Together, Single, Together .. Single?
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| Sat, 06-16-2007 - 9:45pm |
I have been in a relationship with a guy for a total of approximately 3.5 years. I thought he was the one, so when he proposed about 6 months into our relationship, I said yes.
I went away for the summer to work, and discovered a whole new place where I felt at home and began to discover who I was. In the meantime, he was moving into our new apartment. Doubts filled my mind, and I came home and broke the engagement.
We decided to still live together and be in a relationship, just not be engaged. Things weren't the best, but I was still mostly convinced he was the one for me. The next summer I returned to the same place of employment, and ended up flying home halfway through to completely end the relationship and move out of our apartment. I broke his heart.
I told myself that I would not get into a serious relationship for a year. I was doing all right until my guy and I met up in early November; a few drinks led us to relax and we fell back into an old comfort. We got back together. We each had our own place at that point, and kept both of our places, though we were always at one or the other. Now both of our leases have expired and we have a new lease ... together.
And the doubts are back. He's convinced I'm his soul mate; I don't feel the same way. I've tried to talk myself into him because he's everything I've looked for in a guy - except something is missing and I'm not sure what it is. I don't know what I want to do with my life; I'm not ready to settle into a lease and live my life out with him when I'm away from him. I feel like when I'm back at home I settle, but really I'm just exceedingly restless. The love that was there in the very beginning of our relationship has metamorphosed into something that's more along the lines of me loving him being around.
I don't know what to do. I fly out to see him in July, and any mention of these feelings will cause him to flip because I'm an emotional roller coaster and I can't make up my mind.
And now we have a lease and he's all moved in and unpacking.
I can't make myself love him like he loves me... and I keep telling myself that things are going great, but I'm still having these issues and I feel like they're never going to go away.
Am I crazy? How do I talk to him about this? Neither of us can afford the apartment on our own ... what do I do about that?
Breaking his heart again is something I never wanted to do ... but how can I not?
Help!

You're not crazy, you're afraid of commitment, a commitmentphobe, if you will. You are the classic "runner." Read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Carter and Sokol and start getting some insight as to why you may be this way.
Your giveaways are that whenever you're off on your own, you're thinking of what you're giving up with him otherwise you wouldn't keep going back to him, and when you're with him, you're thinking of what you're giving up in a single's unencumbered life. That happens with most people, but commitmentphobes take it to the extreme and act on their doubts and fears in ways other people don't. You're pretty much unsettled anywhere. That's not a horrible thing, but don't think that it's all about him, it's mostly you. ;) If you get into another relationship without addressing or even acknowledging that your relationship issues stem mostly from you and are your responsibility (NOT your fault) then this will repeat itself all over again until you do address the situation. That's the simple truth.
Breaking his heart is not something you are going to be able to avoid. Whether it's to break up or to simply tell him you are once again filled with doubt, he's going to hurt. He trusted you to know what you wanted, and at this point in time, you can't say what that is. Then again, a "runner" cannot be in any kind of relationship without being helped along, in which case, he's the "avoider" always hoping things will settle down, thinking that the one person who could be his soulmate is the one person who can't get away from him quick or often enough.
Someone's got to stop this cycle. Now you know, so it falls on you to do what's in both of yours best interest. By the way, I'm also one of those commitment-averse types. Again, it's not a horrible thing, it'll just keep you from truly entering into a committed relationship. If you're okay with that, fine but be considerate of another's feelings. If you're not, do something about it.
Good luck,
Hi Sandra
Thanks for your reply to this post. In a lot of ways, this sounds exactly like my ex. She and I have been together for 4 years and she broke it off with me three times in those 4 years, and I went back to her every time because I love her.
We have been split up now, 4 months.
We still seem to be keeping in contact though. I had to call Sat because I realized, I left something at her house and I did not want to spend the money getting another one. I feel like I gave her the impression I have moved on.
Our children still keep in contact with each other. My daughter and her daughter became like sisters when we all lived together, and so they still keep in touch, sometimes daily.
In fact, my daughter slept over her house last night and is staying there all day today, while my ex works from home. When I dropped my daughter, off, I had a small chat with my ex. I just wanted to make sure she would be home during the day, and if I needed to give me daughter any money, in case they were to go out for ice cream or something. I asked whst time I would pick her up the next day, and said goodbye and for her to have a nice night.
I am glad that went smooth. We shall see what happens when I go pick my daughter up today.
The last time my ex spoke of the relationship issue ( 4 months ago ), she said, she wants to be in love with me, because, I am a great guy, but it's just not happening.
I hope, waterlily9, that you get to the bottom of your issues with your (ex)boyfriend.
One other thing I want to point out with my ex and I is, whenever he hit some sort of milestone in the relationship, is when it would fail and she would break up with me.
Milestones meaning, when we first got the kids involved, when we got close to becoming engaged, and then when we finished building the addition on her house, together.
Good luck!
Rob