today's a bad day

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
today's a bad day
26
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 6:05pm

today's such a bad day. my ex broke up with me "officially" less than a week ago. before that we had broken up the week before but said that we'll take a few days to think about it and talk again. well we talked, and i told him everything that i was feeling, being completely honest and what i thought was brave, and he said he just doesn't see himself with me. he doesn't see himself ever falling in love with me. i didn't love him either but i loved being with him. i loved so many things about him and i thought you know, it's only been 5 months, love takes a while. but he decided to give up he says he has a "gut" feeling that it won't work out. and i just dont understand how he can just let it go. i was his longest relationship and he is 26! he said i was the best thing that ever happened to him but i guess still not good enough. we didn't fight, we enjoyed each other so much. and yeah i felt like something was missing too but i also thought that bc he added so much in my life, that i'd give it time and see how it goes. not give up for the off chance that things may not work out in the future.

so we haven't talked since thursday. and it's so hard. i miss him like crazy. i was doing fine on thursday, i was feeling mad and angry at him and feeling better off. but as more days go by the hurt seems to grow. isn't it supposed to be the other way round? i can't concentrate on anything. my friends have been wonderful but i think they may be getting tired of the gloominess. i can't seem to even fake it. work doesnt make sense, my life doesnt make sense. i loved being with him, his companionship, everything that we did together. and you know i know i'll be fine, i went through something much worse 2 yrs ago with who i thought was the love of my life, so this isn't even close but it still hurts. and it's affecting everything about me. i feel like i'm slipping and can't really get a hold of anything. and i miss him. and i feel nauseous more times a day than not. and i am so afraid of being alone again, and single again and having to go through the cycle all over. there were so many things about him that i was always looking in a guy. yes i think that big click was missing but i thought it would come eventually. he didn't. and i'm scared i'm never going to find anyone that has all those traits ever again.

i'm heartbroken...when does this stop? i want to snap out of it but i cant.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 12:29pm

when does it stop hurt? i have no idea, i just know that it does. reading all these stories here and seeing people gradually get stronger and better, i know it happens. even from my own experience, i know i've been through worse. my last breakup before this one, was almost 3 yrs ago and it took me 2 yrs to be completely free of the pain and hurt. he was what i thought was the love of my life. with this one, i dont know, it still hurts but i know i'll be ok. you know it too deep down. it's just so hard to see that now because the feelings of pain, rejection, regret, memories and just plain hurt are so raw and so up in the surface. it's hard to imagine ever feeling better when you're so overwhelmed with what you're feeling now.

i think you're doing the right thing though, seeking advice and reading posts and articles. not all of it will help. but some will. and right now for me at least, i just try to feel better from wherever i can. i don't blame you for writing the e-mail. he'll probably read it but not sure if it'll change much. i did the same, wrote a long letter and was proud of myself for it because it was the first time that i felt truly vulnerable to him and was ok with it because i was being honest. he said he appreciated everything i wrote, and it was a hard letter for him to read but it still didnt change anything. "appreciate it" - hmm..not really what you want to hear when you're pouring your heart out to someone, but you know i still don't regret it. because that happened and i was still ok. heartbroken and feeling rejected but at least i was true to who i am.

i would try to stay away now, not for any other reason but to start at least getting yourself in a routine that doesn't involve him (missing the routine you had with him is one of the hardest parts to get over - at least for me) . you know you don't want to be with someone who doesn't love everything that you are and wants to be as much part of your life as you want to be of theirs. i made the same mistake - i felt like i kept trying to find out so much about him and be with him and he wasn't doing the same. and i didn't speak up till the end. and that's my one regret with him.

it's funny, days like today that is pouring outside, i just get overwhelmed by remembering him and wanting to spend the whole day in bed with him just talking and hanging out and listening to the rain. and i even almost texted him to tell him that (seeing him/being with him yesterday made me feel i could do that). but instead i logged in here and read a little, and i'm not going to do it. because nothing will change. if he wanted things to change, he knows where i am and how to contact me. i'd only be exposing myself even further, and that was fine once but i do have my pride after all.

so instead i'll drink my cup of coffee, watch the rain and read a little more. maybe go to the gym. and at the end of the day i'll be glad i didn't do it. that's all you can do too. just get busy, try to think of each day as a little challenge you have to overcome and take it a day at a time. and eventually the challenge may get a little smaller. it'll go up and down, but hopefully soon it'll get easier.
good luck and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:46pm

I am impressed with your strength, c. You sound much stronger in this post than you did when you started. Go you! :) Someday, I'll be in that position. Did you end up contacting him yesterday?

Today was not a good day. I made it through Sunday after a icky call with him on Saturday night. Today was bad because work was bad and he called to tell me that when he was dropping off the rest of my stuff (and to give my key back) he locked his coat and cell phone in my house. So we had to see each other.

I cried all the way home from work. Part of it was cos of work and part of it was the sheer happiness and fear of seeing him. I was thrilled that I got to see him, but it was tempered with that fear of being rejected all over again. I told him Saturday all I really wanted was a hug and to be told that it was going to be all right and he remembered that and did that for me before he left. I lost it and I asked him to leave so he didn't have to see it. That's part of the reason we broke up...he never dealt with negative emotions well and I am full of negativity tonight.

