too angry for closure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
too angry for closure?
6
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:34pm
Hi All -

I wrote a few days ago about my ex who tried to kill himself. My apologies if the subject matter is too disturbing. I just need to vent right now. His family has been demanding that I have no contact with him, and that I take out a restraining order to keep him from trying to contact me. I was even told that if I didn't do it, he'd wind up dead and his blood would be on my hands. Well, he got out of the hospital today, and now they're singing a different tune. They want me to accept a notorized letter from him promising not to contact me, instead of taking out the restraining order. But they also want me to meet with him (supervised) one last time so he can have 'closure'. I agreed to all this; I know I shouldn't have to answer to them, but they've been through enough already that I don't want to antagonize anyone any further. The problem is, I'm so angry I think this meeting would be disasterous. I'm angry at his family for placing so much blame on me, and I'm angry at him for putting the people he supposedly loves through this, and for making me so miserable that I had to totally cut him out of my life. I know he's very fragile right now, but I don't know if I'll be able to hold my tongue. It won't be until Sunday; maybe I can get some of the rage out of my system by then? Any suggestions? Please??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:04am
I think you should think about his well being and be compassionate for a moment. He needs help and is probably having a hard time. I can put myself in his shoes because when my ex dumped me all I wanted was to die and blame him for it. Of course everyone is responsible for their own lives but there are times when we need help from others to recover.

If you want to control your anger then stop thinking about yourself and make an effort to help an ill man. Probably to him is very important to see you and move on. Give him a chance, you will never see him again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 2:36pm
I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this...it must be so tough. I can't help but think he "tried" to kill himself as a way of getting you to feel sorry for him and take him back to prevent him from trying any further. I'm glad to see you're standing your ground though. I know how hard it must be for his family to blame you but just realize they're upset and have to blame someone...as I'm sure at this moment in time he's an angel in their eyes. I think the whole noitorized letter is odd.....and is probably more for his family's benefit then anything else. Just try and stay civil during the meeting and you'll do fine. We're here if you need us.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 3:54am
Hello,

Sounds like a difficult situation.I can tell you a few things I do when I am angry at someone and I dont want to cause further damage by facing them. What I do is find a quiet place (on my bed usually) and then go into my minds eye and envision the person in front of me....The I let it rip...in my mind I hurl all the abuse and rage at them, sometimes I even punch them , kick them....whatever it takes to release my anger. I find this is a safe way to get it out, or the other thing is to write a letter to them (dont send it) its just for you to vent. Tell them about all your anger about everything, call them names, whatever...just keep writing until its out and you feel finished.

Hope this helps

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:18am
Thank you all so much for your support. I hope you don't mind if I gripe some more. I'm even angrier now than before. Not as angry as I was when he was with me, though. I keep saying I'm going to write him a letter and burn it, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

The meeting went as civilly as could be expected. We ended up meeting Thrusday instead of Sunday. I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible; I thought that's what he wanted too. But it wasn't closure he was looking for. He wanted us to get back together. He asked if there was no way we could ever be together again. I was afraid to tell him no, with the bandages still on his wrists and all. He promised he'd get treatment and take care of himself. But I told him I didn't want him to do it for me; I wanted him to do it for himself and his children. And even if he did turn his life around, I couldn't make any promises. He asked if he could call me maybe once a week to say hi. I said it wasn't a good idea; his wife said she'd throw him out if she found out we had any contact. I told him if he got thrown out, he can't stay with me. He said he told her he'd be moving out as soon as he was back on his feet (I've heard that a dozen times too!), and it wouldn't be a problem. And I've never been able to stop him from doing something that's bad for him. So I said ok.

He called me Friday to tell me his nephew's body had been found (he had been kidnapped in July and was presumed dead), and his sister wanted pictures of him for the memorial, from when we had visited two years ago . I spent most of Saturday morning looking through 2 years of pictures. When I called him to tell him I couldn't find any, I just broke down and cried. He says he wants to meet me because I need someone to talk to. I said I have people to talk to; I'll be fine. Crying's normal & healthy, right? I took a nap; luckily I turned off all the ringers on the phone. In an hour, there were 4 calls from him, 3 from his brother (looking for him) and 1 from his mother. I called to tell him I was fine and to call his brother.

