Today starts the next chapter of my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Today starts the next chapter of my life
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 5:53pm
Oh how do I make a long story short!!!! I was with my ex for a total of four years in November of 06. We broke up at Xmas, it just wasn't working. He is on anxiety medicine which totally changed him from the person I fell in love with and he pretty much treated me like I was insignificant to him. So I broke up with him. Now six months later, we have still been doing the push and pull with each other...loving each other too much to let go, disliking things about each other to really try to make it work. So after a few months of him telling me that there was no hope for us "right now" (yeah, i think i was supposed to just sit back and wait for him to decide when the time was right, funny huh?), I began to look around and see what was out there. I would seesaw back and forth with wanting to move on but not being able to let go and whenever I said those ill fated words of "i can't talk to you anymore", I'd have a panic attack an call him within the hour (humilaiting, i know!). So we continued to talk while i scoped out the scene, pretty much just as a diversion. Well, after weeks of always arguing, I decided to go on a date...at the same time he was hacking into all my email and myspace accounts...so he found out. to say he flipped *$&# isn't the word. I was the worst thing that ever happened to him, he hated me, i'm not who I say I am, I'm a liar, a fake, blah blah blah. Was really nasty. That was on a Wednesday...didn't hear from him until the next Monday, and you know what, I missed him, but i breathed easier. until he told me how he can't stop crying and I hurt him so bad, worse than his father ever did, who abused him, and he obviously really does love me since he has never felt this kind of pain. So I felt really bad and went over his apartment that night. he told me that we could have had a marriage together, kids together, grown old together. That set me off. Why could we never talk about that while we were together but now that you are afraid of losing me, you are saying that is what you wanted??? You should have been saying that as I was walking out the door, right? But of course my heartstrings were being pulled and I was sucked right back in. So for about a week everything was idylic. He was attentive, he was sweet, he was supportive, talked about the future. And then it stopped...he went back to being the mean person and degrading person that he had been. I was floored. Why suck me in like that only to spit me out....but of course it was my fault because I wasn't putting the effort into it. So last night he goes and buys a brand new car and I get upset because if we are to have a future together, how can he save with that big payment now? And not only that, he ignored all my calls and texts while he was over my SISTER's showing her and giving her a ride in it...made me feel real special. Call him today and get no answer ALL DAY, until this afternoon and i tell him how it hurt and he's like "well i knew you were going to rain on my parade". And then proceeds to tell me that i'm nothing but a hassle for him and a headache so I say, then why keep talking to me...he says because i love you. Yeah, nice way of showing it, right? So i got off the phone, changed my number, deleted him from all my accounts and blocked him, and deleted him from my myspace. I am thoroughly done and I have never felt more confident about my decision before. Will it be hard? Absolutely!!! Will I miss him? Yes, but why miss someone that only makes you feel bad about yourself whenever you talk to them. What I don't get, and please post some input here, is WHY WHY WHY did he break out the tears and the lovey dovey stuff when he realized I was moving on? Does he not realize how unfair that is? I despise him for that.
But anyway, sorry for so long but I just wanted to share this thought. Sometimes love just is NOT enough. I will always love him but he is toxic to me and i think we all need to realize that the problems we post on here are poison to us. We need to look to ourselves for happiness, not them. Because when you wake up in the morning and look yourself in the mirror, you are the one that you have to answer to, not them. And you need to start being proud of your answers and believe that moving on is the best thing for you, even if it hurts more than anything in the world. That pain will bring you happiness.