TODAY SUCKS REAL BAD
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| Thu, 11-24-2005 - 3:36pm |
I just need to vent out some here. I recently had a baby, and perhaps I'm going through postpartum depression or maybe this is the real thing but I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year last night. I found myself not to feel the same way about him as I did several months ago. I know I tore his heart apart and I didn't mean to do this to him because he has put me on a pedestal for so long and I have been giving him the cold shoulder for the past four or five months. It is a extremely difficult situation for the both of us because we have a one month old together, and he has told me that I am his everything.
I guess it all started when he would never answer his phone (during my pregnancy) and then his wanting to move to a small town where there are no jobs and where it's colder than hell, in the middle of nowhere. We also had a difference in what we wanted out of life. He doesn't want anything out of life. He's a serious procrastinator and it has led us to some things that has gotten us into some trouble. I want to live conviently in the suburbs, where I have access to everything and where there is diversity(I want to live in the 21st century)where as he wanted to live the country life where you would need a vehicle to travel miles to get to the nearest physician.
We also intended to go to another part of the country and never made it due to being overcharged by the moving company that we used, and so he thought that the best thing to do was to move to his mother's. I wanted to leave our things in storage and sign the lease for our brand new apartment and find work so we were able to get our things by the end of October. I instead agreed to go with him because I didn't want to see him worry or panic. Also, after meeting his family, I found his family to be strange and unusual and I have had his own drunken father threaten to kill me if I ever hurt his son. Not to mention his sister does not like me because I had her brother's child and she cannot reproduce. And to make matters worse, my ex gave me his phone to talk to this girl, and all she did was rag on me, but her original intent was to take us to his mother's house for today, but I declined. She then basically tried to tell me that I had no other choice but to go and visit. I wanted to go visit, but she lives 40 miles away, and our son recently got over a cold and I'm waiting to take him out after he is six weeks old. So she calls their mother and I refused to talk to her because I knew what she was going to say (I like his mother, I'm just weary of her) so she's coming out to see us today.
I know this part may sound superficial, but he's a slob. He only brushes his teeth when he goes to work or at the end of the day, so he has very bad breath. He has psorisis(so do I btw) scratches his head and leaves flakes everywhere and doesn't clean them up, he will knock something over and doesn't pick it up. When he makes a mess, he won't clean it up, or he'll leave food out overnight. He won't shave or even clip his nails. In the past, when the baby was crying, he wouldn't get out of bed to see what was the matter. I tested him on that the other day, and he was awake, but never got up to see what was wrong. I just don't find him attractive anymore, and feel repulsed by him because of his grooming habits. He is on the other hand a very loving father, he will do everything he can for his son. He has told me that his motivation is his son. He's the kind of person that looks down on guys who leave their children behind. I still love him, but I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I could ever feel that type of love again.
My problem is that I'm cold, and extremely demanding. I love to have things my way. I don't believe that I'm significant other material. I wasn't meant to have another person in my life romantically because I feel that I lack that type of emotion and that I'm not capable of loving in that way. I tend to shut out the world and find it very hard to open up to people on a positive level in person. I always end up having to write it down or type it out in order to fully communicate with them. This is a very, very hard situation for the both of us because we currently live in the same place, forced to share the same bed because we are both broke(I'm unemployed and don't qualify for UI)so I can't really do anything until tax time where I can leave and raise my son where I originally wanted to go. I wish I could go back to the year 2003 where I could have made some decisions where none of this would have happened.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that my son is alive and well, its just that he didn't deserved to be put in a situation where both of his parents are impoverished and have irreconcilable differences. My ex still wants to have me around because he stated that I'm all that he needs despite my bad traits/habits. I want to know how to tell him that there are millions of women out there who have more affectionate ways and more compromising - basically women who are significant other material. Him and his family think that today is about keeping our son away from them because of me. I want our son to know his side of the family. No one there understands that I've made the decision not to go anywhere because he is less than 6weeks old and that he recently got over a cold. They don't get it. I honestly don't want to communicate with them because they will take my words the wrong way. If I had the proper amount of funds and if our son was the proper age, I would have left this evening. I still want the father to be in his life as much as possible, I just don't want him as a significant other. I just don't know what to do.
