Today is a rough day...dream etc

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Today is a rough day...dream etc
4
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 1:34pm

Wow... almost two weeks since the break up and I've been doing really well over the last few days. I had a dream last night... it woke me up and had me a complete emotional wreck again. I've been feeling pretty rotten all day and I just can't seem to get this out of my head.

I miss him SO much. We've not had any contact in 3 days, except for trite emails about things we need to resolve... logistics.

The dream was so sad. I was sitting at home with my 2 best friends, replaying out the night of Jan 1, the day it all happened. I was crying and asking why and how this could happen after so long... well I decided that I needed answers. So, one friend agreed to stay with the kids, who didn't want me to go. (wierd, right there! They are always happy to have me go...lol) and so my other friend and her husband took me over to see him. we took a roller coaster on water. It was up and down a few times, and we got off on a platform. At the end of the platform was his neighborhood. We walked into a house that was across the street and the front door was solid glass. I looked out and saw him with ALL of his guy friends catching football. The were all wearing baseball caps, which is not unusual...except that he doesn't really have a yard and doesn't catch football...

So his best friend saw me... and came over to the door but wouldn't come in when I motioned to him. He looked so sad. I saw C... he saw me but looked right through me. He had on new jeans that still had on the stickers on the legs and I was pointing to them, and he ignored me. The stickers had four letters on them. I only remember 2... O and C.

The next thing I remember, the three of us were sitting at a table in the front room and his friend came in and sat down with coffee for me. we were just chatting about whatever and then the door opened and C came in. I stood to hug him, he was crying and looked really sad too. He put his hand up and shook his head no. I sat down and started to sob... He started to say things - it was SO wierd.

He was reciting the script from a television show that I apparently was a fan of in the dream and the woman was having an affair. It suddenly hit me. I had downloaded the transcript of an episode that I missed... but it was just written like a story from the woman's perspective. it hit me that he had recently made a backup of my laptop. He found the file. He started crying and asked me... how could you? All of the sudden everyone in the room realized what had happened. He thought I was having an affair... and so did all of his friends... but when I explained and showed him exactly what it was that he had read... he reached out his hand to me.

I remember telling him that I was loyal and honest and that I would never do something to hurt him. I cried... he hugged me. But then I kissed him on the cheek and told him that I needed to think about all of this... then I woke up crying.

There were crabs in the dream. I thought they were spiders... then they came after me. they were little tiny. I don't live near a beach and that was odd. There were praying mantis' too. Little tiny ones. Behind glass...

I guess it just means that he's on my mind... and that I somewhere hope that he will call and reach out??

I'm sorry to dump all of this... it's been two weeks... I have been doing so well... today it just hurts and that pit in my stomach is back and I just miss him. I miss chatting about his day. His classes just started this week and I wonder how he likes them. I wonder how his friends are doing and what he's been up to. I wonder what movies he has watched and what he's been reading...

I don't want to hold on... I REALLY want to let go. But I keep hoping today that he will call... but he won't. I already know that.

I still don't understand what went wrong. I loved this man with everything I have in me... there is nothing aside from hurting my kids that he could have done to make me stop loving him... except maybe telling me that he no longer loves me?

Thanks for reading, if you got this far... I'm just feeling lonely right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 1:44pm

:( I am sorry to hear about this. You are still going to continue to get stronger, this is a bad day for you and that's OK.

I had nightmares last night also, but won't go into them.

Let me know if you need to chat.

Many Hugs,
L

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 12:39am

Oh no... not nightmares. I'm so sorry. I know though that nightmares are often our brains way of redirecting mental energy. (I'm big into dreams and analysis - but not in a wierd way I just find it interesting) I did an analysis on my dream and it turns out that I'm an emotional wreck... can you believe it? *laugh*

today was so glum for me... I forced myself to do... and then I gave up and took a nap. Then the kids came home and brightened things up a TON! We had a fun evening, and that helped.

I'm angry tonight. He sent me an email - a long one - about what he's up to and who he's talking with and what they are talking about. I wanted to respond and tell him that I don't care and that the only email I want is the one saying he made a MISTAKE... but I decided to sleep on it. I think NC means that I don't respond, for me anyhow that is VERY hard. I guess he wants to start up a friendship. I'd like him to jump off of a bridge right now... ok, not literally....

I'm FLAT OUT FURIOUS with him. I would LOVE to just scream at him... and I've NEVER raised my voice except once. I'm not good enough... that's the comment that keeps coming back to me.

Anyhow... instead of responding to his email I'm rambling on here because it seems like a better option. I'll just say it again... I AM SO ANGRY.

I never had a say... he "tested" me... but never asked me to tell him flat out how I feel. GAWD I feel like this whole thing was fake from the beginning and OH how I would love to tell him that.

