today's a bad day
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| Mon, 04-02-2007 - 6:05pm |
today's such a bad day. my ex broke up with me "officially" less than a week ago. before that we had broken up the week before but said that we'll take a few days to think about it and talk again. well we talked, and i told him everything that i was feeling, being completely honest and what i thought was brave, and he said he just doesn't see himself with me. he doesn't see himself ever falling in love with me. i didn't love him either but i loved being with him. i loved so many things about him and i thought you know, it's only been 5 months, love takes a while. but he decided to give up he says he has a "gut" feeling that it won't work out. and i just dont understand how he can just let it go. i was his longest relationship and he is 26! he said i was the best thing that ever happened to him but i guess still not good enough. we didn't fight, we enjoyed each other so much. and yeah i felt like something was missing too but i also thought that bc he added so much in my life, that i'd give it time and see how it goes. not give up for the off chance that things may not work out in the future.
so we haven't talked since thursday. and it's so hard. i miss him like crazy. i was doing fine on thursday, i was feeling mad and angry at him and feeling better off. but as more days go by the hurt seems to grow. isn't it supposed to be the other way round? i can't concentrate on anything. my friends have been wonderful but i think they may be getting tired of the gloominess. i can't seem to even fake it. work doesnt make sense, my life doesnt make sense. i loved being with him, his companionship, everything that we did together. and you know i know i'll be fine, i went through something much worse 2 yrs ago with who i thought was the love of my life, so this isn't even close but it still hurts. and it's affecting everything about me. i feel like i'm slipping and can't really get a hold of anything. and i miss him. and i feel nauseous more times a day than not. and i am so afraid of being alone again, and single again and having to go through the cycle all over. there were so many things about him that i was always looking in a guy. yes i think that big click was missing but i thought it would come eventually. he didn't. and i'm scared i'm never going to find anyone that has all those traits ever again.
i'm heartbroken...when does this stop? i want to snap out of it but i cant.

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it was going great. 2 wks NC today - apart from one text (he initiated) when he texted me to wish me happy easter this weekend. and then today i feel like i'm back at square one. i couldnt help myself and i IMed him to ask him if his parents got my card. he said yes and thank you they thought it was very sweet. and then i told him i still have 2 of his CDs that i can send him if he wants. and he said i can keep them if i like.
and that's it. so formal and weird. and i can't understand how he can not miss me or tell me that he misses me or just show me something you know? i mean how can you be with someone for 5 months and share so much together and be in each others' lives and then bam, stop and nothing? how can you cut someone from your life entirely? i just dont understand it bc i miss him so much. there's not a day that goes by that i dont think about him. or wish he'd beg me to come back. even though deep down i know this relationship wasnt right for me. and yet i can't help having these feelings. and right now i'm at work and i can feel a cry fest coming and i havent cried in 2 weeks. i think i need to take a walk or something. aaargh sometimes i feel like i hate him. but he's a good guy underneath so i can't do that. i just know how many things were awesome about him. and yes i know the things that bugged me. and i know i can do better. but right now everything's so bleak. i miss him..
what do i do?
I'm sorry, I wish I had some advice for you or knew when it would get easier, but I'm going through something similar, so please know that you're not alone.
***hugs***
Oh, cnfusedg .. it's not easy is it? I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad day.
Yeah, that coldness that comes from suddenly being "strangers" is so awful. I'm glad to hear you're trying to distract yourself by going for walks and things. One thing I found really helped when I first broke up with my ex was to keep really busy. I signed up for an interesting class for every night of the week. I met new people through them, dates, even. And learned stuff I'd always wanted to. I went to the gym every day, got in shape, felt great. I started hanging out with new groups of people. I said yes to every invitation, made a couple of really close new friends at work, even formed a singles' support lunch group with a few of the other suddenly single people. And even though there were times that I felt like locking myself in a bathroom stall, crying and throwing up, the activity and support from others really prevented me from having to think about my ex constantly. And it helped me sleep, too, because I was so exhausted at the end of the day.
But I think it's actually good that you're allowing yourself to feel the pain a little. Because that's what you need to do to heal. But know that feelings are meant to be temporary. Our bodies simply won't let us feel pain for too long. So it will go away. Just hang in there and things will improve. One day at a time.
Edited 4/11/2007 6:59 pm ET by elliewu
thanks rebainmi and elliewu. your words both help. it does help knowing i'm not alone.
elliewu your plan sounds like it was the best for you. what kinds of classes did you sign up for?
i'm trying to be as busy as possible too. i hardly go home before 10 or 11 since i try to make plans every day. i just hate the silence at home and not going over to his house and cuddle and talk at the end of the day you know? like knowing there's someone there waiting or making plans, or doing all the "couple" things that we did. that's what i miss. but i'm trying to rediscover the things i like to do and focus on me and taking it each day at a time. and yesterday was a good day...went out with friends, flirted a bit, even gave a # out :)
don't think i'm ready to start looking for a relationship, but an ego boost never hurt a girl right? ;)
so i did something stupid. really stupid. and i hope it doesnt set me back by too much.
