiting for him to call or show up. He sent a new email Tues. that he wanted to come over after school and talk. We spoke on the phone quickly before the bell rang, and then sent a few emails back and forth throughout the morning. We met at home after school and talked for a couple of hours, had great make-up sex ;), and went and got his things from his mom's.

He wants to start doing things together. He said he feels like he's taken a backseat to my job (I teach 7th grade), and that I'm always too busy with lesson plans, or grading papers to do anything. I told him that I feel the same way about his game. We both agreed on 3 nights a week that he just "has to " play his game, and that I will use that time to grade essays and homework.

We are going to check out the brand new YMCA in town and sign up for a gym membership. We both have been trying to start working out (he does much better than me) at home, but he wants bigger/better machines to bulk up. So, this is something we can do together a few days a week. Plus several of my friends have joined there also this week, so it will give me a chance to hang out with the girls after school which is something I haven't done in years.

We are going to spend a lot more time with each other. We've rearranged the living room so we can sit together and cuddle on the couch and both face the tv. He wants to take weekend trips, and I am all up for that.

He feels stupid for ever leaving in the first place. He realized that he should have just sat me down and talked to me, but he thought I would get angry. He wants to forget what happened, and I tell him no, we have to work through it, not forget about it.

All in all, we are going to work things out. We are making plans together, and both of us are making an effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 5:44pm
WOW what an A HOLE he couldn't have broken up with you before or after your birthday he had to do the breaking up on your birthday ! I know you are sad and heart broken but you deserve better if this creep of a husband wants you back he better be on his knees begging you for forgiveness what a Jerk !

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 12:16pm

He is a jerk.

You deserve better.

And Happy Birthday...Jan. 27th is my birthday too..but I'm one year old. Exactly.

Smile even when you want to frown because you never know who's falling in love with your smile. Hope things get better for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 1:46pm


i know rightnow you are so happy that things are working ut an dthat you've talked and found solutions to make things work so that lastthing you want to hear is that he is a jerk.

but i guess most of us on this board went that route already. broken up a couple of times, the men leave, decide then want us, come back - we welcome them with oopen arms and then they decide they don't want us anyway.

what i really want you to see is something very very wrong happened on your birthday. so wrong that your husband decided to leave you forever. if he can make that decision so easily, REVERSE it so easily ( which means it wasn't well thought out the first time) he can make it again. JUST AS EASILY. he's done it. he can do it AGAIN.

i understand it's a 9 year old marriage and the last thing to do is give up on that so soon so easy. but apparently HE can do it. that's exactly why most of us invest so mcuh in a relationship - the longer it is the less we want to give up of it. i'm all for giving someone a second chance. but something seems horribly wrong here.

i walked this road. he cheated on me. blamed me. our fights. i said sorry ( !!!!!!!!!!). and then we worked out some rules to make it work. i was on walking on eggshells. anything i said or did - he might CHEAT. it was HORRIBLE. while we were working on it - he said the same thing - "please dont mention it again. its like it never happened. i never cheated on you". i said no let's talk. lets sort it out.

to cut a long story short - something is wrong with your relationship which cannot be fixed by moving furniture around. just really, nexttime he doesn't treat you right. show him the door. actions speak louder than words. sometimes words can only doso much. like an earlier poster said - you are going to teach him how to treat you. please be very careful.