Later that night, I went out with my girlfriend (the one he told me not to trust because she wants him). He called my cell at least 4 times, but I wouldn't answer. He left a message saying he called a few places looking for me, so I must be ignoring his calls because I'm out with some other guy, but that's ok because he just wants to be "friends". I finally answered his call to tell him to stop calling me. I said it as nicely as possible; I told him we both have a lot of healing to do and we can't do it if we're in constant contact. I told him I was out with my friend, and he told me "You can't trust her. You'll see.". When I got home, I blocked his numbers on my home phone.

I had a nice, peaceful Sunday. I met up with my girlfriend Monday afternoon, and she told me he called her to hook up with her. I asked how he got her number. Well, he and I met her and her friends back in July. While I was in the bathroom, he told her that I was really shy and didn't have many girlfriends, and could he get her number for me? Then he calls her to hook up with her. He tells her that I'm sleeping around (lie!), so it's ok for him to sleep around. She said thanks but no thanks. I have his phone records, so I believe her side of the story.

Monday night, he calls me. I didn't answer; he left messages saying his wife is throwing him out (because he didn't fix her car; yeah, right) and he's on his way over to my house. I sent him a message saying to stay away or I'd call the police. After a few more calls & texts, I answered. He wants me to help him because we're "friends". I told him I know what's been going on (without giving any specifics; I don't want him taking his vengeance out on anyone else), but friends don't treat each other that way. I got a ttext from him implying he was going to try to kill himself again. I shut my phone off. I turned it back on a couple of hours later. Got a bunch of texts saying he was coming over; another saying he "can't exist without me". As I mentioned, I blocked my home #; can't do it on my cell, unfortunately. Well, I got this voice mail (this is pretty close to verbatim; I listen to it every time I'm feeling sorry for him): "You changed your phone number, like I'm some kind of predator? You're playing games with me. And that's the WRONG thing to do. I can play your game, and I can act your act, and I can talk your talk. And I can do it BETTER than you. I'm not gonna say anything over the phone, but if you want to play, LET'S PLAY." I got a text from him later apologizing; I sent him a text back - No need for vengeance. Just leave me alone.

So I've been pretty stressed since then. I didn't know if he was dead, or on a bus out west, or sleeping in the streets. And I've been looking over my shoulder the whole time, in case he's in his vengeful mode.

He called last night. I'm pretty sure he was at a bar down the street. It's his favorite hangout, I heard music in the background, they have karaoke on Wednesdays, and he said he getting up to sing. So fortunately, he's still alive, and someone's taking care of him if he can go out to a bar. But unfortunately, he's still in town. And if he's in town, I don't want to piss him off too much. I just want him out of my life!

If you've read all of this, thanks so much for your attention! I don't know if I'm looking for advice so much, but a "poor baby" always helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:49am
DONT GO!! first of all you are not the one who can give him closure. seeing him with his family supervising is only opening a door for them to go nuts on you. his family should not be encouraging him to see you if they blame you so much for this. They should be there for him and working it out with him to help him move on in a healthy manner, not reopening the wounds of seeing you again. you have your reasons for not being in this relationship anymore, as hard as it is, don't let the feeling of guilt push you into doing something you don't want to do. listen to your gut feelings. doing this will only give him hope that he may have a future with you because you simply show up. if there is no future with him and you don't see yourself working it out with him and being with him, then you need to stay away. don't lead him on, it will be better for you both if you just cut all ties. hope this isn't sounding to harsh. just want you to be strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 7:08am
I think that part of this problem is that you haven't put any boundaries to the relationship with this guy. He seems to be obsessed with you and be dangerous. I would be scared if I were you.

Tell him straight away face to face that you do not want to have anything to do with him anymore, that you already made your best to help him with his personal problems. Be confident about your decision, do not hesitate, do not give him another change, do not make any promises, do not give him any hope. Why is it so hard to put an end?

Be careful because he seems to be unstable and dangerous, if you think that he won't accept your decision then move out, your life is more important than anything else.

Iliana