Today on Oprah! what do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Today on Oprah! what do you think?
4
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:33pm
As I approach my two month mark, I find closure in the fact that if a man wants to be with you, he will...no if's, and's, or but's.

As I read our posts, and think about the all of the excuses I have made for men in the past, I've come to the conclusion that we give our ex's entirely too much credit.

I'm buying this book, because I agree with the author;-)...it's not that complicated.

Hugs to all of you! and Thank God for iVillage. These message boards are a blessing:-)

This is from Oprah's site:

He's Just Not That Into You

By Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

From the show He's Just Not That Into You

From The Publisher:

He says:

Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

She says:

There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot, or beg anyone to ask us out. We're fantastic.

For ages, women have come together over coffee, cocktails or late-night phone chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men.

He's afraid to get hurt again.

Maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship.

Maybe he's intimidated by me.

He just got out of a relationship.

Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo are here to say that—despite good intentions—you're wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages.

The truth may be He's just not that into you.

Unfortunately, guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman, "You're not the one." But their actions absolutely show how they feel.

He's Just Not That Into You—based on a popular episode of Sex and the City—educates otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn't like them enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end relationship.

Reexamining familiar scenarios and classic mindsets that keep us in unsatisfying relationships, Behrendt and Tuccillo's wise and wry understanding of the sexes spares women hours of waiting by the phone, obsessing over the details with sympathetic girlfriends, and hoping his mixed messages really mean "I'm in love with you and want to be with you."

He's Just Not That Into You is provocative, hilarious and, above all, intoxicatingly liberating. It deserves a place on every woman's night table. It knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves better. The next time you feel the need to start "figuring him out," consider the glorious thought that maybe he's just not that into you. And then set yourself loose to go find the one who is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:15pm
I'm glad that you're doing better and that you are finding some kind of closure. If the book helps then by all means---get it!!! I'm glad we've been some kind of help to you...that is what we're here for!!! Good luck and I wish you the best....and as always...we're here if you need us!!
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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:17pm
Sounds like a great book, but I'm wondering if it's really worth buying. I mean the premise seems simple enough: If a guy really loves you and wants to be with you, he'll treat you well. He'll call, he'll want to see you all the time and he won't act like a zombie when you're with him, right? So the moment you find yourself in a relationship where the guy isn't doing those things, you should get out, right? It's that simple?

The thing is sometimes the guy gives really weird mixed messages and it's hard to know. For instance, my ex wanted to get engaged. When I told him I needed more time, he started getting distant. But when I look back, he had been distant prior to this. So I guess what I'm getting at is, is it possible that there are men who have issues that they need to work out and maybe just maybe if we stick to these men, who say they love us and want to be with us and marry us even, that they could change?

Ok, I know how that sounds. It doesn't sound good right? That's when it comes down to actions I guess. A man can say he loves you and wants to marry you and have children with you and live with you forever, but if he can't meet your needs at least some of the time and seems unwilling to try, what does that tell you? When the actions and the words don't match up, pay attention to the actions. It's a hard, hard truth to take, a bitter pill to swallow, but ultimately it makes sense.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:59pm
One of the main points that was made by the author on the show yesterday is that "unsure" is still no. Mixed messages mean no.

If a guy needs help working through his issues in order to give you what you want (such as marriage), if he's really into you, he will get that help...he will do whatever it takes, and you will have no doubt about his desire to be with you and marry you.

So no, sticking around when he's not actually DOING anything about his issues isn't going to work.

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:12pm
Gottcha. Makes perfect sense.