Tonight is the Night

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Tonight is the Night
2
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 10:50pm
I live in Los Angeles and have been dating my boyfriend for a year and 8 months. Our relationship has drastically gone downhill since I moved in with him 8 months ago. He has become a drug addict and is chronically depressed. Many times we have talked about his addiction and things are good for a few weeks and then it just goes back to being a problem. We very rarely have sex and when we do, he is not interested in making sure I am taken care of. His car was smashed by another car on July 4th and he has used mine since then. I asked to use it one night and if one of his coworkers could drive him home and he started yelling at me and told me to "shut my mouth". Since that day, I've know that we are over. I've decided to move back to Michigan and be with my family. I know our relationship is bad for me but, I am so scared. I really wanted this to work and now that I'm leaving, I feel so empty. If anyone has any advice, I'd love some !
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 11:49pm
I think you are very wise and brave to know that it's time to move on. Many people wouldn't have the strength and would put up with being treated badly. You obviously know that you are worth and deserve more than that.

I have read some great advice regarding Starting Over at MarsVenus.com. In a nutshell, here is what they say:

In order to heal a broken heart, we need to go through a process. Step one is sharing your feelings (you are doing that here!) and getting help. When you get back to Michigan, you may want to look into a support group. Given your boyfriend's drug problem, Al-Anon or another CODA group might be good.

Step two is grieving your loss. MarsVenus.com advocates writing a "feeling letter"--in it, you identify your feelings of anger (what happened that you did not want to happen), sadness (what you wanted that didn’t happen), fear (what could happen that you don’t want to happen) and sorrow (what you wanted that cannot be). You follow this up with a response letter in which you give yourself the love and support that you have been seeking, and then a completion letter in which you express your positive feelings.

Then step three is becoming whole again--identifying where the emptiness is and working to fill it up without making anyone or anything responsible for your own happiness. Focus on five key areas: Family, Peers and Social support, Activities that stimulate you to have a good time, Taking care of yourself and Giving back to your community.

I think you are making a good decision. Perhaps your boyfriend will get his act together and make things right. But the only thing you have control over is you and your life. Congratulations for taking those steps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:21pm
I am so proud of you for making this very scary and difficult decision. You ARE doing the right thing. If you stay there allowing him to use you and your car you would only be enabling his addiction. You cannot fix things for him. You cannot beat his addiction. Unfortunately he will have to do those things for himself. It is absolutely unsafe for you to be in a home with a user as well...

You sound like a strong, brave woman. Go to Michigan and surround yourself with your family and friends. Take time to love you too...

I read something recently that gave me pause... it was written by a woman who had cancer and was a quote from the book "In the Company of Heroes" by Michael J. Durant... the quote is "Look back, but don't stare." It's OK to look back sometimes and think of the life you've left behind, but don't stare back... keep moving forward toward your new, healthy, stable future. Take care...