And... ALL OF THE SUDDEN HE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS. SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You didn't want them before. Why now? So you can keep tabs on me? So you can stay in my life... but if I'm not good enough... WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT THAT?

ok... anger coming out ALL over the place and I didn't realize it was there until I wrote all of that... sorry :)

I did have a nice time this weekend... but I miss him with every thread of my soul and I want him in my life... but then again logically HE hurt me. He LIED to me. HE talked to everyone BUT me about whatever issues we had that I STILL don't have the priveledge of actually KNOWING. This is so not worth my time, and I so want to go out on just ONE date... nothing serious and nothing with anyone that I would even consider a long term relationship with... JUST so I know that there are men out there who do not treat the women in their life like disposable commodities.

This probably isn't helpful to the rest of you - but I needed this.

Is this kind of complete ANGER normal??? I don't want to hate him... but darn I feel like I do right now. I can't even think of the good times... just about how MAD I am right at this moment.

*sigh* I don't like being unhappy.

I like men, they don't suck. But right now, I feel like there isn't one out there anywhere who will EVER be able to earn my trust or have me believe even ONE freaking word of what he says. Heck... anyone who shows up on time would be an improvement???

I still want him back. I must be nuts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 3:54am

aww i really feel for you. raw anger that chokes you up and you can't even breathe. and it reaches a high point till you just burst into tears. anger is good. its healthy. it'll remind you of how unfaily you were treated.

hugs. you aren't alone. we've all been through this. for me the anger took a LONG TIME in coming almost a month late. the NC brought the anger. till then i thought it was MY fault that he cheated. thought he was the most beautiful thing to happen to me. but once NC started, the anger crept in. i looked back on the last 4 years and now i see SO MANY instances i was not treated right. then it seemed ok now it doesnt. thanks t the anger. anger is good. let it come. let it go. just let these feelings wash you over. thisis the only way to purge ourselves of them. and their lying cheating ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 7:10am

First off may I ask you a few questions? Im new to the breakup board and wanted to understand your situation clearer.

How old are you, you mention the kids? How long did you date him and Im assuming he cheated on you?

Im going through a similar situation right now, Im 46, was married 20 years, been sep. and divorced for 3 years now. My exhusband had an affair with an aquaintence of mine. About 18 months ago I met T. He was the anwser to all of my prayers and problems or so I thought...turns out hes a committment phob and I turned a blind eye to it all. Friends saw it, people on the boards here saw it. Hes broke up or asked for space 4 times in the past 18 months....this time was the worst. You may even have read my thread.

I just want you to know that your not alone and I can relate to your bad day yesterday and the way the kids coming home brightened up your day!! HOLD ON to them for now, they are a great source of comfort...The love of my 4 children got me through my divorce and now they are helping me to get through this breakup as well.

BAD DAYS....As my Mom told me always, we all have bad days, but tomorrow is another day and we need to look at that as its going to be better.

ANGER....Im angry right now at him and Im angry at myself too. Angry at him for just pulling the rug out from under me again....We were closer than we've ever been these past months...last time I saw him we were in bed together, he was loving and sweet, told me that the 9 days we hadnt gotten to see each other because of his shift work, overtime, and the kids was wayyyyyyyy to long and he didnt want it to ever happen again. A week later he cancelled our lunch plans than called me after work at 630 (very drunk) and walked away again. AM I ANGRY??YES IM VERY ANGRY!! SO YOU HOLD ON TO THAT ANGER...I DONT LIKE IT EITHER....BUT IT GETS YOU BY...IT KEEPS YOU FROM WANTING HIM IF ONLY FOR AN HOUR OUT OF THE DAY!!

HOLDING ON: Yes hes holding on to you, by emailing you or contacting you at all...I dont think he knows what he wants,and hes not sure he wants anyone else to have you or to lose you forever. Mine sent me a text message when he was on night work the other night...just telling me he will mail my belonging this week...Saturday night, midnight, an hes sending a text about something so unimportant???LOL Hes trying to see what Im doing and where Im at!!

I met a wonderful person on these boards months ago who was a great source of comfort over all the rough times..now shes been even better..talk to people, get out and find something to do on those bad days.....dont contact him at all. She told me these things and also told me to keep a calendar on the wall and mark off everyday that I get by without contacting him....I now have 7 and a half days....Im not taking my mark down for the day he texted me..because I didnt initiate it..Its like a game now to see how many marks I can get on that calendar!! I think when I get another 6 or 7 Ill hear from him again, but each time Ill get stronger...You see hes setting himself up for a return and your guy maybe doing the same.

So move on with your life, I am, theres no more returns for mine.. Hes hurt me, lied to me, manipulated me, and sometimes hes been down right cruel...but when his fear of love and committment subsides hes a great man! But the rollercoaster ride has stopped.