I started to write him an email to apologize for breaking down the way I did, but I stopped. He might really care about me deep down on a human level, but you're right. He knows where I live, he knows my number, he could do something. Course, guys feel freaky about that and they usually won't do that. I wish he'd call. I wish I could've stayed in that hug forever. Problem is, that's not the reality. Me still crying an hour after he left is reality.

I know it'll get better. I'm waiting to totally bottom out emotionally so I'll have nowhere to go but up. Sounds horrible, but I know it'll happen and I'll start to feel better again. Thank you for your support. I feel so weak and vulnerable tonight. *sigh*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 11:31pm

no i didnt contact him :) yay me! one win down plenty more to go. i think i was just having a good day. i'm having one today (maybe it's all the endorphins from the gym). but trust me they just go up and down. sometimes you're great and sometimes you're miserable. the cycle is just part of the process.

i'm glad you didn't end up e-mailing him again. the exchange of stuff is the worse. when i did it he said he couldn't bear to see me (he said "it's too hard) so i ended up using my key of his place and he had packed everything all nicely and so i left his there and picked up mine. and then went to a friend's house 2 blocks down and broke down crying on the floor for hours. worst day. i couldn't even pick up my stuff from her place for a week after that.

but you know, at least that's over with right? and as bad as this sounds at least now you don't have any more excuses to contact him (which sometimes is the worst - i kept making up a million in my head). but now the struggle will be to start letting go, to start the process of finding your peace again. and i can totally understand how vulnerable and miserable you feel right now. but hon, just from the things you wrote here, you deserve so much better. you want someone who doesn't run away if you have a bad day and doesn't want to listen to it. you want someone who will hold you when you cry, who will try to make things better for you, who will say silly things to cheer you up. not someone who runs away from "negativity." we all have our ups and downs and you can't just be a happy-go-lucky person 24/7. being with someone, means being with them for the ups AND the downs. and someone who will truly listen to you and be there for you.

so as hard as it is right now, it will get better. try to distract yourself a bit. i found that spending a couple of nights at a friend's house helped. i just hated being in my apt alone with my thoughts at the beginning. i wanted a distraction, and my friends did that for me.

all the best to you and a big hug!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 10:29pm

Thanks for the hug, c. I'm not sure if I should've listened to the advice or not about not contacting him. I ended up sending that email this morning and called him tonight. I wasn't malicious, but it quickly became malicious from his end. Found out he thought of me as a petty b*#%h, I gave him a lot of s$@t and that he's already reposted his profile online. It's only been two weeks since he kicked me out. Says he just wants to find friends. Uh, I heard that and ended up living with him.

I'm sitting here shaking wondering when I'm going to start puking. This is awful. I guess no worse than my previous bf seeing me and his ex- at the same time.

Y'know, I know I am worth so so so much more than that, but I can't help but wonder, what happened and how do you feel safe enough to give yourself to someone again. Things seemed really right this time and blew up so miserably. I feel a lot happier when I'm in a relationship, but I wonder if I really am better off alone. I don't think I can take that kind of rejection again. That was harsh!

Glad to hear that it sounds like you're getting it together. Gives me hope for myself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 12:30am

Yes, this happens to me. I'm going through a bad patch recently. Seems my ex gf is "curtain calling" by trying to get me to notice her. She's showed up at things I go to--like gym where she planted herself near me, something she's never done. I ignored.

Also, she came out to my weekly dance social--wearing a skirt I bought her and was all dressed up. I assumed she had a dinner date with her "serious bf" beforehand. I ignored. But it's crazy-making.

We didn't speak, I ignored, but it was so hard. I don't want to make chit-chat with someone who hurt me. It would be sending out a mixed message.

I did break "NO CONTACT" by calling last week to follow up on her other "Curtain call" email where she said "I still care for you". I asked "Is there anything we need to talk about?"

She replied by saying "I need to collect my thoughts...." and never got back.

That screams ambivalence. Yes, she feels bad, she doesn't want me to dislike her. But that's miles away from actually wanting a real reconciliation. That would require a serious discussion, many tears, and a commitment to work on issues.

That's completely off the map at this point. We're too far apart.

It's sad. We shared so much. We had so much fun. But she felt that because I didnt' want to get married right now, that she would jump into another relationship. I don't see her nearly ready for marriage myself. Her own behaviours would make marriage and that level of responsibility very difficult.

Sigh.....each time I bump into her, I find myself taking a step back. Perhaps this is normal. As long as overall I feel I'm moving forward.

It's hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 11:51am

Hi Wala--

I never really thought about it from the point of view of the person who keeps getting the 'curtain calls'. I've always been the callee. :) I don't know what to tell you...it's all hard. You know what you want, you think you know what you want, you don't know what your partner really wants, you only know two things...you want the icky that caused the breakup to go away and you want the hurt to stop.

I am actually on my 3rd good day in a row. Which I'm very happy about. I was so, so devastated in my last post, and I woke up the next morning feeling alive again. Such a marvelous feeling.

Good luck Wala...I hope you find some resolution. Every step is a step forward. Do you want to reconcile, or do you think it's beyond that and time to move on? That is, if you don't mind me asking.

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