i had almost no contact for over 2 weeks. and then yesterday i found out that a guy that one of my friends knew died in an accident. and i knew he was a state champion wrestler and that his school always played my ex's school back almost 10 yrs ago when they were in high school. so i sent the article to my ex to see if he knew this person. and he texted me saying that he did. very sad. i wrote back saying i'm sorry.
well later that night one of my friends and i were at a neighborhood bar. and my ex walks in completely randomly and out of the blue with a bunch of friends. my heart was beating so fast. we talked for a bit and it was like all the attraction came rushing back. i could tell he wanted to stay around. so we ended up going to another couple of places together and dancing together. i was pretty drunk but still kinda knew what i was doing. long story short i spent the night at his place :(
the whole night (and the morning) was so good. and i kept thinking this is ok because i have no expectations of this and i dont think that by sleeping together we'll get back together. he kept saying how good i looked and he held me the entire night. aaargh - i was fine till i walked out of his place some time around noon. we just said to each other bye and see ya later. no emotional outbursts just see ya. i kept saying to myself, this is ok, we both knew what was going to happen, i dont expect anything. and it was just one night.
but now, as i'm back home in my room, i dont know i feel nauseous. it reminded me how much i missed him even more (like i needed a reminder). and yes i know he's not right for me, but he's so wonderful of a person. and i'm so attracted to him. and being held again after 3 weeks of not seeing him was so good. i dont think he'll ask me to come back. i know he wont. but right now i just want to go to sleep and not think about it. bc if i do, i know everything will be worse again.
sorry this is so long. i guess i'm just rambling. i'm a little freaked out. any thoughts would be great...
thanks jujubeenie. you're right i can't change what happened but i can't stop thinking about it. i was so convinced that this wouldn't matter to me. that i was getting over him. and yet now i'm so so sad. i dont know what to do. it's taking all my willpower to not call him and see if he felt anything last night. or just to talk to him. to feel the connection (that is not there).
this is driving me crazy. i think i'm getting mini panic attacks or something. i'm so scared that i will never find anyone. i hear all the dating stories and remember all the bad dates that i've been on and i just don't want to do it anymore. i don't want to go through the process again. as bad as this is, i thought with my ex that i'd be out of the dating pool for a while at least. even if things werent perfect all the time. and yeah i realize that this probably means i was compromising but he had so much going for him that it didnt feel like that. and what are the chances that i'm going to find another guy to trust, who's funny, and driven, and sweet, and loves kids, and who i know is not in his DNA to cheat or lie? i'm panicking. and i know i should take a deep breath and just try to move on and focus on me, but right now i feel so confused and scared. i just wish i could wake up and everything be as it used to be.
thanks yarnball. i know what you mean. i wish none of us were here, all heartbroken. i'd like to think that we're all learning something from this and from each other. and i never imagined i'd find so much support on a community board. but it helps so much knowing that i'm not alone and that none of us are. i just wish the pain and confusion can go away sooner rather than later.
good luck with you too. if you feel like sharing your story please do. i found that it helps.
Hey cnfusedg!
Yes, reading your story and seeing the support you've gotten has made me feel better. Glad to know I'm not the only one doing those Stupid Female Tricks. :) I have been surfing the web trying to figure out How-Am-I-Supposed-to-Get-Over-It? Reading advice like don't contact him, find something else to do, etc isn't helping me. I mean, they're really good pieces of advice, I should follow them, but it's not getting to the core of the problem. At least my problem.
I just lost (broke up with) someone I care deeply about. It's very similar to a death (been there, done that), except I can still contact him. Yes, at some point, I have to give up and stop pursuing something that just ain't gonna happen. I know it. But it still doesn't take the pain of, let's face it, rejection away.
Long story short...I was involved with an older man with children (some who lived at home) and everything at the outset was excellent. He was a great listener, he seemed to genuinely care about me, I moved in with him, his kids accepted me, things seemed to get stronger, I got a ring, then the s*#@ hit the fan.
I can say I saw it coming, yet I stand here with my mouth open wondering what happened. Things weren't as rosy as they were in the beginning. We became stagnant, he didn't like listening to me anymore (I always whined, so it's not like it was new!) and it felt like he really didn't care so much about me anymore. I left him because of that, begged him back, and got shown the door a month later because I got tired of watching him live his life without including me. It's been two weeks, I'm back at my own house, all my stuff back, just like we never had anything together.
After reading the posts and articles on here, I took a stand and deleted him out of the cell phone, deleted the emails, deleted his email address and thought, THERE! I'm done! Ok, I broke the rule of NC...he still has a key to my house and my snail mail...so I called him. Stop cringing! It's really what I called about! Honest! :) Then he brought everything back up which made it worse for me, cos I had those feelings all day.
So what do I do? I spend 3 hours on some silly heartfelt email to him (I have a good memory) this morning. I don't know if he'll read it. I think I write some good stuff when I go through a breakup. :) I'm sure those guys don't think so. :P
I'm not really any further ahead then I was when I started surfing. I still hurt. I don't like eating and I suffer from insomnia. I think I have found a little support. I know it'll take time. But it's hard. I'm waiting for the part where it hurts less each day. Anyone know when that starts? :)
Thanks for listening. :)
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